- HEY, LAST NIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WAS DOING.
I WAS WATCHING TV. I WAS AT HOME WATCHING TV.
'CAUSE I WAS CLUBBING THE NIGHT BEFORE,
AND I NEEDED TO RECOVER.
AND SO THE NEWS CAME ON,
AND HERE'S WHAT I NOTICED ABOUT THE NEWS.
IT'S BAD.
IT'S ALL BAD.
IT'S BAD NEWS.
IT'S NOT ALL BAD.
THERE'S SOME TERRIBLE NEWS,
AND THEN THERE'S AWFUL NEWS,
AND THEN THERE'S THE WEATHER,
WHICH, LATELY, HAS BEEN BAD NEWS.
IT'S EASY TO GET DEPRESSED WATCHING IT,
SO I HAD AN IDEA.
I WANTED TO COME OUT HERE TODAY,
AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU GOOD NEWS.
I WANTED TO FIND GOOD NEWS.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU, STEWART.
THIS IS JUST GOOD, POSITIVE, HAPPY--
WHATEVER I FIND THAT'S GOOD AND POSITIVE AND HAPPY,
THAT'S WHAT I'M SHARING.
NOPE.
[laughter]
YECH.
[laughter]
OKAY, SO THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE.
THERE'S NO GOOD NEWS.
FORGET IT.
NO.
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU SOME THINGS THAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,
BECAUSE A STUDY CAME OUT RECENTLY.
IT SAID THAT WATCHING CUTE, HAPPY VIDEOS FOR ONE MINUTE,
JUST ONE MINUTE A DAY,
WILL LOWER YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE AND BOOST YOUR MOOD.
I JUST MADE THAT STUDY UP, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE--
[laughter]
IT SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD REALLY HELP.
I MEAN, IT CAN'T HURT, SO LET'S TRY IT.
HERE'S-- THIS IS A PEEWEE FOOTBALL TEAM,
AND THEY WON THE GAME, AND THEY'RE JUST CELEBRATING.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY RUN AND THEY BREAK THROUGH THE BANNER
TO CELEBRATE?
OKAY, WELL, HERE THEY GO.
[triumphant music]
YEP. NOPE. NOPE.
[laughter]
TRY IT AGAIN.
NOPE. NO.
NO. NO. UH-OH.
NO. NO. NO.
[laughs]
AH.
SO, ALL RIGHT, WE MOVE ON TO ANOTHER PORTION
OF OUR CUTE ANIMAL VIDEOS.
THIS IS A KITTEN AFRAID OF ITS OWN SHADOW.
[upbeat music]
OOP.
THAT'S A SCAREDY-CAT RIGHT THERE.
NOW, I'VE SHOWN YOU A KITTEN VIDEO.
I'M OBLIGATED LEGALLY TO SHOW YOU A PUPPY VIDEO.
[upbeat music]
audience: AW.
- THAT'S JUST CUTE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL THOSE PUPPIES.
THAT MOMMY'S SO HAPPY.
THEY'RE CUTE, BUT WAIT TILL THEY'RE TEENAGERS.
IT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE.
ALL RIGHT, SO I'VE SHOWN YOU DOG VIDEOS.
AND I HAVE ONE MORE VIDEO.
THIS IS A VIDEO--
IT'S ANOTHER CAT VIDEO.
audience: AW.
- VERY POLITE. VERY POLITE.
PLEASE, JUST ONE MORE SCRATCH, PLEASE.
EXCUSE ME.
PARDON ME, NAKED MAN.
JUST ONE MORE SCRATCH.
[laughter]
YOU'RE VERY HANDSOME.
VERY HANDSOME.
HE'S CUTE.
[applause]
SO I'VE SHOWN YOU A CAT VIDEO, A DOG VIDEO.
I'M REQUIRED TO SHOW YOU A CUTE BABY VIDEO.
THIS IS ADORABLE.
THIS IS A BABY NOT IN A GOOD MOOD
UNTIL SHE HEARS KATY PERRY.
- [crying]
[Katy Perry's "Dark Horse" playing]
[laughter]
- Y'ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS.
KATY PERRY.
JUICY J.
UH-HUH.
LET'S RAGE.
- [singing] I KNEW YOU WERE
YOU WERE GONNA COME TO ME
AND HERE YOU ARE
BUT YOU BETTER CHOOSE CAREFULLY
'CAUSE I
I'M CAPABLE OF ANYTHING
- OH.
- OH, IT'S KATY PERRY!
OOH.
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
ME TOO.