- I was walking down the street once
and this dude hung out his car window and he was like,
"Toot toot, beep beep!" (audience laughing)
He was like, "Let me see them toes."
And I was like, "Is that Quintin Tarantino?"
I was like...
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
Baby...
Give it up for the microphone guy.
Where's the microphone, man?
Clap it up for him.
(audience cheering)
Microphone, man, what's your name?
What's his name?
- [Woman] Radet. - Radet?
Okay. You mixed?
You got a Black mom or...
(audience laughing)
You got an aunt?
Ah, can we give it up for...
clap it up for friends?
Clap it up for friendship, right? (audience applauds)
Friends who bring you things
that you need when you need it, right?
Sometimes it's a tampon.
Sometimes it's some drugs.
Sometimes it's like advice that you don't want to hear.
I had a friend give me some edibles the other day
and she was like, "Marie, this is strong.
Don't eat the whole thing."
And the way she said it, I was like, "Is this crack?"
And she was like, "No, it's weed."
But she was like, "Don't eat the whole cookie,
or you going to be high for several days."
And I was like, "Several days?
The way my schedule is currently set up,
I don't have several days."
But then I was like, "Mhh, yes I do. (audience applauds)
I have time to be high.
I don't have anything else to do."
But I didn't take it, I was like, "You know what?
I'm going to save this edible for church."
(audience laughing)
Okay, because she's a Christian. (Marie chuckles nervously)
And we all know the higher you are the closer to God, amen?
(audience applauds)
(audience applauds) (Marie chuckles)
So I didn't take it.
I set the cookie down and I went out
and then a couple of days later I came home
and there was a big ass hole in the cookie.
And I was like, "Somebody been eating my snacks!"
And then I looked at my bed
and there were a little footprints in my bed.
And I was like, "Somebody sleeping in my bed."
(audience laughing)
And then I heard tap, tap, tap, tap, tap behind me.
And I turned around and slow motion 'cause I'm dramatic,
I was like...
(audience laughing)
And there was a squirrel on my stove waving at me.
I was like, "Oh, this is nigga is high." (audience laughing)
But I wasn't so I screamed, right?
Because I know what a squirrel is.
It's just the rat in a cute coat.
I was like... (audience laughing)
I screamed, right.
I hit all the notes that Mariah Carey
be missing on New Year's Eve, I scream. (audience gasps)
Oh, a lot of Mariah Carey fans in here?
Okay. Shout out to this white man in the back, hey!
Come on, Dale, you a lamb? (audience laughing)
Ooh, okay.
(tongue clicking) She's a superstar.
What the hell was I just talking about?
Oh, okay, so... (audience laughing)
(Marie laughs)
So, I started screaming and this squirrel freaked out
and he fell into my sink where I had several things soaking,
so he immediately started to drown, right?
And I'm not about to save this squirrel, I can't swim!
So I'm watching him.
(audience laughing)
"Alexa, how do you save a drowning squirrel in a sink?"
She didn't know.
Do you guys really think that they're listening
to us on all our devices? - [Audience] Yes.
- You guys think they were watching us
on our laptop cameras? - [Audience] Yes.
- You guys got tape on your laptop cameras?
- [Audience] Yes.
(tongue clicking) - I don't.
I'd be doing full splits in front of my laptop.
Butt naked, I'll be like, "Who clocked in today?
Jeff?" (audience laughing)
Just WAP. (Marie laughing)
(audience laughing)
Who do you think is watching you?
And you think they're watching everybody?
There's no way they're watching everybody.
Some of y'all got HP laptops, they...
They are not watching Hewlett-Packard people, no.
They don't care what poor people are doing.
They know what poor people are doing.
You're crying.
You getting high with the squirrel in your house.
(audience laughing) (Marie laughing)
I used to live in LA and LA has cute edibles.
(tongue clicking) They got cookies, they got gummies.
They got weed tea.
Whew...
Anyway, when I lived in LA, I would walk everywhere
because I am a New Yorker, that's what we do here.
And in LA that's where to them.
When they see you walking in LA, they freak out.
Like I would be walking down the street
and people would be in their cars like,
"What are you doing?"
And I'd be like, "I'm walking into the store."
And they'd be like, "Why?!"
I was walking down the street once
and this dude hung out his car window and he was like,
"Toot toot, beep beep!" (audience laughing)
He was like, "Let me see them toes."
And I was like, "Is that Quintin Tarantino?"
I was like... (audience laughing)
I was like, "Oh, okay,
I should have lotioned my toes this morning."
He drove away.
