Most people have never had to deal with a custody evaluation and here it is
right in front of you. How do you prepare? I've got some experience and I'll share
those specific tips with you today.
I've got 5 tips for you. This comes from my experience working as a child
custody evaluator. I think some of you viewers will know this if you've watched
the channel a little bit. I did this for probably 12 ,13 years where I was
appointed by the court to go into a family, where there was a divorce
occurring and figure out what needed to happen for the kids. I would make
recommendations to the judge and the judge would decide. Now, if you can avoid
getting into that whole litigation system, highly recommend it. We've done
another video recently on some strategies for child custody mediation.
Look for that video here on the channel and if you can go that route, it's so much
better because the evaluation process tends to be very disruptive. It can get
very lengthy. Typically, when I was doing these child custody evaluations, we would
plan on about 3 to 4 months of a process that we would go through to
evaluate both homes, both parents, all of the kids, compile all that information
back into a report that would go to the judge, That takes a little while to do
but I have heard of cases that have taken sometimes a year or longer to
resolve once it gets into a child custody evaluation. So this is not an
insignificant event and it's something you want to be prepared for and that you
can approach in a way that's going to serve you and your family the best. So,
I've got 5 tips for you today. Coming from an old child custody evaluator
here's what I'm thinking. Tip number 1, "get yourself into a good place". Mentally,
physically, psychologically, you need to be in a good place.
Now let's look at different aspects of that. Mentally - divorce, child custody
proceedings, this is hard and it takes a toll on people. So you're going to need
to take care of yourself in a lot of ways. You want to make sure you get
enough exercise, you're getting enough sleep, that you're eating a balanced diet.
It's really easy during these stressful times to let all of that stuff go. This
is not going to serve you well for a lot of the obvious reasons but also, in terms
of child custody. Think about my position as an evaluator. I got to figure out
what's going to be best for these kids. If I've got a parent who is so strung out
and wiped out and clobbered, can I trust them really to show up and take care of
these kids well? You got to get yourself into a good place.
Psychologically, I've said this so many times and I know it might irritate some
of you but just listen for a minute. Divorce brings out the worst in people
and you are not immune from this. Probably, it's going to do the same to
you and there's a lot of reasons why that happens. Psychologically, you are
responsible for how you show up and if you show up is this bitter, angry
divorcing person, that's not going to impress anyone and as an evaluator I
have some real concerns about that because people get so caught up in their
own issues that they can't see the children's issues. You've got to be in a
good place. Physically and and I mean more than just
your fitness in your physical health. I mean where do you live? Do you have
accommodations for these children that are appropriate and enriched and provide
for the needs that the child has? This is no small task because financially or
economically, you might be in a position right now where you can't get into the
kind of home that you ideally would like to have. Yeah I get that.
Also, you need to understand that if you're living in a mini van down by the
river, probably that's not going to impress the evaluator. So you got to get
yourself in a good place. Everything that that means. Mentally, emotionally,
spiritually, physically, in terms of your living quarters. Get yourself into a good
place. That is number one for a reason. Pay some attention to that. Okay, here's
tip number 2 - "become familiar with the rules and the laws" regarding child
custody in your jurisdiction. You don't have to become a judge or an attorney.
I'm not saying you have to know the law to that level but you need to understand
what the context is that you're up against. My practice is in Utah as I
worked in the Utah court system. I had to know as an evaluator, I had to know a law.
It's a rule, it's in the judicial rules of administration. It's called rule 4903.
Rule 4903 dictates how the courts have to handle a child custody matter. What
the judge has to consider for example before he makes a ruling on child
custody. Rule 4903 is something that guided my efforts as an evaluator
because I had to answer in my report each of the points that are listed in
that rule. This is why it's so important to know the rules for your particular
jurisdiction. Talk to an attorney who is familiar with family law, you
probably already have one if you're getting into a child custody evaluation.
If you don't have one, I highly recommend that you consult with or hire an
attorney. This is something that you don't want to do on your own, although in
most states you have the right to represent yourself, that's not always the
best idea. It's kind of like dentistry. I believe that we should get the
professionals involved to get the best outcomes. Consult with an attorney. At the
very least go to a legal library somewhere and do little research on what
the rules and the laws are regarding child custody in your jurisdiction you
need to know this. This is your playing field. Now, let's get a little more
psychological. For tip number 3, let me set this up
by explaining a dynamic that happens often in a child custody matter. This is
something I actually got kind of tired of and I know that the judges do too.
They tire of this. If a judge is working all day long and she gets another case
that says, "oh my gosh, this parent is being so evil and bad." She's going to roll
her eyes and say, "oh, here we go again." The tip... Tip number 3 is - "don't get
sucked into the good parent/bad parent fight. This is not about proving that the
other parent is bad or evil. Now I know, you're probably thinking right now, "oh,
but in my case that... Yeah, I know. Everybody's got a special case. But as a
professional, I can tell you that evaluators and judges get sick and tired
of that fight, that dynamic. Here's the bottom line.
