- My mom's real close to getting cut out of my life.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - Yeah.
'Cause she lies a lot.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- She lies a lot.
I'm trying to catch her in a big lie, though.
Trying to get her good.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So the big lie I'm trying to catch her in
is that, um, well, my parents have been married
for 41 years, together the whole time, right?
- [cheering and applause]
- Um...you might wanna wait on the claps.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Til you hear the whole story.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- They've been together that whole time,
and I have an older brother, and then there's me,
and then we have a younger brother, and my younger brother
for sure has a different dad than us.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's like, obvious.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- He doesn't look like us, he doesn't act like us,
it's like the Gonzalez's, you know, we're all brown,
and he's super light skinned, right?
The Gonzalez's, we're all chubby,
he's super skinny.
The Gonzalez's, we're all dumb
and he can say the word "samatameously."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - Like...
- AUDIENCE: [cheering and applause]
- That's genes we don't have.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I don't know who your dad is, talking all like
an astronaut or whatever.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I know how my dad talks and he doesn't talk like that.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So I decided, I was like, "You know what?
I'm just gonna confront my mom," right?
"I'm a grown-ass woman.
I'm just gonna go up to her and confront her,"
so I did.
I said, "Mom, woman to woman...okay?
"You're a grown-ass woman, I'm a grown-ass woman.
You fuck, I fuck, we both fuck."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Tell me the truth.
Did you have an affair 25 years ago?"
And she looks me in my eyes and she goes...
"Vanessa."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Vanessa, I swear to God, okay?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I swear to God on Grammie's grave, okay?
I swear to God... I don't remember."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [cheering and applause]
- "Can we go to church now, please?"
- [applause]
- And I guess I believe her.
I mean, case closed on that.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I don't know how we're gonna find out,
we're not gonna do DNA testing, we can't afford that.
I feel like only my white friends get that
and they're always like,
"Oh, my God, look how white I am!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Wow! Europe!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Look at all this Europe!"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And we're like, "Yeah, we knew."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "We all knew."
I'm in my 30s and I have my first boyfriend ever.
- AUDIENCE: [cheering] - That's a big deal.
That's a big deal. - AUDIENCE: [applause]
- My mom's super excited about it.
She calls me every day and she's all,
"Do you still have a boyfriend?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Do you still have a boyfriend?"
And I'm like, "Yes, he's still my boyfriend,
we're still good."
And her second question is always,
"Are you pregnant yet?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - "Are you pregnant yet?
"You're not? Well, um... maybe you need to go get checked
"because I read a article
"that women who eat a lot of chicken nuggets, um,
"they can't have babies anymore
"because of the chicken nuggets.
"No, seriously, truly, um,
"scientists have scientifically studied
"and they found that the chicken nuggets, um,
mess up down there real bad."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "And, well, you know, I don't wanna name names,
but...you eat a lot of chicken nuggets."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- I'm like, "Yeah. These are facts."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- But then I thought about it,
and if it is true, and chicken nuggets
do prevent pregnancy...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- ...that's awesome. - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Right? Right? - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Then I can just pick up a 20-piece for the month.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- You know what I mean? - AUDIENCE: [applause]
- Pop a nug every day... - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- If you skip a day, two nugs the next day.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- What? I'm already eating chicken nuggets
all the time.
Now I'm preventing pregnancy too?
You know, "samatameously"? It's awesome.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- It's awesome.
And, you bet your ass you still gotta dip 'em
'cause that's what activates it.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- The barbecue and the honey mustard
make the babies not grow.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- My boyfriend's like, "Should I wear a condom?"
And I'm like, "Pfft."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Nah, man." - AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I doubled the chicken nuggets this month.
Let 'em fly."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] [applause]
- Don't try that, though, wear condoms. [chuckles]
- AUDIENCE: [laughing] - For sure, wear condoms.