So you decided to go camping out at an abandoned summer camp and now you and your best friends
are running for your lives from a psychopathic killer who's nearly unstoppable.
Well, to find out how to survive history's most prolific horror movie killers we've tasked
your favorite lab rat with watching a bunch of horror movies and writing us a detailed
survival guide.
If you want to last even a minute against Jason Voorhees, you'd better stay tuned in
for our Friday the 13th Survival Guide.
Survival Rule 1: Dead Mothers Know Best (use relevant clips from 1 minute to 6:45 minute
mark)
Alright so you and your bestie are running from a psychopathic killer.
Well, let's break this scene down from the top- first of all, don't run into the nearest
creepy shack, or any sort of building that you aren't sure has a second exit.
There's a reason rabbits typically have two entrances and exits to their burrows, and
it's so they don't get cornered by a psychopath with a pickaxe.
If a building looks occupied, then by all means go for it- most normal killers will
break off pursuit if they think other people may be around.
As far as Jason, well, the more people you run into the more potential victims for Jason
and the less chance he'll decide to keep going after you.
It's kind of like that old adage of hikers and backpackers everywhere: you don't have
to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your friend.
But ok, somehow you've stumbled into Jason's personal home and come across the remains
of his dead mother.
As disgusting as it seems, putting on his dead mother's clothing is actually pretty
clever.
Many serial killers have serious mommy or daddy issues- take Ed Gein for instance, who
was basically a real-life Jason Voorhees.
Disguising yourself as Jason's mother triggers the momma's boy in him, and like most psychopaths
with mommy issues, he responds to female authority quite well.
Our heroine's only mistake was not stabbing him in the head fast enough.
Lastly, let's talk about dead bodies.
More specifically, let's talk about making sure bodies are actually dead.
Jason took a machete to the torso and through his collarbone, but truthfully that's not
really hitting anything vital enough to kill someone right away.
If you're getting chased by a serial killer and you manage to bring him down, take an
extra five seconds to make sure they're down.
Put that big, rusty machete through somewhere a little harder to survive- like the throat.
When it comes to murder, you really have to double check your work.
Survival Rule 2: Home Is Where The Murder Is (use relevant clips from 13:45 to 16:30)
Ah yes the toilet- is there a more vulnerable time in your life then when you're dropping
the kids off at the pool?
Ok, let's forget that our hero in this scene clearly did not wipe (or even flush) after
getting off the pot- in fact this will be a recurring theme in this film- and let's
discuss some home security basics.
First, if there's news of a serial killer in your immediately vicinity, maybe take some
precautions like locking all the doors and windows.
Don't go outside when it's getting dark unless you absolutely need to, and even then, take
a buddy with you- instead of heading out to do laundry and leaving your home wide open
for Jason to stroll right in and set up an ambush.
Honestly, there's little that could've saved this couple.
But as long as you're not leaving your home wide open to a serial killer that just murdered
eight people right next door, you should be alright.
Also, wipe and flush people, try and act like you deserve the gift of indoor plumbing.
Survival Rule 3: Dealing With Rapscallions (use relevant clips from 31:15 to 32:25, and
33:00 to 33:30)
Let's face it, we've all been there.
You stop at a rural country shop for some groceries when suddenly you're accosted by
a trio of leatherclad thugs with slicked back greasy hair, random chains hanging around
their neck, and high heel stilettos with peak 80s hair, all demanding you use proper manners.
As any self-defense expert will tell you, the best way to win a fight is to never fight
it, so just give the thugs what they want or you might find yourself on the wrong side
of Michael Jackson'esque dance-fight sequence.
This scene is why your parents told you to always use your manners.
By the way, anyone else remember when a $20 bought you armfulls of groceries?
Or when you could stop a car by threatening to punch it?
Survival Rule 4: Kill It With Fire (use relevant clips from 41:53 to 43:39)
Once more, yet another scenario we've all found ourselves in once or twice in our lives.
Some young teenager runs over your gang's motorcycles so you track them down, siphon
their gas, and prepare to do some serious property damage via arson.
