- What kind of world do we live in
where we can't stage a fake gay bashing
without really being gay bashed?
(audience laughs)
(techno music)
- Welcome to This is Not Happening presents
One Crazy Night.
So this is what we do,
our bunch of comedians tell stories about a similar subject
so this is just one crazy night.
Please give it up for my friend and yours
Mr Sean Patton everybody.
(audience cheers)
- There are three things you need to know about me
before I commence telling this story.
It's very simple.
One, I was born and raised in New Orleans, Louisianna,
two, I'm trained in stage combat.
My friend Tommy and I, we're high school friends,
we're both comedians, as a goof
we started taking stage combat classes,
it kept going for a year.
And three, I've only snorted cocaine once in my life.
Now, I've done cocaine half a dozen times
but I've only snorted it once.
What I mean by that, is that I would always go last,
I would cut the biggest line,
I'd be the most amped about it,
I'd let all my friends go first
and as soon as they were off in the corner
comparing how the drip felt, I would just wipe it away
and go "woo yeah" and then just be high energy all night.
Why didn't I actually do coke?
Because it's fucking cocaine,
it's bad for you, I was scared.
Do I need to explain anymore?
Terrified to do it, didn't want to do it.
So I lied.
However one year, 2004 on Lundi Gras Day,
that's the day before Mardi Gras,
if you know your New Orleans shit
and it's the crazy day.
It's when the fucking crazy fucking things happen.
It's when people do coke for the first time for real.
That's exactly what happened.
I was with my friend Tommy and was like fuck it man,
let's do this coke for real
and it was amazing.
Anyway, so we're coked up, we're both comedians,
we're both trained in stage combat,
we're let loose on the streets of French Quarter
in New Orleans on Lundi Gras Day.
Duh, what's gonna happen?
Fight scenes, you bet your fat ass.
Non-stop fight scenes in front of tourists.
Where you would see big groups of tourists
looking for tits, chanting for tits in the wrong places,
we would roll up, we'd act like a gay couple
that had gotten into an argument,
that had turn into a spat that it will become a fight.
So we'd walk by like "Why can't I be on top tonight?"
"Well because you're hung like a fucking light switch."
"Well at least my cum doesn't taste like blood."
and then we'd start fighting
(audience laughs)
and then we'd go at it.
And the weird thing was, no one ever once threatened
to call the cops, tried to break us up or stop us,
they just let it happen.
And it was weird because the thing is,
I look now like I did then
and I think I look now and then like a cancer victim
that survived cancer by eating the tumor out of his body.
That's my description of myself.
Tommy is sculpted out of marble,
he's got an eight-pack, he's a gorgeous human being,
he is now, he was then.
So I would always win the fight
'cause it just didn't look right.
And at one point I remember we're fighting
and there's just this old black dude
just chilling, just watching us, smoking a cigarette
and who knows if it was a menthol, I don't wanna stereotype,
it could've been, you know, I don't wanna be that guy
who just assumes he's puffing on a Newport,
could've been a clove for all I know.
Now he's just standing there puffing away,
then Tommy tries to get his attention
and he goes, and Tommy is a great actor,
he was in character.
He's like "Help, help my lover's hitting me."
and this old black dude with all his old black man wisdom
just goes, "Well hit him back you're both boys ain't ya?"
(audience laughs)
So we decided after a while that maybe
we were just too predictable, we decide to change,
to flip the script, to change it up.
He started, Tommy, he played a gay prostitute.
So he was just standing on random corners going,
"I'm selling dick by the inch, dick by the inch".
Which doesn't really make sense but made me laugh real hard.
It's like so what if they wondered,
how much by the inch and what if they only want
half your dick, can they get half, half?
Cause what are they gonna do with only half?
Wait a second it's not like a Kielbasa,
you're not slicing off dick by the inch.
He would do that and I would play a gay basher.
So I would roll up on him outta nowhere
and be like "you fucking queer," through a punch
and we had the move all worked out.
He would catch, barrel roll me, roundhouse kick,
upper cut, I'd be out cold.
It was beautiful.
We nailed this time and time again.
There was this one point, this old woman
just out of nowhere was like "He deserved that,
"he deserved it."
'cause I'm a good actor.
Tom is a better actor though
'cause after every time he beat my ass
he would celebrate, people would walk up
and high-five him and shit
and be like "Dicks two for one by the inch
"for the next hour" which makes less sense
than just selling dick by the inch.
"Dicks two for one by the inch"
what does that even mean?
I don't care' it's hilarious!
(audience laughs)
At one point we knew the fight,
I'm laying there unconscious, he's celebrating,
a few people come by and high-give and at one point
just out of nowhere, this dude rolls up on him,
eating a lucky dog, which if you've never
been to New Orleans a lucky dog, it's just a giant hot dog.