You wanna know why I do comedy?
I don't know why I do comedy.
I've been fired from every job I've ever had
and I can't get fired from this because I am my own boss,
so that's why I'm still here.
But it's like, am I a comedian, you know?
There's a pandemic happening right now.
I'm not really performing.
People have always told me that I'm funny.
And the first person to tell me, I should be a comedian
was my guidance counselor in high school.
So she told me to do it, I never did it.
But every time I went somewhere
or like I was doing something,
people would be like, "You should do comedy."
And I was like, "Should I model?"
And they were like, "No, comedy."
And it was like, "Okay."
I think for me the best part is when I say something
that like I just make up while I'm standing there
and it gets a really big laugh and like, "Ah!"
Or, you know, you have like a bad show
or you tell a joke that doesn't land
and it's just like crickets.
The silence is so loud when you're having a bad set.
But when you're doing well,
it's loud in a completely different way.
We love it.
(audience laughing)
So I was walking in LA and I had to go to Rite Aid
to pick up some toilet paper.
You know, back when toilet paper was affordable.
Before you needed to take out
a small business loan to wipe your ass.
So are, y'all not buying toilet tissue in here.
It's like, it's gone up like 300%.
To wipe your bu...
Okay, nobody's wiping their butts in here?
(audience laughing)
So I went to Rite Aid, I got some toilet paper,
and I don't know if you guys have noticed,
but I have a beautiful smile.
(audience laughing) (Marie laughs)
So I smile at people not because I'm nice,
but because I'm showing you
that my teeth are better than you. (Marie laughs)
Okay, a lot of gaps in the audience tonight, so...
A lot of underbites tonight.
So I was coming out of this Rite Aid
and I smiled at this homeless man,
because I was like I'm not gonna give him no money,
but a smile is free, right?
So I smiled at this homeless man and he lifted his shirt
and dropped his pants and she started waving his naked...
It was a Tiktok dance, he was like...
(audience laughing)
And I was like, "Ew, that's so nasty,
and thick and nasty!"
I was like, "Oh, my, it's so dirty," right, so...
(Marie chuckles)
So I'm like Hansel and Gretel,
I can only go the way that I came.
So I was like, well, this is the way
that I came to the store,
so this is the way I have to go home.
And this homeless dude, you know, he steps out of his pants
and just started sprinting toward me.
And I was like, "Well, there's no way he's going
to touch my body with his body.
He's poor, right?"
So he's running and at the last...
I was like, "Well, one of us is gonna have
to move to the side, it ain't going to be me!"
And at the last second it was me 'cause I was like,
"Oh, he's not gonna... (tongue clicking)
He ran by me.
And then this homeless guy just starts chasing me
in the parking lot of this Rite Aid
in the middle of the day.
And I was like, "Well, one of us is going to get...
I'm going to run until one of us gets tired."
I got tired first.
It's the middle of the day cars are coming
in and out of this Rite aid parking lot,
and people are like, "Her boyfriend looks furious today?"
I'm like, "This is not my man."
They're like, "Yeah, sis, it's reclaim yourself."
I was like, "I don't know him."
They were like, "Uh huh, no, you don't!"
I was like, "Somebody, please help me."
And they're like, "You better help yourself from within."
I hate LA! (audience laughing)
You better help yourself from within.
Finally a car pulls up between us.
It was a Mitsubishi Eclipse.
I was like, "Is this the car that saves me?"
I said, "Ain't no Range Rovers coming in here?
No G Wagons."
So I reached for the handle, the door's locked.
The driver's like, "Oh, you trying to get in my car."
I was like, "Open the door."
The homeless man is coming around the car.
I get in, soon as I sit down, all you see is penis
on the passenger window, just... (Marie puffs loudly)
And he is moving that thing, just...
(Marie imitates squeaking glass)
(audience laughing)
You know like the sound that your naked body makes
in the shower when you're like... (imitates skidding sound)
Like that's what his dick was doing
to this poor man's window.
And I know he was poor
because it wasn't Mitsubishi Eclipse, and...
(audience laughing)
I was like, I got to go back to New York
where the homeless people are respectful, you know?
They not going to pull their dick out
until you fall asleep on the train. (audience laughing)
And then they just tap it right on your forehead, just...
(microphone bonks)
(audience laughing)
(microphone bonks) (audience laughing)
You just end up with a nice penis glaze on your baby hairs.
(Marie laughs) (audience laughing)
That's not really how I want it to finish, but...
(audience laughing)
That's how I finished.
Anyway, thank you guys so much.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)