But the teenagers you're taking your revenge on just happen to be staying at a farm being
stalked by a psychopathic serial killer- honestly, it could happen to anyone.
First, let's remember that stomach wounds are almost never immediately fatal.
You can survive as much as a half hour with a serious gunshot wound to the stomach before
dying, but try that somewhere else like your head or upper chest and you're pretty much
dead.
It's going to hurt- a lot- but taking a pitchfork to the gut isn't going to kill you immediately,
so maybe try, I don't know, screaming for help?
Maybe scream for help before getting stabbed in the gut, like right after seeing your friend's
girlfriend hanging from a rafter with a pitchfork through her throat?
Listen, I get it, you're trying to keep up your badass 80's thug reputation, complete
with bandanna tied around one arm, slicked back hair, and single earring- I told you,
we've all been there- but if there's anything less cool than school, it's being dead.
But what if you're the third friend in this trio of unlikely thugs, finding your totally
punk rock girlfriend and greaser friend dead?
Instead of getting into a toe-to-toe with whoever offed your peoples, why not just go
with the original plan?
Burn the whole barn down.
Fire is an excellent problem solver, I recommend it for everything from serial killers to long
lines at the DMV.
Survival Rule 5: Nobody Likes Jugglers (use 45:25 to 45:32)
No, really.
Nobody likes jugglers.
So don't be that guy.
Survival Rule 6: Try And Not Be A Perfect Target (use relevant clips from 1:00:00 to
1:00:31)
Alright, so I looked it up for you guys and no, you couldn't get a very accurate shot
off with a fishing speargun at anything more than close range.
That's because the spear projectile is just too heavy and un-aerodynamic, it relies on
water to keep it stable on its way to spearing a fish, and even then you still have to be
pretty close.
However, if some madman in a hockey mask- by the way this is the first time Jason appears
in his iconic hockey mask- is aiming a giant speargun at you, maybe don't just sit there.
Even if you think it's just some friend pulling a prank on you, seriously, those things have
hair triggers, so remember the five D's of dodgeball to stay alive: dodge, duck, dip,
dive, and dodge.
Survival Rule 7: Walk Normal, Not Like An Idiot (use relevant clips from 1:02:46 to
1:02:58- don't show the nudity)
This is a tip not just for survival situations, but pretty much everyday life: walk normal.
I don't care how talented and agile you are to be able to prance around on your hands,
nobody is impressed.
In fact, we're all kind of put off by it.
Specially if you're doing it around the house for some dumb reason.
Save it for the Olympic mat, Simon Biles.
This was for me personally my no.2 most satisfying death.
Not just for the stupid walking around on his hands thing, but also for offering his
pregnant girlfriend a beer.
Though I'm not sure if 1980s science had yet figured out that knocking back brewskies was
bad for fetuses.
What was my no.
1 most satisfying death?
I won't tell... yet.
Survival Rule 8: Nothing Good Ever Happened On a Hammock (use relevant clips from 1:04:51
to 1:05:15)
Hammocks.
The thought of one brings to mind a relaxing summer day, the sun high in the sky and you
relaxing as you gently sway in the breeze and doze off into a lazy nap.
The reality couldn't be more different.
Have you ever tried a hammock?
They're treacherous.
Lean the wrong way or shift too suddenly and you're going to end up face down in the dirt.
And don't even get me started on actually climbing into one in the first place, which
requires years of freestyle rock climbing experience to even attempt.
So, yeah, just stay off a hammock.
If your friend invites you to their getaway cabin and shows you to your bedroom but there's
no bed, only a hammock, punch that friend in the throat and run away.
That's not your friend, that's a crazy person, because nobody- and I mean nobody- replaces
their indoor beds with hammocks because that's just an insane thing to do.
Also maybe take a glance through the very obviously see-through mesh of a hammock before
you climb into one to make sure a seven foot tall man in a hockey mask isn't waiting to
stab you to death.
Survival Rule 9: Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug...
To Murder (use relevant clips starting at 1:08:11 to 1:08:24 and 1:09:00 to 1:09:28...
make sure you show him picking up the red hot poker from fireplace)
Side effects of cannabis use includes lethargy, slowed reflexes, dulled senses, and a lack
of energy- all symptoms that prove fatal in a survival situation.
