- Comedy Central, let's go.
Y'all look good, like really good.
I look good, really good.
I'm still getting used to being hot and funny.
You know, just not a good multitasker so this is new.
I do feel good.
You know what?
I did put on some pounds recently, but I'm not mad about it.
You know, I've just been eating nonstop
'cause the oral fixation is real
when you finally kick that bad habit.
But I'm proud to say it's officially been three months
since I quit sucking dick.
(audience cheering)
I started when I was 19.
At first, I was in denial.
A lot of my friends sucked dick
so I'd say I was a social sucker, just at parties.
You know, I'll have one, two won't hurt, you know?
Classic peer pressure.
Next thing you know, I'm sucking dick alone.
Just to pass the time when I'm bored.
Wasn't until I went through a bad breakup,
that's when I started chain sucking.
Just everywhere I went,
people could smell it in my breath, on my clothes.
No amount of mints or perfume could hide it.
You know, I had a problem but I'm in a better place now.
You know, I still get the shakes, the sweats,
and the cravings, holy shit.
The cravings, especially when I'm drinking, you know?
'Cause back then, it was beer in one hand,
dick in the other.
It was just the perfect pairing.
I'm going to a Justin Bieber concert next week.
So that's where I'm at in life.
(laughs)
I've peaked, I've really peaked.
I was thinking about it
and a concert is pretty much a huge hypnotism.
Okay, we will do anything and everything
the person on stage tells us to do.
Like call and response is pure brainwash.
They will sneak shit in there.
They'll be like, when I say, hey, y'all say ho.
Hey. - [Crowd] Ho.
- Hey. - [Crowd] Ho.
- When I say pro, y'all say life.
Pro. - [Crowd] Life.
- What? No, no, no, no.
What the fuck did I just agreed to?
We're just so excited to be a part of something, you know?
When I say eat, y'all say ass.
Eat. - [Crowd] Ass.
- Eat. - [Crowd] Ass.
- Who first?
And there's always a point during the show
when the person on stage is like,
let's get those phones out.
You know, let's light this bitch up.
Turn those flashlights on.
I have 2% left on my phone
and like 13 pending Snapchat stories but sure,
this battery's not gonna waste itself.
I have to call an Uber home, but I thought you'd never ask.
I need to update that joke.
Are we still on Snapchat?
I have 13 pending MySpace HTMLs, I gotta go.
Okay, so we're all around 30.
Okay, class of '07?
I'm single.
Wow, this is like Hinge in real life.
No.
We'll be in touch.
You know who the fuck you are.
I'm just gonna start airdropping my nudes.
That's my dating app, just airdrop my nudes,
whoever accepts, it's on.
A lot of pros and cons to being single.
One of the biggest cons personally is the carpal tunnel.
It's rough, I'm telling you,
after one lonely night, I gotta watch where I go, okay?
My right hand is throwing up gang signs
for a good three days.
It's just stuck.
You know, I'll be in a sketchy neighborhood.
Like no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not, I'm not throwing up, I'm not.
No, no, no, I don't want any trouble.
This is M for masturbation.
That's the only thing I'm repping.
It's simply the clit walk, you know?
I don't, it's the curse of the coochie claw, you know?
You can't do shit with the coochie claw.
You can't shake hands, you know?
You can't fucking shoot hoops.
It's rock, paper, coochie claw.
That's my only option in life.
A lot of my friends are not single
and they're all getting married.
So all their weddings got pushed 'cause of the pandemic.
I'm gonna be a bridesmaid like four times in April.
One more and I get a free Boba milk tea.
Yeah, it's the stamp card system.
And a lot of girls love it.
But to me, it's exhausting.
Like I fucking hate being a bridesmaid.
At this point, I don't know what's worse.
Getting asked to be a bridesmaid
or getting selected for jury duty.
It's just the same, same dread, same burden.
When I open up that envelope, you know,
like I thought I just did this.
Why me?
And I wish I could get out of being a bridesmaid
like I could get outta jury duty.
Like I wish I could just show up at the wedding
and pretend I don't know English, you know?
Just call up the bride and tell her I hate cops.
Like how do I get outta here?
You're just forced to interact
with a group of strangers you don't know.
The bachelorette weekend is a fucking nightmare, okay?
Like they're always on IG Live.
Like how many champagne boomerangs can I do in 72 hours?
Just cameras everywhere.
Like what kind of fucking reality show did I sign up for?
It's literally me, the college roommate, the groom's sister,
the fucking cousin, the hairstylist, the summer camp BFF.
It's literally seven strangers picked to live in a house
and have their lives taped.
We are around 30, okay.
This is a Road Rules section.
I didn't mean to get into politics today, but.
My mom is pressuring me to have a baby like ASAP.
Like she wants to be a grandma tonight.
I think there's a sign up sheet going around.
I'm not a baby person yet, I'm not a baby person.
The way you're looking at me though, honey.
You named our kids already.
I'm not a baby person yet.
You know, a baby is way too permanent.
A baby is a tattoo you have to feed
and I'm just not ready for that life.
Like I'll say what's up to a baby, you know?
But I'm not gonna hit follow back.
I don't know you like that, I don't know you like that.
My mom, she doesn't actually have expectations
when it comes to who I end up with.
She is obsessed with blue eyes
so she wants me to marry someone with blue eyes
'cause to her, that means my baby will have blue eyes.
I think the harsh reality here is
that my mom never learned Punnett squares.
I don't know how to tell her.
So this is the biology convention
for the class of 2007, got it.
I took the same biology class
like seven times in high school 'cause I break stereotypes.
And it's fucked up 'cause everything we learn in biology,
like we knew we were never gonna see again.
Sometimes at Starbucks when they ask me for my name,
I say mitochondria, just to use it, just to say I used it.
Of course they always misspell it and mispronounce it.
We have a vanilla bean frappuccino for Marie Kondo.
Just, I'll take it, I'll take it.
Yeah, I really don't wanna disappoint my mom
but it's hard to find love, you know?
I'm bisexual and I, (audience cheers)
thank you so much.
Representation matters.
I'm bisexual and I also don't really have a type.
So it's all a gamble, you know?
It's all a gamble.
And it's really interesting when I date men,
especially non-Asian men,
'cause they're always shocked when they find out
I'm not society's bullshit definition
of what an Asian woman's supposed to be.
You know, I'm not traditional, I'm not submissive,
I'm wild as fuck, and that's the truth.
Like I'm down for it all, okay?
But there's one thing I will absolutely not let slide.
There's this guy I was hooking up with.
He comes over one night, steps into my apartment,
and off the bat, tells me he wants to try anal.
I'm looking at him like not so fast.
Shoes off, okay?
What the fuck do you think this is?
I'm Sherry Cola, y'all.
(electronic music)