♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT'S
"WEEKEND UPDATE", WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
>> GOOD EVENING. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> AND I'M COLI JOST. >>> THURSDAY IS THANKSGIVING.
AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR.
UNLESS YOU ARE A HUMAN WOMAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> TWEEDEN POSTED IN WHICH SHE'S ASLEEP AND FRANKEN IS
REACHING FOR HER BREASTS WHILE LOOKING BACK AT THE CAMERA.
NOW, I KNOW THIS PHOTO LOOKS BAD, BUT REMEMBER IT ALSO IS
BAD. AND SURE THIS WAS TAKEN BEFORE
FRANKEN RAN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE, BUT IT WAS ALSO TAKEN AFTER HE
WAS A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL. IT'S PRETTY HARD TO BE LIKE OH,
COME ON, HE DIDN'T KNOW ANY BENCH HE WAS ONLY 55.
TWEEDEN IS ALSO CLAIMING THAT ON THE USO TOUR WITH FRANKEN, HE
FORCED HER TO KISS HIM AS PART OF A REHEARSAL FOR A SKETCH THEY
WERE PERFORMING FOR THE TROOPS. COME ON MAN, DIDN'T THE TROOPS
HAVE IT HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT HAVING TO SIT THROUGH SKETCH
COMEDY? MOST PEOPLE DON'T EVEN WANT TO
WATCH SKETCH COMEDY AFTER "UPDATE" ENDS.
>>> AND WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING, I CAN TELL YOU THAT PRESIDENT
TRUMP CRITICIZED FRANKEN ON TWITTER.
BECAUSE FRANKEN IS A LIBERAL AND TRUMP IS A CONSERVATIVE.
IN THIS COUNTRY, EVERYBODY HAS TO PICK A SIDE.
EXCEPT FOR ME. I THINK THEY ARE OWL PITCHES.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SIDE I'M ON.
MAYBE I'M LIBERAL, BECAUSE I LIVE IN A GUY NEIGHBORHOOD.
BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE I'M CONSERVATIVE, BECAUSE I'LL NEVER
LIVE IN A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN.
WHY ARE REPUBLICANS TRYING SO HARD TO PROTECT ROY MOORE FROM
THIS CASE. IT'S NOT LIKE HE WROTE THE REMIX
TO IGNITION. >>> MORE THAN A DOZEN WOMEN HAVE
NOW ACCUSED ACTOR JEREMY PIVEN OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SPANNING MORE
THAN 30 YEARS. THE ALLEGATIONS WERE REVEALED IN
THE SHOCKING DOCUMENTARY, "ENTOURAGE."
>>> THIS WEEK HOUSE REPUBLICANS PASSED A TAX REFORM BILL.
REPUBLICANS CLAIM THE BILL CUTS TAXES ON EVERYONE, FROM
MULTIBILLIONAIRES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO REGULAR OLD
MILLIONAIRES. THE BILL RELIES HEAVILY ON
TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS. AND, SURE, IT'S ONLY A TRICKLE,
BUT YOU'LL FEEL LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HOSED.
WHY DO POOR WHITE PEOPLE KEEP GETTING CATFISHED BY THESE RICH
REPUBLICANS? IT'S LIKE GET -- WATCHING FOREST
GUMP GETTING DITCHED BY JENNY OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
>>> PAUL RYAN ALSO SAID THE TAX PLAN WILL INCREASE TAKE-HOME
PAY, GROW THE ECONOMY, AND SUSTAIN LONG-TERM OPPORTUNITIES.
INCREASE, GROW, AND SUSTAIN. WHERE HAVE I SEEN THOSE WORDS
BEFORE? OH, I KNOW, ON THOSE SEX PILLS
AT THE DELI COUNTER. WE ALREADY TRIED THIS TAX PLAN
IN THE '80s AND IT DIDN'T WORK. JUST LIKE I TRIED THOSE SEX
PILLS AT THE DELI AND NOW I HAVE TO WEAR FAKE EYEBROWS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> THIS WEEK MARKED THE THIRD
TIME ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS TESTIFIED BEFORE
HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE OVER TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN AND THEIR
CONTACT WITH RUSSIA. HERE TO COMMENT IS ATTORNEY
GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, JEFF?
>> WHEN I SAY "I DO NOT," YOU SAY "RECALL."
I DO NOT! >> Audience: RECALL!
