A few years ago, prominent Christian radio host and psychologist Dr.
James Dobson said this about affirming pastors:
Really?
When I was growing up, my family, like a lot of Christian families, listened to Dr. Dobson
regularly. He was the head of a media empire—we read his books and magazines, we listened to his
radio show, we got his kids’ tapes with our nuggets and waffle fries from Chick-fil-A.
So although he’s not nearly as influential now as he used to be,
when he says something like this, it affects a lot of people.
And this isn’t the only time he’s said it. Here he is on another occasion,
talking to Franklin Graham:
So how did somebody so prominent get this so wrong?
This is a great example of what happens when people confuse sexual orientation
with sexual behavior. As I’ve pointed out repeatedly in the past, sexual orientation is defined by who you’re
attracted to—a straight woman is attracted to men, a gay woman is attracted to women,
and a bisexual woman is attracted to both. That’s all bisexual means—attracted
to men and women. She could be monogamous, she could be celibate,
she could be waiting for the right person—she’s still bisexual, because that’s her orientation.
Dr. Dobson is wrongly defining bisexual not as an orientation but as a sexual behavior—sex with men
and women at the same time. But why would it mean that? Straight people don’t have sex with
everyone they’re attracted to at the same time; why would that be any different for bi people?
This is such a simple concept that it seems a little silly to have to explain it. But a surprising
number of myths about bisexuals can be traced back to not understanding this basic idea.
For example, I haven’t heard too many people claim that bisexual means orgies,
but I have heard a bunch of people claim that bisexuals can’t be monogamous—or
refuse to date someone bisexual because they’re afraid that person would cheat.
But that’s just as silly as saying that bisexuality means orgies. Being attracted to
multiple people doesn’t mean you can’t choose to settle down with one of them. A straight man might
be attracted to different women for different reasons, but he can still decide to commit himself
to one woman, even though there are other women out there who push his buttons in different ways.
Okay, that may not be the best example of this, but you get my point.
No matter what your orientation is, monogamy requires sacrifice. By committing to one person,
you’re saying no to the alternatives. But it’s a sacrifice many people believe is worth it.
And bi people make that decision for the same reason straight and gay people do.
The problem isn’t that bisexuals can’t be monogamous.
The problem is that when they are, we tend to assume they’re either straight or gay.
It’s an easy mistake to make. “She has a husband…she must be straight.”
“He has a husband…he must be gay.”
These are common, understandable assumptions. But
they contribute to a problem often called “bi erasure.”
Dividing the world into gay and straight can make people who aren’t gay or straight feel alone,
and misidentifying bi folks as gay or straight
takes away important role models for other bi folks who are young or newly out.
And that kind of invisibility adds fuel to another myth—that bisexuals simply don’t exist,
like nuanced Twitter arguments or lighthearted Zack Snyder films.
Unfortunately, one of the causes of this myth is people like me.
See, like many gay people, I grew up not wanting to be gay. I called myself straight for many years,
but eventually the time came that I just couldn’t ignore my same-sex
attraction any more. So because I wasn’t ready to face the truth that I was gay,
I convinced myself for a while that I was bi.
It was a half-truth. It allowed me to admit to myself that I was attracted to men
without admitting to myself that I wasn’t attracted to women.
This is super common. A lot of gay people claim to be bi before finally admitting they’re gay.
It’s so common, in fact, that it gave rise to a joke among some gay people,
who, when someone came out as bi, would laugh and say, “Bi now, gay later!” Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.
Look, if you’re describing stories like mine, yes, it’s clever wordplay. But to
make that assumption about somebody else is horribly insensitive and deeply hurtful.
A lot of us gay folks got it wrong when we called ourselves bi. But that doesn’t
mean there aren’t genuine bi folks out there. I know from listening to my bi friends that they
really do experience attraction to both men and women—something I never had.
So, sure, not everybody who claims to be bi is bi, but lots of people are.
Yes, Virginia, there are bisexuals.
On the other hand, some people go to the opposite extreme,
claiming that everyone is really bisexual and no one is truly gay or straight.
I can see where people might get this idea. Researchers sometimes depict straight, bi,
and gay on a spectrum, partly as a way to show that there are degrees of bisexuality. You could
be here, or here.
So in the fight against bi erasure, it can be tempting to imagine that
everyone’s somewhere in the middle, and people just don’t admit it because of social pressure.
But the evidence just doesn’t support that. Research overwhelmingly shows that
most people really are straight, and after years of listening to people cry because of
their lack of opposite-sex attraction, I can assure you that some people really are gay.
It’s true that social stigma makes it hard to know how many people are bi.
Many researchers believe that bisexuality is more common in women than in men,
but nobody can say for certain what the percentages are.
All we can say with certainty is that some people really are bi, and some people really aren’t.
It’s easy to assume that other people feel the same things you do—to think that if you’re bi,
everyone must be, and if you’re not bi, no one must be. But in fact, people are different.
And that brings us to one final myth.
In another video, I discussed the false claim that anyone can become straight if they want to be.
Well, sometimes bi folks are misrepresented— or misrepresent themselves—as
having gone from gay to straight because they
went from a same-sex relationship to an opposite-sex relationship. But, again,
that doesn’t mean their orientation changed. They were bi to start with, and they’re still bi.
And since not everyone is bi, those same options aren’t available to everyone.
But for many Christians, that raises an interesting question.
Since bi folks can choose an opposite-sex romance, should they? Are they obligated to?
If arguments for same-sex marriage begin with the premise that gay people
don’t have a choice in our attractions, where do those arguments leave bi people,
who presumably could choose an opposite-sex relationship if they wanted to?
That question deserves a whole video of its own.
And it just so happens it’s the subject of my next video. Stay tuned; bi for now.
Or in my case, gay, actually.