We all knew our two resident pot heads were going to bite it, but if they hadn't been
high on the devil's cigarettes they might have stood a good chance at survival.
Getting electrocuted is pretty much a guaranteed death, unless someone is there to pry you
off and break the electrical connection- though that person better be grounded or they'll
roast to death right alongside you.
However, remember back to our pitchfork-in-the-gut discussion?
I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt like all the dickens, but taking a red-hot poker to the
gut isn't really going to be immediately fatal.
Also, the fact that it's glowing red hot means its basically cauterizing the massive wound
it makes, dramatically increasing your odds of survival and the amount of time needed
before getting medical attention.
So don't be a quitter like our friend in this clip.
Also, guys, this scene is basically proof that drugs are bad, mm'kay?
Smoking reefer may seem cool and hip but in fact it has terrible and long-term effects
on your body and brain which includes violent electrocution and having a red-hot poker stabbed
into your gut.
The science doesn't lie.
Survival Rule 10: Basic Self Defense (use relevant clips from 1:11:40 to 1:11:55)
Let's talk self-defense for a second.
If someone restrains you from behind like our non-hero Rick in this clip, don't forget
that you have an entire other half of your body available to fight back with.
First, the least you could do in this situation is simply stomp your feet and make it obvious
you're in trouble- you may not be able to shout but you can do your best Riverdance
impression and get people's attention.
Let's keep talking about the feet though, specifically, your attacker's feet.
Maybe you've got the idea to stomp down on your attacker's toes, and force them to let
go.
That's not a bad idea if they're wearing regular sneakers or nothing at all.
Simply bring the heel of your foot down as hard as you can right on their fat little
piggies and after several good whacks they'll either have to let go of you or deal with
multiple crushed toes.
However, there's a better move here- instead of aiming for the toes, aim for the ankles.
Simply raise your leg in front of you and then bring the heel smashing backwards into
the ankle as hard as you can.
Ideally you want to strike it at an angle, rather than head on, and a good ankle strike
can be not just excruciating, but debilitating and could cause your attacker to stumble,
thus dropping both of you to the floor and potentially breaking his grapple.
An even better idea, if you can manage it, is to simply kick backwards like a mule directly
into your attacker's kneecap.
Lift your leg out in front of you again, but this time flatten your foot as you swing it
back and into the knee.
Knees aren't meant to take crushing blows, and a good hit right on the joint can and
will end most fights before they even start.
Also, crushing Jason's toes probably wont' do much to stop him because he's basically
immune to pain, but there's nothing he can do about a wrecked knee he can't physically
walk on.
Lastly, if you've got no other options left to you, simply tilt your head forward and
downwards, and then jerk it upwards and backwards right into your attacker's face.
Jason is wearing a mask, so this won't do much against him, but against a regular attacker
you can easily shatter the nose and deliver a stunning blow.
There's not many people that can take a full-force headbutt to the face, so if the first one
doesn't set you free, just keep at it.
You'll likely ring your own head doing it, but your attacker will be in far worse shape.
Survival Rule 11: Run.
Seriously, just run.
(use clip from 1:13:16 to 1:13:30, and 1:13:33 to 1:14:42)
So your friends have disappeared, your boyfriend whom you were just speaking with minutes ago
has pulled a regular D.B.
Cooper on you, and you just found a bathtub full of very bloody clothing.
What's a girl to do?
Run.
Don't go looking for your dumb boyfriend, don't go exploring- gee whiz, maybe I should
check the creepy old barn out... or maybe I should just lock myself in the house.
Maybe you should just carve yourself up and save Jason the trouble.
Just run.
At the point that all of your friends have gone missing, you've discovered at least one
corpse and a bathtub full of bloody clothing, and now your boyfriend's more MIA than your
dad who left for cigarettes ten years ago, it's time to flee.
Get to a car.
Car won't start?
Get to jogging.
Fun fact: Jason doesn't jog.
Seriously, he may be unstoppable, but he's also... slow.
