I SPEND SO MUCH TIME UPSET ABOUT POLITICS THAT SOMETIMES IT'S
NICE TO JUST TAKE A BREAK, RELAX FOR A SECOND, AND BE
HYSTERICALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.
TODAY THAT SOMETHING IS EQUIFAX.
YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT EQUIFAX?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, GOOD.
BECAUSE THEY KNOW ABOUT YOU.
THE MASSIVE CREDIT REPORTING AGENCY WAS HACKED, WHICH HAS
EXPOSED 143 MILLION PEOPLE TO IDENTITY THEFT.
THAT MEANS HALF THE U.S.
POPULATION COULD HAVE THEIR IDENTITY STOLEN!
WHICH MEANS, IF YOU TURN TO THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU... THAT MIGHT
BE YOU AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, THIS IS BIG.
AS ONE FRAUD ANALYST SAID, "ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10 IN TERMS OF
RISK TO CONSUMERS, THIS IS A 10."
A 10!
WHICH IS ALSO YOUR CREDIT SCORE AFTER THIS HACK.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHAT EXACTLY WAS COMPROMISED?
ONLY EVERYONE'S CREDIT CARD INFORMATION AND SOCIAL SECURITY
NUMBERS AS WELL AS NAMES, BIRTHDATES, AND ADDRESSES.
SO CHANGING YOUR PASSWORDS WON'T HELP AND IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN
CHANGE MY BIRTH DATE!
IT IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MAY 13TH...
1985.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
AT LEAST ONCE THEY REALIZED THEY'D BEEN HACKED, EQUIFAX
RUSHED TO GET THE WORD OUT ON SEPTEMBER 7TH... AFTER THEY
DISCOVERED IT ON JULY 29TH.
THEY WAITED FIVE WEEKS!
"HELLO, 911, I'D LIKE TO REPORT A CAR ACCIDENT!
THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE.
YEAH, IT WAS ABOUT FIVE WEEKS AGO.
SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY DO SOMETHING.
BY THE WAY, HOW DO I GET DRIED BLOOD OUT OF YOUR UPHOLSTERY?"
SO THAT'S HORRENDOUS, "ALMOST" AS HORRENDOUS AS NEVER SAYING
ANYTHING ABOUT HOW THEY SUFFERED ANOTHER HACK FIVE MONTHS
EARLIER, WHICH INVOLVED THE SAME INTRUDERS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) NO, COME ON, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY -- "FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME TWICE, I AM YOU BECAUSE I JUST STOLE YOUR IDENTITY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND IT GETS WORSE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IDENTITY THEFT.
AND IT GETS WORSE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
THE SENATE IS NOW CALLING ON THE SECURITIES AND EXCHANGE
COMMISSION TO INVESTIGATE THE FACT THAT "THREE EQUIFAX
MANAGERS SOLD COMPANY STOCK RIGHT "BEFORE" THE CYBERHACK WAS
REVEALED."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OH, THERE IS LEADERSHIP.
THANK GOD THESE PEOPLE AREN'T PILOTS.
"AH, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THOSE MOUNTAINS
WE'RE APPROACHING.
THE COPILOT AND I ARE GOING TO KEEP EVERYBODY SAFE BY STEPPING
OUTSIDE AND MAKING SURE THESE PARACHUTES ARE WORKING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN DO
TO PROTECT YOURSELF.
LIKE SET A FREEZE ON YOUR CREDIT SO THIEVES CAN'T MESS
WITH IT.
BUT LAST WEEK, PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO SET UP THOSE FREEZES THROUGH
EQUIFAX "DISCOVERED THEY HAD TO PAY EQUIFAX FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF
PROTECTING THEMSELVES."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO THEY MADE YOU PAY THEM TO
PROTECT YOU... FROM THEM?
THAT'S NOT A CREDIT RATING AGENCY, THAT'S THE MAFIA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IT EXPLAINS THEIR NEW SLOGAN, "EQUIFAX: NICE CREDIT RATING YOU
GOT HERE.
IT'D BE A REAL SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO IT."
