- Hi, everyone.
Anna Runkle here, also known as The Crappy Childhood Fairy.
Have you ever been to a hotel
where there's a person who's there
to carry your bags for you?
And even though you didn't ask,
they carry your bags to the room and it's totally awkward,
and you think, "I'm supposed to give them a tip, right?
I've seen this on TV," but you don't have cash.
And they're just standing there and you think,
"What do I do? What do I say?"
And instead of saying anything, you just say, "Okay, bye."
And then you shut the door.
And then you feel like a real a-hole.
Or maybe you're the person who carried the bags
and you're not really supposed to ask for the tip.
And there's some right amount of time
to just stand there, waiting for it,
but if you have childhood PTSD,
and you're vulnerable to feeling shame,
and you're getting all dysregulated over this,
just like the person who's supposed to give you the tip,
and then you get the door shut in your face.
Well, now we've got two people on either side of the door,
just flooding with shame and they're not able to say a word.
And this kind of awkwardness happens all the time
for those of us who experienced trauma in childhood.
The shame we feel in awkward social situations
makes us collapse inside.
And we wanna flee the interaction and isolate.
This is my third video in the isolation series.
And it's all about social awkwardness
and how to navigate it.
So we can more gracefully handle awkward situations
and avoid the need to isolate.
Now, social awkwardness doesn't always go hand in hand
with childhood PTSD and complex PTSD,
but early trauma puts such a huge dent in our confidence
and family homes, where there was abuse or neglect
or drugs or grinding poverty
are not usually the greatest places
to learn how to handle yourself with other people.
So a lot of us end up having no idea how to act
in challenging situations.
Things like, when you're in a formal environment
or you've been accused of something you didn't do,
or you happen to be in a room with someone famous,
or you win a prize or you lose a prize
and you're expected to congratulate the winner.
Or when a family member says something really offensive.
These stuff can be so fraught for us, with childhood PTSD.
And so many of us never get taught, how you do this?
How do you deal with awkward situations, gracefully,
without shutting down or making a scene?
And so this is one more reason why people with early trauma
have such a tendency to isolate,
to withdraw from connection and relationships with people,
even though they long for those things.
It's one of the worst consequences of childhood PTSD.
And if you don't turn it around,
you could end up going deeper into isolation.
And whatever dodgy personality traits you may already have.
We all have some, right?
Isolation is only gonna make them worse.
Now, remember, isolation is not the same
as periods of constructive solitude.
Solitude can be calming
but ongoing isolation makes us deteriorate.
We get weird.
It's really important to break this cycle
and learn again how to reconnect.
Now, personally, I grew up with educated parents
who themselves had been raised
by polite and conscientious parents.
And I learned to say, please and thank you, and all that.
But because there was alcoholism,
there was not a lot of attention or supervision
given to us kids.
And we were inconsistently disciplined
and we were rarely called out for rude and selfish behavior.
I also was missing a lot of the
just basic skills of social behavior.
I was 12 years old when I taught myself
to use a knife and a fork together.
Until that time, I had a more intuitive way of eating,
if you could call it that.
That usually involved scooping up food
with a spoon or a fork in my hand,
and then tipping my head back while I chewed it.
So it didn't fall out while I chewed with my mouth open
and all the siblings did it.
And it was all we knew, no one minded.
And it was only when I started
to feel shame about my manners
when I was at other people's homes,
that I tried to figure out how you're supposed to do this.
Being neglected can bring out some ugly traits.
The seriousness of drug and alcohol problems
in the family kept us all tangled up in chaos.
And in that situation,
a kid kind of has to be selfish to get by.
If you're not getting attention and praise sometimes,
you might start to show off to other people.
I know I did.
If you don't get treated fairly,
you might become kind of pushy to get what you want,
or arrogant or sharp tongued or dismissive of others.
And if you're not cared for when you're sick
or your feelings are hurt,
you might start talking about these hardships
to anyone who will listen, like too much.
So how can we teach ourselves to be more socially graceful?
I used to read etiquette books,
but if they're written by people from normal families,
they kind of skip over that very elementary part
that I actually need.
I'm just like, how do you even begin?
My parents were pretty decent people then despite the chaos.
But I got very little guidance on how to be.
And so starting in my teens,
I sought out and connected with socially graceful people.
And I wasn't usually courageous enough to ask for help
but I watched them.
I listened to what to say.
When is it appropriate to speak up?
When should I pull back?
And what I've learned has helped me to be less isolated
and helped me not be limited to the company
of only other screwed up people.
And more flexible to hang out
with just about any kind of person.
And that's what social grace is.
It's having the choice to connect
with a wide variety of people,
wherever you care to be.
And remember, social grace doesn't mean you tolerate abuse
and that you stand there just like helplessly,
when you're in danger.
These guiding principles will help you
to create a feeling of ease
and welcome with people around you,
when you want that with them.
And that will allow your connection to blossom.
I'm gonna give you some guiding principles
that will help you create a feeling of ease and welcome
with the people around you
and to create the opportunity
for more connection to blossom.
And here they are.
First, be gentle with other people.
Remember, that they may be as sensitive as you are.
Second, be trustworthy.
People need to feel safe to grow closer to you or anyone.
And third, be humble.
Help others feel your respect for them
by keeping at least half the focus on what they're saying
and how they're feeling.
Really, paying attention to others
not only makes them feel heard,
but it will help you learn
to genuinely appreciate who they are.
When you're in a social situation,
even as the many colors of your personality
start to shine much brighter,
the art of being gentle, trustworthy and humble,
will create a positive environment for connection to grow.
You will find doors
opening for you, socially, all around you.
And into your life, will come other
socially graceful people,
whose company will feel so much kinder
and easier and more supportive than anything you ever had.
Now, if you'd like to learn more
about healing your urge to isolate,
you'll find links to my courses
and some free resources in the links below.
And next week, I'll have one more video about isolation
and that one is about boundaries.
So I'll see you there.
(gentle bright music)