>> I DO NOT! >> Audience: RECALL!
>> THANK YOU. THAT'S A RECALL AND RESPONSE.
MY CATCH PHRASE. >> I NOTICE YOU SAID THAT A LOT,
DUE REALLY NOT REMEMBER MEETING WITH GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS.
>> YOU KNOW, COLIN, I HAVE SOME MEMORY PROBLEMS STEMMING FROM A
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA >> A CHILDHOOD TRAUMA?
WHAT WAS THAT? >> THE PASSING OF THE CIVIL
RIGHTS ACT. >> I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME
QUESTIONS NOW, ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSIONS I'M GOING TO ASK YOU
SOME QUESTIONS, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN ANSWER THEM TRUTHFULLY.
>> YEB. >> DID YOU JUST SAY YEB?
>> NOBE. >> DID YOU MEET WITH ANY TRUMP
SURROGATES WITH RUSSIA? >> I -- I DO NOT RECALL.
YOU KNOW I RECALL. >> DO YOU REMEMBER MR.
PAPADOPOULOS MENTIONING THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT?
>> I DO -- I DO NOT REMEMBER HIM TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. >> AND YOU ARE UNDER PRESSURE
FROM PRESIDENT TRUMP TO INVESTIGATE THE CLINTON
FOUNDATION. DO YOU THINK YOU WILL
INVESTIGATE. >> ACTUALLY, I -- WELL, I DO NOT
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ENOUGH EVIDENCE AT THIS TIME.
WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO DO IT. >> OKAY.
AT SOME POINT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO STOP LYING BECAUSE YOU ARE
UNDER OATH. YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, YOU COULD GO TO JAIL. MR. SESSIONS?
MR. SESSIONS, ARE YOU PLAYING DEAD?
>> OH, MY GOODNESS, THAT'S MY TAIL, MY LITTLE POSSUM TAIL.
TAIL, YOU RATTED ME OUT AGAIN. GET DOWN TAIL.
HE'S CRAZY BUT HE'S FAMILY. >> WITH ALL THIS GOING ON I'M
SURE YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING.
>> ABSOLUTELY. MY COUSIN, FROM THE POSSUM SIDE
OF THE FAMILY JUST HAD A LITTER OF NINE BABIES.
THEY ARE SO CUTE. OH, MAN YOU COULD JUST EAT THEM
UP. AND WE'RE GOING THE EAT AT LEAST
FOUR EVER THEM. WE GO OVERBOARD ON THE HOLIDAYS,
COLIN. >> THANK YOU FOR COMING BY, MR.
SESSIONS. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME SO
MUCH. AND IN COLLUSION.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY. >> JEFF SESSIONS, EVERYONE.
>> I DO NOT RECALL! >>> A COMPANY IN TEXAS IS
OFFERING A SERVICE THAT WILL ALLOW PEOPLE TO MAKE AN
IDENTICAL CLONE OF THEIR DOG FOR $50,000.
THAT STORY AGAIN, FOR $50,000, A COMPANY IN TEXAS WILL SELL YOU A
DIFFERENT GOLDEN RETRIEVER. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL IS REPORTEDLY
SEEKING A CONTRACT EXTENSION THAT WOULD PROVIDE HIM WITH A
SALARY OF $50 MILLION, USE OF A PRIVATE JET, AND LIFETIME HEALTH
INSURANCE FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY.
THAT'S HOW EXPENSIVE HEALTH CARE IS.
HE IS GOING TO MAKE $50 MILLION A YEAR AND HE'S STILL LIKE WHAT
ABOUT THE HEALTH CARE, THOUGH? >>> A MAN IN INDIA HAS SET A NEW
WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST MUSTACHE, GROWING HIS OUT TO
MORE THAN 18 FEET. THE MUSTACHE IS PART THE MAN'S
PLAN TO SOME DAY DIE ON AN ESCALATOR.
MISSION TO EVENTUALLY DIE IN AN
>>> IN OTHER NEWS, IT WAS REPORTED THAT PRINCE WILLIAM AND
PRINCE HARRY WILL MAKE CAMEOS IN THE NEW "STAR WARS" MOVIE AS
STORM TROOPERS. EVEN MORE SURPRISING, THIS WHOLE
TIME IT'S BEEN QUEEN ELIZABETH INSIDE C3-PO.