Don't be an idiot and run into the murder-woods though, just stick to the road and keep going
until you run into people.
Survival Rule12: Maybe Shut Up If You're Trying To Hide (use relevant clips from 1:16:00 to
1:16:41)
First, this scene is in clear violation of Survival Rule 11- don't hide, run.
Let's think about this logically, we can see in the hallway shot that there are a total
of 4 doors in the upstairs area of the house.
There's only one staircase up or down, which Jason is obviously going to be using.
This cabin isn't exactly a labyrinth of options for Jason, he's going to very quickly find
you no matter which door he checks first.
Instead of locking yourself in a closet like an idiot, maybe try one of the bedrooms, shove
the bed against the door, and climb out the window.
Or, if you're going to hide, be smart about it.
Leave the window open and then hide under the bed, to make your attacker think you climbed
out.
But, alright, you're an idiot so you locked yourself in a closet- maybe shut up and don't
scream to immediately give yourself away?
Survival Rule 13: Do Murder Unto Others As They Would Do Murder Unto You (use relevant
clips from 1:17:10 to 1:17:44)
The best way to not get murdered is to out-murder your murderer.
You can quote Infographics on that.
In about the only thing our heroine does right this whole film, she borrows a knife from
her dead friend- hey, she doesn't need it anymore- and then stabs Jason in the hand
with it.
Sadly, she then starts flailing the knife around until finally bringing it down on Jason's
thigh.
In our Survival Rule No. 1 we discussed the importance of making sure that what you kill
actually stays dead.
In this case, all our heroine really did was give Jason a free knife.
Leg wounds may hurt a lot, but they're typically even less fatal than stomach wounds.
Bringing Jason down with a stab to the thigh is great, but this is no time to bail on your
murder like Ted Cruz bailing on Texas for Cancun in the middle of a disaster.
You keep right on murdering, and put that knife somewhere vital- preferably a whole
lot of times.
Survival Rule 14: What Did I Literally Just Say?
(use relevant clips from 1:18:44 to 1:19:00)
Alright, you totally ignored Rule 11 to run away, and decided to be proactive by fighting
back a bit.
If you're stupidly going to do that, at least follow Rule 13 and finish your murder.
A blow to the back of the head is rarely going to be lethal, but after much careful research
scientists have discovered that repeatedly bashing someone's head in with a log until
their skull is a bloody pulp is pretty lethal.
This isn't that one Valentine's night you tried to do something special for your significant
other- it's no time to leave the job half done and everyone completely unsatisfied.
Survival Rule 15: Don't Do The Killer's Job For Him (use relevant clips from 1:21:05 to
1:21:43)
The best way to tell that our heroine royally messed up here is the fact that she tries
to lock Jason out of the barn, and the moment he inevitably gets inside, he locks them both
inside.
We've talked about hiding already (it's generally dumb), but seriously, if you insist on doing
it maybe don't do the killer's job for him by hiding in a place with one exit that he
can easily barricade.
Survival Rule 16: Specially Don't Do This (Use relevant clips from 1:23:02 to 1:23:15)
Hiding was already pretty stupid, but seriously, don't do whatever this was.
But really don't do that only to run screaming at the door you already know is barricaded.
Survival Rule 17: But Do More Of This (use relevant clips from 1:23:58 to 1:24:50)
Finally our heroine is following our survival rules and finishing the murder.
Although to be honest, repeatedly smashing Jason's head in with a shovel would have been
far preferable to this whole setup.
Remember, this is pre-supernatural Jason, he's still regular flesh and blood at this
point.
Whether you're fighting a machete-wielding Jason or just a regular old killer, if you
get the drop on them there's no need to get all extra with your murder.
Just a regular old-fashioned murder will do just fine.
By the way if you know how this movie ends then you already know that Jason himself didn't
follow this rule...
And that's it.
The good guys win, Jason is dead, and nobody ever hears from him again.
What was my favorite kill though?
Sadly, the one that happened off-screen of Shelley.
Seriously, don't ever, ever be that guy, but if you are at least have the decency to die
on-screen.
Now go learn how to die less by watching You Vs Jason Voorhees, or click this other video
instead!