( LAUGHTER ) EQUIFAX TRIED TO FIX THINGS BY
SETTING UP A WEBSITE FOR CUSTOMERS TO GET INFORMATION
ABOUT THE HACK CALLED "EQUIFAX-SECURITY-2017-DOT-COM"
BECAUSE "WE-SUCK-AT-OUR-JOBS-DOT-BIZ"
WAS TAKEN.
UNFORTUNATELY, BY SETTING IT UP ON A SEPARATE DOMAIN INSTEAD OF
HOSTING IT ON EQUIFAX.COM, EQUIFAX MADE IT SUPER EASY FOR
BAD GUYS TO SET UP FAKE SITES THAT "SEEM" LIKE
"EQUIFAXSECURITY-2017-DOT-COM," WHICH SOMEONE DID, CALLING IT:
"SECURITY-EQUIFAX-2017-DOT-COM," AND EQUIFAX DIRECTED THEIR OWN
CUSTOMERS TO THE FAKE SITE!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SO THEN EQUIFAX ISSUED AN
APOLOGY, SAYING, "WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONFUSION, PLEASE BE
CAUTIOUS OF VISITING OTHER WEBSITES CLAIMING TO BE
OPERATED BY EQUIFAX."
ALSO, PLEASE BE REALLY CAUTIOUS OF VISITING WEBSITES THAT ARE
OPERATED BY EQUIFAX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE DEAL -- WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE
LITIGATION AS THE LAST LINE OF PROTECTION.
MAYBE.
BECAUSE EQUIFAX IS WAGING A CONCERTED CAMPAIGN TO REPEAL
FEDERAL REGULATIONS UPHOLDING CONSUMERS' RIGHTS TO SUE.
UH! UH! NO!
OUR RIGHT TO SUE IS WHAT MAKES US AMERICAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S UP THERE WITH FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND THE RIGHT TO
SUBSTITUTE ONION RINGS FOR SALAD.
( APPLAUSE ) FOR WHAT ARE ONION RINGS BUT
FRIED SALAD?
( LAUGHTER ) THE PROBLEM IS CREDIT RATING
COMPANIES HAVE A MONOPOLY ON HARVESTING YOUR PERSONAL
INFORMATION SO THEY CAN SELL IT TO COMPANIES WHO WANT TO SELL
YOU STUFF.
YOU AREN'T EQUIFAX'S CUSTOMER.
YOU ARE EQUIFAX'S PRODUCT.
WE'RE ALL LIKE FACTORY FARM CHICKENS GOING, "I LOVE THE FREE
BIRD SEED.
THIS PLACE HAS GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE!
GOTTA SAY THOSE WHIRLING BLADES COMING UP SEEM AWFULLY LOW."
MANAGER!
( APPLAUSE ) IS THAT A HOOK?
>> Jon: BETTER WATCH THAT HOOK!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WITH SO MANY
CORPORATIONS SELLING, LEAKING, OR ALLOWING
YOUR PRIVATE DATE TO BE STOLEN, IT SEEMS THERE'S NO WAY TO
PRESERVE YOUR PRIVACY.
UNTIL NOW.
♪ >> WELCOME TO IDENTI-VAULT.
I'M THOMAS MURPHY.
OR AM I?
MAYBE I STOLE THAT.
WE'RE THE ONLY COMPANY GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOUR
INFORMATION SAFE.
NO PHONES, NO INTERNET, NO CONTACT.
>> BEFORE IDENTITY FAULT I WAS HAVING TO CHANGE MY PASSWORD AND
CHANGE MY I.D.
>> WITH THE PLAN, IT WAS EASY TO MOVE US TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
WHERE, FRANKLY, DATA PRIVACY IS THE LEAST OF OUR CONCERNS.
>> I GO TOILET IN A HOLE.
GIT!
GIT OFF MY LAND!
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY NAME IS!
MY NAME IS BUCKSHOT IN YOUR ASS! (GUNFIRE)
>> IDENTITY FAULT, NO ONE CAN
STEAL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IF EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IS NOTHING
>> IDENTITY FAULT HAS JUST BEEN HACKED.
WE'LL BACK WITH JIM PARSONS!