Brett Kavanaugh,
the newest member of the Supreme Court
and the only justice to be sponsored by Bud Lite.
Now, you probably remember this,
but Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court confirmation was one
of the most contentious in American history.
He faced multiple accusations of inappropriate behavior,
including drunken misconduct and sexual assault.
But after he was cleared by the FBI,
he managed to get just enough Senate votes
to be confirmed to the Supreme Court.
But now, a year later,
the New York Times has dropped a bombshell story
that has put Kavanaugh back in the spotlight.
WOMAN: Tonight, new questions about a new report,
another sexual assault allegation
against Justice Brett Kavanaugh,
this one reportedly never pursued by the FBI.
The New York Times publishing
the previously unreported account of Max Stier,
one of Kavanaugh's former Yale classmates.
MAN: Kavanaugh's former Yale classmate told senators
and the FBI that he "saw Mr. Kavanaugh
with his pants down at a... drunken dorm party..."
where friends pushed his genitals
onto a female student.
-Goddamn! -(audience murmuring, groaning)
Every high school story,
or every college story we hear about Brett Kavanaugh
just makes him seem worse and worse.
And it's always something about him exposing himself.
He's lucky that Mike Pence horse wasn't around
during his college career, 'cause...
'cause you see what they do to carrots, y'all!
(laughter)
And you know, when you hear stories like this,
it's hard to believe
that someone like that could ever go on to the Supreme Court.
It must be even harder for people, uh,
who actually went to school with Kavanaugh.
Can you imagine their conversations?
Just like, "Whatever happened to Balls-Out Brett?"
And it's like, "Actually,
it's Justice Balls-Out Brett now."
(laughter)
Now, here's the thing.
This story is messy, right,
and what makes it messy is that the woman
who this allegedly happened to says
she doesn't remember any of this happening.
But the guy who says he saw it says
that she was so drunk at the time,
he's not surprised that she can't remember it.
And we may never know for sure what happened that night,
especially since the FBI never even investigated it,
which may seem like a surprise to some people,
but according to the New York Times,
the FBI didn't look into a lot
of the accusations against Kavanaugh.
WOMAN: The incident echoes a similar
but separate allegations made by Deborah Ramirez,
who came forward last year accusing Kavanaugh
of exposing himself to her at a Yale party.
WOMAN 2: In his denial, Kavanaugh claimed
that had the incident happened,
it would have been the talk of campus.
Now the New York Times is reporting on evidence
that it was the talk of campus.
Per the Times, "At least seven people...
"heard about the Yale incident
long before Kavanaugh was a federal judge."
WOMAN 3: "Ms. Ramirez's legal team gave the FBI a list
"of at least 25 individuals
"who may have had corroborating evidence.
But the bureau... interviewed none of them."
Man, this story just keeps getting more and more strange.
The FBI ignored 25 former Yale students
who could have given evidence?
That's insane.
'Cause I didn't know the police also ignored white people.
-That's some crazy shit. -(laughter)
Yale and the Bronx? Who would have known?
Now, in the FBI's defense,
the reason they didn't interview these potential witnesses
was because the White House reportedly told the FBI
that when it came to Kavanaugh and the accusations,
they were only allowed to interview 11 specific people
and no one else.
Yeah.
Which is not something you do
when you're confident in someone's innocence.
Right? You'd just be like, "Interview anyone."
But here you're like, "Ah, just them, just them."
Yeah. It's like Jeffrey Epstein saying,
"I have nothing to hide. Look anywhere.
"Except the sex dungeon, don't look in the sex dungeon, yeah.
"And Pedophile Island, don't look there, don't look there.
But anywhere else, anywhere else."
And by the way, if these stories are true,
why the hell was Kavanaugh
constantly whipping his dick out at parties?
Can we ask that question?
No, like, just, like, every single story.
He's doing it at high school parties.
He's accused of doing it at a college party.
I'm starting to wonder if Kavanaugh even understands
what parties are.
Like, does he just show up to his grandma's birthday party,
"Happy 90th, Nana!"
-It's like, "No, Brett! -(laughter)
"No!
We said bring your famous dip."
(laughter)
(whooping, applause)
I mean...
If it's true... if it's true, it would explain
why Kavanaugh wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice.
-He gets to wear a robe all day. It's just... -(laughter)
Yeah, it's easy access.
The job he should have is astronaut.
'Cause you whip out your dick there,
it just freezes and shatters. Bam!
Although, it would be a disaster
if he was the first human to meet aliens,
'cause they'd be like, "Hello, humans.
Please join us at our welcome party."
-"Did someone say party?" -"No...!"
(laughter)
Now, as has become normal in the age of Trump,
reactions to this story have become as partisan
as everything else is right now.
NEWSWOMAN: This new report,
prompting Democratic candidates for president
to call for Kavanaugh's impeachment.
Senator Kamala Harris,
who serves on the Senate Judiciary Committee,
tweeting:
Republicans saying Democrats need to move on.
There's nobody they don't want to impeach,
and at some point they just have to let the anger go.
"Yeah, at some point you just got to let the anger go.
"Donald Trump said my wife was ugly and my dad killed JFK,
"and now I go on TV to support him.
(sobbing): And I'm perfectly happy..."
(laughter)
Oh, and speaking of Trump,
the president is also weighing in on the Kavanaugh news,
and there's no prize for guessing which side he's on.
NEWSWOMAN: President Trump also coming to Kavanaugh's defense,
tweeting:
The Justice Department should come to his rescue?
What?
I feel like Trump doesn't really understand
how the government works.
Yeah, he just acts like the Justice Department
is his own personal emergency line.
He's just (like Trump): "Hello, Justice Department?
There's a monster under my bed. Come quick!"
It's like, "No, Dad, it's me, Eric."
(like Trump): "Even worse. Come quicker!"