What's up everybody? This is Charlie from Charisma on Command and today I want to help
you deal with people in your life who are being passive aggressive. You can use this
from anyone, from a friend, to a co-worker, someone that you just met at a bar or a party.
One simple caveat that I'll give you. This will work but be careful when using this on
people who have leverage over your life, for instance, your boss. Because, as you'll see,
one of the steps in several of the steps, is to call it out, walk away, and basically
remove that person from your life; difficult to do if it's your boss. So we'll have other
strategies for dealing with conflicts when it's with superiors. But this is one that
you can use in many, many situations.
That said, this is an interview with Robert Downey Jr. He's doing a press junket for Age of Ultron,
and in this interview, the interviewer, out at left field, starts asking him questions about
his drug history, his relationship with his father, stuff that is just inappropriate and
directed to get a rise out of him.
So, I want to start where the interview is still copacetic, still cool, and you can watch it evolve in
the first 15 seconds.
And you see that look on his face? We often have this moment where we can tell that something
is coming. There is a trap about to be sprung. Somebody's about to unleash their passive
aggressiveness on us. Robert just kind of have to wait and take it because it's not
aggressive aggressive, and this really is step one.
What I'll say here is look at the eye contact to come. Robert continues to look right back
at this guy, while he can hardly hold his gaze. The important thing here is something
that you can take, is that when someone is being passive aggressive with you, oftentimes,
they do not have the guts to be outright aggressive. They're trying to hide that. So just by looking
them in the eye with this steady gaze, you can often deter that, right? They will, many
times, backtrack on what is said. Not the case on this interview but a great step one.
Hold strong, steady eye contact. Let that person know that you know what's going on
without saying a word.
And you see that? That's just like a piercing gaze that he has. He's letting him know that
he knows what's going on.
So, interestingly enough, and this is actually what I recommend you do, you'll notice that he's
answering the question at pretty much face value, which is what you'll often want to
do when you sense that someone is being passive aggressive. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Many times, that eye contact will deter them. They'll stop being passive aggressive or you
just might have misinterpreted.
So rather than jump down someone's throat right away, or constantly be creating conflict,
give them, for one try, the benefit of the doubt. Answer their question, do what they're
doing at face value.
Notice this here. This is what I call a warning shot. So he's giving him the chance to stop
going down this line. He's explained to him that he has no idea how to even begin answering
this question, the guy persists. So right here, you will see, he gives him a good-natured
warning shot.
And then, again, still back to good-natured...
This is important. Oftentimes, when people are being passive aggressive, they're trying
to box you in with some sort of question to where your options in answering suck for you
either way. What Robert Downey Jr. is doing here, rather than just answering his question,
is reframing it in terms that he can come out of it as the way that he wants to be perceived,
right? He doesn't want to say Liberal this, Republican this, Democrat that, that is not
a path he wants to go down.
So he takes the time to reframe the question as "You know what? I was young. I don't even
know what I meant. I could guess at what I meant; who freaking knows?"
So he's basically discounted this question by reframing it there. We're gonna jump ahead
now, this continues. Actually, let's let it ride because it's fun to watch he just fall apart.
And, if you want, this is just a study in what nervous body language looks like. This
guy knows exactly what he's doing. Watch the jittery hands, the lack of eye contact, he's
sitting far back in his chair, he's just like fidgeting all the time. This is what nervousness looks like.
So, clearly, he's getting upset. He sees, he's given this guy the eye contact. He's
given him the benefit of the doubt. He's even given him a warning shot, and this guy continues,
so what does he do next? He's going to call it out, and just listen for what comes after this.
Again, this is the first time that Robert has been anything less than good natured.
He is saying in a very clear way, "You're obviously nervous. You know what you're doing.
I know what's up. Get through this."
And stuttering and staring, the guy continues to go, so right now, if you watch his chest,
Robert Downey Jr. is breathing very, very heavy. He is entering like fight or flight
mode, which is common when somebody comes at you, even if it's not in a physical way.
This is clearly a pointed attack. He is trying to get a rise out of him. He knows what's
going on. So you see, he starts to breathe deep, he goes into fight or flight. Some people
might freak out here, but, notably, he doesn't.
And this is the most overt call-out. This is step three for where you've gone through-- you've
given them the eye contact, you said you know what's up. You've given them the benefit of
the doubt. You've done the warning shot. You've overtly called out the foot or whatever it
is. He, very clearly, in plain English, says, "What is going on here?" This is appropriate
if you've given the person so many subtle warnings with the passive aggressiveness.
"What are you doing?" is a perfectly fine question in this situation. Maintain eye contact.
See what the guy says.
And that's it. Walk away. This is the big thing and this is why I said that it can be
tricky to do when you're with your boss or something like this. You do not need people
in your life who are going to behave like this. You do not have to sit through and stomach
any sort of passive aggressive attack on you, even if it doesn't feel like an attack or
look like an attack on the outside. This person, with the way that they have interacted, is
trying to get a rise out of you. Do not freak out. Do not take it. Remove yourself from
the situation once you've called it out. And you can look at it, he does it in a very fine,
friendly, good-natured way. He doesn't walk away screaming, cursing at the guy. That is
the way to handle this situation.
And then this guy looks at him like, "What an idiot you are," and he is. So, hope that
has been helpful. The steps, quick recap are: If you sense someone is being passive aggressive,
hold eye contact. Second, maintain the benefit of the doubt; maybe it's just a weird question,
maybe you're interpreting it the wrong way. Third, give them a warning shot. It can be
like, "I don't know why we're talking about this, but..." and then you continue on. Fourth,
call it out. You need to say, "What are we doing here? What are you trying to do?" And
then, if they don't stop, remove yourself from the situation.
So, that's a little way to deal with passive aggressiveness in many situations of life.
I hope that has been helpful. If it has, please subscribe to the channel. We'll be doing more
videos like these, and of course, if you want to get more of this that isn't on the channel,
we always make this offer at the end of our videos. We have an hour's worth of free Charisma
Breakdown. Robert Downey happens to be included in there. It's part of a course that we actually
sell, but you can get this bonus piece right now, today, for free, no strings attached.
Just click the link that I will have here and sign up.
I hope this has been helpful and see you soon in the next video.