Hi! I'm Mario Lopez, here at the Golden Shiny Awards. I'm here with some celebrities wearing the most beautiful outfits.
Oh, Jennifer Lawrence, you look amazing! Who are you wearing?
Marc Jacobs.
Ah, fantastic! Um, how about you Lucy Liu?
Dolce & Gabbana.
Oh, so beautiful, my favorite!
And Leonardo DiCaprio?
My assistant Steve because I got a stain on my tux from some buffalo wings I ate earlier.
Is he dead?
Yeah, yeah, he's dead.
*Awkward Silence*
Every Award show ever
And now your hosts for the evening James Franco and Chris Rock.
How's everybody doing? Hey, how ya doing? And the nominees for best actor in a drama are...
Leonardo DiCaprio for "You Thought I Died in the Ocean, but I Secretly Lived"
Leonardo DiCaprio in, "I Actually Died in the dream, but not in Real life"
Leonardo DiCaprio for, "I almost Died in the Cold Ass Winter, Lived In a Bear and ate Bison liver"
Because let's face it, the only reason you saw this movie was because you saw how we made it.
Was he in every movie this year?
I guess he was tired of not winning nothing.
That [makes] sense. And the winner is...
Some British guy for an Artsy 'Bull Sh*t' movie. You'll never see.
I Won because I was dressed as a woman.
Damn, you British actors and 'Bull Sh*t' movies!!
*claps*
*clapping intensifies*
Every Award show ever
The winner for Best Actress goes to...
Lucy Liu!
Wow, okay! I just want to take a moment to thank my mom and my dad.
*Music starts*
I worked way, too hard, Lucy Liu gonna keep talking, okay? **muffled**
Play louder!
*Music gets louder*
ha!
(heavy metal music drowning out speech)
Smash them together!
(pans clanking loudly)
(speech continuing)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Every Oscar so white ever
And the winner for Best Cat Performance in a Musical or Documentary goes to...
Leonardo DiCatrio?
YES!
Oh Leo must have thought the cat category had the least competition and he dressed up like a cat
Oh, Leonardo DiCatrio is his cat name.
Clever.
In your stupid British face!!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Actually the award goes to
Some British cat. It was on the card the whole time, guys. I'm so sorry. It was on the card the whole time.
OH COME ON! Gawwd!!
Every old white man's opinion Ever
and the winner for Best Method Acting goes to...
Daniel Day-Lewis for the Assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
Is he dead?
Oh man, He was so mad did he have to die to do that role any justice.
See that Leo? That's real talent.
F*** You Franco!
It's an honor just to be nominated
And the award for the Most Adorable Celebrity We Can Never Get Mad At Ever goes to...
Jennifer Lawrence!
Oh!
She wins over my heart every time
OH!
She's just the definition of humble
You go, J-Law.
And for the last category of the night the Person Of The Year Award goes to...
AHHHH!!
*screaming*
If I can't win the Oscars, NO ONE CAN!!
I Won!!! I actually won finally! YES!!
HA HA! Ha.
(inspirational music)
(warbles down abruptly)
NOOOOOO
Every Award Show Ever
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