Someone chuckled like they know what a lucky dog is.
Oh it's bad.
It's like 14in of hot dog.
I don't know why they call it lucky
unless you're the kind of person who's like
"Oh, I get to shit 15 times tomorrow, lucky me!"
"Nom nom nom nom nom"
But this dude just rolls up on Tommy who's like celebrating,
he's like "Dick is three for one by the inch"
and keeps getting funnier the more he offers
although it makes less sense.
"Nom nom nom nom nom nom" and this guy walks up
nibbling on his lucky dog, he's like "Hey dude
"you really gay, you really gay?"
First of all I thought that was a funny thing
of him to ask that question while nibbling
on a giant phallic shaped thing in a bun.
"Really gay?"
And I'm watching this a few feet away pretending
to be unconscious thinking "Oh damn, a real john."
(audience laughs)
"We are good!"
But then Tommy still in character doesn't break a frame
and he goes "Yes I am Mr Man, gay as shit,
"dick is free for you."
Then this man, this stranger, drops that lucky dog,
rears back and punches Tommy in the chest hard,
no stage combat, now just straight up (makes hitting sound),
punches him fucking hard and I see that
and think "Oh no, a real gay basher!"
(audience laughs)
"We were too good, noooooo!!!"
So I jump up, I get between 'em.
I'm like "Hey, hey dude, back off, seriously back off,
it's fine" and this dude goes,
"What, man fuck that, he was about to rape you!"
Is that what was about to happen?
(audience laughs)
He was 20ft away dancing.
(audience laughs)
What do you think rape is sir?
You think it's just someone dancing 20ft away from you?
But then I realize this guys is a bigot, like all bigots,
he thinks incorrectly.
So I was just like "Dude, it's fine, get the fuck out
of here man, he's not gay, he's my friend"
but Tommy, as I said a great actor doesn't break character
and he's still in character and now he's angry
and just goes "Fuck this, yes I am, I'm gay as shit,
"bring it motherfucker, bring it!"
What happens next was, that gay basher throws one punch,
it hits be directly in the jaw.
Now if you've never been hit directly in your jaw before,
what happens is your legs disappear,
they disappear,
they turn into a magical cloud,
that you float to the ground happily,
bye (makes cartoon sounds).
And I say this only once in my life,
I'm glad I was on cocaine, I'm glad,
because I didn't get knocked out.
I fell but I stayed conscious and I credit that entirely
with the blow in my system.
And I'm glad I stayed conscious 'cause what I saw next
was amazing.
What I saw next was my friend Tommy,
who I had known most of my life,
who I knew was trained in stage combat just like I,
I saw him square up on this dude Wolverine style
(audience laughs)
take a punch to the face and go "That's all I needed"
and then fuck this guy up bad, destroy him,
(applause)
like destroyed him.
Like and I mean, yeah, trained in stage combat
didn't matter, turns out he was a natural at real combat.
It was amazing.
There was like Jason Bourned elbows and shit,
he landed a jump knee, he landed a jump knee.
When have you seen anyone just (grunting sound)
land a jump knee in the dudes chin.
Like it was so badass that when Tommy
was finally done with this dude we had to skedaddle
'cause now we were the bad guys.
We'd gone to far, so we got up, got the fuck outta there,
went to a bar, had an emergency medical beer
and we're just kinda like walking around talking about it,
I'm like yapping my ass off.
Like I can't believe that happened that was amazing,
Tommy has been quiet for sometime like a few minutes now,
and he finally just goes look, "You understand though,
"that that was real, that was real" and I was like
"Yeah, I know it was real, it hurt, ow"
then he goes, he gets real serious, he's like
"No no, umm, (sigh),
I'm the gay thing, I'm gay, I'm gay.
"I've tried to come out to you for years,
"I said it then figuring fuck it, kill two birds
"with one stone, I'm gay."
(audience laughs)
So you think about this for a second,
not only am I the only person who's straight that I ever met
who's been gay bashed
(audience laughs)
but that is how my friend Tommy
got to come out to me,
which is the most badass way to come out
of the closet possible.
Just announce, "Yes I am, I'm gay as shit,
"bring it motherfucker" and then immediately thrash a bigot
like right out of the gates you know.
(applause)
Can't top it, can't top it!
Thank you very much.
(audience cheers)
- Hey everybody, I just took a break
from flying through space to tell you
to click like over there so that we get more YouTube hits
and don't forget to subscribe so that next week
when the story comes out, you'll get that as well.
Oh, there goes a celestial planet.
Hi planet.