Good people end up divorcing. Have you noticed that? But one reason divorce
brings out the worst in people is because of a psychological switch that
happens in people's mind. It's called "cognitive dissonance:. We even have a word
for it in psychology. Cognitive dissonance is when what you believe and
what you experience aren't matching and so you have to make an adjustment and
usually it's easier to adjust your belief about something. Here's where the
dissonance happens. Psychologically, it's not okay for me to be divorced from a
really awesome person. So my mind switches it all up. Now I'm divorced from
an evil, nasty, horrible, awful person. Oh that's okay. See that resolves the
cognitive dissonance in my mind. Problem is, now I'm treating that person as a bad,
evil, horrible, negative, master manipulator, spawn of Satan kind of a
person. Alright, I've actually heard those terms okay and
I just have to chuckle a little bit inside because I'm like - "oh, they got
sucked into it, didn't they?" Yeah they did. Don't get sucked in.
Now having said that, you will. You'll get sucked in. You will get sucked in and the
court is a terrible place to solve family problems. I say that with all due
respect to the amazing judicial system that we have. But it's set up in an
adversarial way which means it's me against you and who's right instead of
what's right and you will get sucked into this because you'll feel like you
need to go in there and represent yourself as the good parent and that
other person is the bad one and it's going to irritate and annoy the
professionals that you're working with.Be aware of that. It's much better for
you to go into this, with some compassion and kindness and empathy. Acknowledge
that yeah, we got divorced. We went separate directions. We don't agree on
things but that person really is a good parent, is a good person and honestly,
that other parent loves your children, okay? I can say that with a whole lot of
confidence knowing that there are some exceptions and please don't blow up my
comments with "well, I'm a special case." Just understand that the vast majority
of parents out there who are involved in a custody litigation, love their kids.
They want to do the right thing and your ex is probably a good person
who has love for your children. Okay, now don't argue with me on that just
consider it. Okay, now we're going to go to tip number 4 and here it is. You
know what, as I say this when I'm thinking, "well, duh!" But I have to say it
because people don't actually consider this when they get into a highly
contested custody situation. Here it is. Be truthful and honest and transparent
and kind. There you go. Do we need to talk about this? Do not lie. It's going to come
back and bite you. You be truthful and honest about everything and don't try to
represent yourself as something that you're not. We'll see through that too. I
always did extensive psychological testing on both parents.
And by the time I get through my psychological test battery and all the
observations and all the collateral interviews, I get a pretty good sense for
who this person is. What they're like. Don't try to represent yourself as this,
when you're that, okay? Just be honest. Own who you are and where you are and what's
up for you in your life. You've got weaknesses. I know that as an evaluator,
as a psychologist, I know. But people are hesitant to share those things or to
acknowledge those things because - "ooh that might put me in a bad light with
the custody evaluator of the court." Yeah, it might but it's better to be honest
than it is to falsely represent yourself in a way that's going to come back and bite
you later. Now I also said transparency. Don't try
to hide stuff, we'll find it. I know I'm not like you know, the FBI or
the CIA and I've got all these investigative skills, no. I'm just a
psychologist who has some insights and intuitions that come from years of
clinical practice. When you get in with a custody evaluator, they're going to be able
to see through a lot of superficial phony stuff. So just be transparent. It's
better to go in and say, "hey, you know, I've got some issues with this. Here's
what I'm doing to work on them." And then be kind. Last thing I want to hear is a
custody evaluators, all the bad stuff about the other parent. I know that
you've got some concerns and those need to be represented in some way. I get that.
Do it with kindness and share it as a concern and not an accusation. Get some
coaching if you need to so that you can handle this thing with diplomacy. That's
going to go a whole lot farther for you than the bitter, angry, vitriolic stuff
that all of the professionals involved they're sick and tired of hearing anyway.
So you be kind, transparent, honest and truthful. That's tip number 4. Now tip
number 5 and I've saved this one till last,
it probably should go first because this is the whole reason we're here in the
first place. Here's tip number 5 - "you keep the child's interest
as the primary concern". We have to focus on the interests of the children. As an
evaluator, that's my charge. From the courts perspective, they have to take
care of everyone's rights to a certain extent but the children are the primary
focus for that judge, for the evaluator, for the professionals who are involved,
they want to do the right thing by the kids. So if your focus is there too,
sometimes you got to swallow hard and say, "you know what, everything that I want
is simply what I want. What's best for my kids". And honestly, it might be best for
your kids to spend a little more time with their other parent, it might be. Be
open to that. Let's get out of the anxiety and fear of - "oh, I'm going to lose
time or I'll have fewer days" or whatever. Stop counting days and start looking at
your kids and what they need. Especially as kids get a little older, what we want
as parents is not often what's in their best interest and if we're counting days,
we might not be paying attention to what their needs are as much. That's tip
number 5. You stay focused on those kids. The interest of the children is of
paramount importance here. Hey, you keep those things in mind. You're going to do
just fine, manage your own anxiety around this and if some of the other videos
here can help you with that, please get connected.
I saw standing in the street