After a month of voting...
the people have spoken...
and instead of doing one...
we're going to do them all.
But which title achieved HGT immortality?
You'll have to watch to find out.
Welcome...to Gauntlet Month!
And in second place...
The following trailer is rated "H" for "Honest".
In a world full of copycats and pretenders to the throne,
discover the classic franchise that inspired them all
by beating our collective asses since the 1980's--
Mega Man.
Experience a series older than most gamers
that taught children the meaning of patience,
that taught children the meaning of patience, frustration
that taught children the meaning of patience, frustration and earning your victories
through the medium of brutal platforming,
through the medium of brutal platforming, relentless enemies
through the medium of brutal platforming, relentless enemies and occasional total bulls#!t.
Fight the never-ending Battles of Mega Man,
a spandex/boy robot hybrid stuck in a proxy war between Dr. Santa Claus
and a suspiciously well-funded Nega Einstein
that is clearly leading towards a Terminator-style dystopia,
but for now, plays out as a series of bright colored platforming levels
ending in themed boss fights that got weirder the longer the series went on,
until the obligatory showdown with Wily,
whose world domination schemes are both painfully stupid
and also probably gonna actually happen someday.
Okay, so maybe we still have a couple years left...
Slide your way through the traditional side-scrolling gameplay of Mega Man
as you blast your way through hundreds of googly-eyed robots,
while avoiding spikes,
while avoiding spikes, bullets
while avoiding spikes, bullets and your own lack of hand-eye coordination,
until you finally absorb a boss' powers
and try to figure out which of the next bosses will have that power as a weakness.
Huh...are snakes weaker against needles or ninjas?
I don't even want to know what I have to do to beat Hard Man.
Get equipped with 30 years of the Blue Bomber,
a series with so many entries, spin-offs and side games,
it's almost impossible to keep track of them all.
But we're gonna try!
From the classic platformers that were harder than Diamond
From the classic platformers that were harder than Diamond Man
and the modern sequels that try to recapture the magic,
to the edgy X series that turned the anime dial up to eleven,
all those handheld Mega Man's,
the Legends games that blended 3D action-RPG's
the Legends games that blended 3D action-RPG's with a cutting-edge can-kicking simulator,
robot soccer, because why the f*%k not,
the Battle Network games that mixed Mega Man,
the Battle Network games that mixed Mega Man, cards
the Battle Network games that mixed Mega Man, cards and a grid-based RPG because drugs,
the handheld Zero series that was the Dark Souls of an already Dark Souls-level series,
the spin-offs where you play as a horrible human/Mega Man hybrid,
and as a...
and as a...pirate lady with Lego servants?
That one where you kill zombies as a human man,
the cameos in other video games,
the canceled games that you wanted, but can never get,
that wild Japanese stuff that they'll never translate,
and finally, now that they're fully out of ideas,
the anniversary collections and garbage spiritual sequels
that will bum you out faster than an anime fan on prom night.
So charge up that blaster
and hop your way through some old-school satisfaction
that hurts so good
it'll make you shatter your controller.
F*%kin' s#!t! Just like the old days!
I'm gonna go punch my dick with a Power Glove to cool off.
Starring...
Boy Man,
Mr. Steal Yo Powers,
Norton Antivirus Man,
Nathan Drake Man,
It's Pretty Messed Up That They Gave Her a Vacuum Arm In the Cartoon,
Doggobot Roll Out!,
Weedman,
2 Kool 3 School,
Eyebrows on Fleek Man,
Double Gun Man,
Doctor Good Man,
Doctor Bad Man,
Evil Bald Man,
and...more Robot Masters than you can shake a robo-stick at,
featuring... (Subtitler's Note: OH F^%K ME)
Rock Beats Scissors,
Machoke,
Lonely Ice Climber,
Bomberman--Wait That's Taken?!,
Burn-Ie Manders,
Nik-Killa Tesla,
Orange Slice,
Wide Mouth,
Otter Pops,
Genji,
Bomberma--Aw Damm It,
Megaman's Jerk Older Brother: Chet,
Zippo Bic McTinder,
Morning Wood,
Porcu-Pain,
Pacemaker's Bane,
Twinsies,
Husky Rayman,
Beyblade,
Snake With Hands But Somehow Not a Lizard,
Roadside Assistance,
Naruto Fanfic,
Edison's Pride,
What Was This For Originally?,
Hyroglyphics With Hydraulics,
The Drills That Will Pierce the Heavens,
Sonic's Looking For Ya,
The Brave Little Toaster,
Torpedrone,
Team Skull,
3D Doritos,
Jason Momoa,
The Third Little Pig's Mech,
Scyther On Ice,
Subtlety Sam,
Thomas the Pain Engine,
Warcrimes Prime,
Heisenburg,
Palette Swapped Airman,
Robot With Hair,
Char-Panzes,
The Ol' Ball N' Chain, My Ex Wife,
(Karen, if you're watching, I don't miss you.)
Pollen On a Budget,
Washington Redskins,
Poof Nips,
Killin 'Em Shake-Spear,
Twinkle Toes,
Last Minute Effort,
Bubbles Boom Boom,
Sh!t Storm,
Jar Jar Slinks,
Young Blanka,
Ghouls 'N Ghosts,
Questionably Street Legal,
Swordfish Bird,
Katamari Dafroggy,
Invisi-Tummy,
Sega Saturn,
Army of Two,
Crushed R' Cubed,
Bomberma--Oh Come On I Quit,
Jason Mimosa,
Traffic Cone,
Oz Public Transit,
Ariel,
3 Plugs In This Photo,
Blood Diamond,
Bee Minus,
Volcanope,
Asimo,
Blade Trinity,
Artesian Well Water,
Mine Over Matter,
Chill, Man,
Mareep,
Pitch, Please,
Tron Biketron,
and Melanoma Man. (Subtitler's Note: FINALLY!)
Astro Boy.
Did you know Mega Man is Rockman in Japan?
That's why his sister's named Roll and his friend's name is Bass
and his dog--uhhh...
I guess the developers were just super into Rush?
I dunno...
Comment below on what you want me to read in my epic voice!
"EHY MA, HOW BOUT SOME COOKIES? NO DICE. THIS AIN'T OVA."
"You thought JoJo was going to be your first kiss, but it was me, Dio!"
" NOT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD"
"The Emoji Movie is fun for the whole family!"