I imagine sara is very excited to be on
countdown tonight normally the only
letters Jordi's get are the ones from
bailiffs be very careful I don't people
I don't you don't know anyone nah not
really deep down barriers were all
around actual like barriers sometimes we
make is famous for not going out as is
John Richardson
congratulations to John's wife it took
12 long hours of pain tears and drugs
but eventually John managed to get her
pregnant 12 hours all I'll do in my
lifetime all I knew about women is what
because I'd never encountered me before
I only knew what I'd seen on adverts so
sometimes I said well it's a nice sunny
day why don't we go to the park and you
can eat yogurt on a bench not really
into that and the roller blades I got
for the days when she's on our special
time John is a writer comedian football
fanatic but perhaps the most surprising
thing about John is that his wife still
hasn't smothered him to death in easly
beds have you noticed you've been
getting more attention from the ladies
since you've been winning on countdown
well technically yes it's gone from 0 to
1 in terms of the wider market not
really so much you got your girlfriend
after countdown
I got everything every good thing that
has ever and after counter did she
specifically say hi I saw you on
countdown but what else could it
did it suddenly get a six-pack did I now
then I got a girlfriend you do them the
worst thing you ever did to your
flatmates oh well that would be the time
that I got so tired of cleaning the flat
that while they were out I tidied the
flat and then left them an itemized bill
for my time at minimum wage I didn't
want to overcharge the guys doesn't
happen usual thing about your body
someone's touched it my chest hair is
sort of roughly heart shape
if it's your match.com profile will
decision okay that will do I mean for
weirdness I also have a little mole just
in there people really hate it because
they got oh you've got a bit of
chocolate and I go no it's a mole and I
got to see why it's really gross all
isn't it okay so what are we gonna go
for the chest air chest hair yeah okay
and you shake it like that Microsoft
care-bear 2011 John released a book
about his quest for love before it he
hadn't had a girlfriend in 8 years
and after he's not had a girlfriend for
two years some improvement there
the joke's on you Jimmy because I have
got a girlfriend what she must be made
up a girlfriend so for him the long
years of feeling lonely disappointed and
angry are over although for her they're
only just beginning
Morgan is a well-loved and extremely
funny comedian best known for pulling
she's literally the opposite of John
Richardson
I mean you've moved on to Sharon and
still I'm the practical jokes
John is widely considered to be the life
and soul of the party why say party it's
really more of a get-together it's
actually awake life insoluble it must be
difficult for John's girlfriend to date
someone with OCD every time she gets
turned on John turns her off again
[Applause]
you keep 10 pounds and 10 euros on you
at all times in case of emergencies why
well I used to keep a condom in my
wallet
one day I bought a new wallet and I
transferred the condom across and I
realized it was the same condom I
transferred from the previous wallet and
I realized that if I could erode leather
quicker than I could have sex it was
more likely I would wake up in Europe
and not know how I got there
in 10 years then I would instantly need
to shag someone hope if they'd agreed
that they would be willing to wait the
two minute trip to the shop or the
toilet as if you're in Europe and you
haven't got 10-year or oh here he comes
meet me after the show no heed Jim a to
be here this week actually because
tonight's supposed to be my hen night
because I'm getting married
your hen night unless stag night my
friends in all of them so I've been out
on my own you get invited on a lot of
tattoos yeah on a few attempt to nip
back early you have to share rooms I'm
stag do so I found if I get back early I
can have the key changed and then I get
a good night's sleep invited a lot stag
dues Jimmy is dedicated to his
girlfriend she's a lovely bubbly girl
whose parents describe her as missing
[Laughter]
John hates text speak the abbreviated
spelling and poor grammar infuriate him
and if John were to ever receive a text
message I imagine he'd be livid
I do get text messages from Papa John's
Pizza Hut and my back on you Jimmy cuz
it's two for Tuesday John Richardson is
a real man of the people and those
people are the ones that wear cardigans
and don't have any friends yeah that
told me recently got married well it was
either that or pay the postage to send
her back now tell me is that a joke
about an inflatable girlfriend or a
foreign bride Oh we're sort of
multi-layers okay this is not a real
love I'll enjoy it twice then you know
excited John Gertz before he comes on
counter and I'm like that only taller I
might be an inch in it yeah I don't
think you are I always think of you as
just being stupid
[Applause]
okay yeah okay your time starts now
53 54 55 56 57 58 connive 60 61 62 63
explore new spark exceed 60 68 69 70 71
72 74 77 76
really embarrassed about how she
really wanted that in a way that I hate
about myself when the show ends I'm
gonna try that again upstairs the
pathetic truth that is my existence any
impingement of the rules right so any
bad language will be punishable sexual
touching will be dissin that will be
down to my judgment and I am a sexual
expert so you mean you came first
[Applause]
description well yeah well it's not
really a mascot when I was at Primary
School I got given an award just for
being extra special it all these years
they says awarded to John that's super
special why do they give that yeah I
should be an extra special good Nick did
you ever wear the badge always stayed on
there no I've never taken the badge off
because I didn't want to perforate the
card look good John in the eighties no
teeth interesting Lee used to be Chris
Martin
when we first met John he was living in
a bedsit crystal and may I just say it
was the cleanest bedsit I for Avon and
Somerset Social Services have ever seen
then we moved in together a group of
comedians into a shared house but John
was not quite used to sharing yet so
there was a negotiation about mass in
which we would sort of go about our
normal routine and John had these
suddenly yes let's just have an anecdote
for an anecdote deal here you tell this
story and then daddy will tell us daddy
I'm a child it's now a legally accurate
get these little out of nowhere you'd be
doing something and a little northern
passive-aggressive commentary would
start to start up CB in the kitchen and
suddenly this voice would go oh right
that where we keep the Coco Pops now
[Applause]
where did we use to keep the toenails
John did we used to I'll give you a clue
Jimmy Oh his toes into the mugs speaking
John once in a fit of pique was very
frustrated with himself and like a lot
of us do want it to take that out on a
mug however what John brought to that
was he was so worried about the mess it
would make he wrapped it in a tea towel
shawn is as happy as Larry unfortunately
hilarious had some very bad news
Jones very much the thinking woman's
comedian if the woman in question is
thinking maybe if I go and hide in the
loofah half an hour he'll just leave