( APPLAUSE )
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!
♪ ♪ ♪
JON-- >> Jon: AAAH!
>> Stephen: JON, WE'VE GOT A GREAT-- WE HAVE AMAZING GUESTS
TONIGHT.
THE WE HAVE BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA FROM THE BOOK
"PERIL."
I CAN'T WAIT.
I-- I-- I JUST-- SPOILER: DON'T TELL ME HOW DEMOCRACY ENDS.
NOW, IT'S A GREAT BOOK, THOUGH, VERY ENJOYABLE.
"ENJOYABLE" IS NOT THE RIGHT WORD.
GRIPPING, I CALL IT A GRIPPING READ.
I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH IT, BUT IT'S PRETTY UPSETTING.
JON, IT WAS LOVELY TO SEE YOU OUT AT THE EMMYS.
>> Jon: YES, YES.
>> Stephen: YOU AND OUR GUESTS TONIGHT--
>> Jon: GOOD TO BE THERE.
>> Stephen: YOU AND OUR MUSICAL GUEST TONIGHT LEON
BRIDGES DID A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF HIS SONG.
THE NAME OF THE SONG IS AGAIN?
>> Jon: "RIVER."
>> Stephen: "RIVER" FOR ITS IMMEMORIUM REEL.
I WAS PROUD TO SEE YOU UP THERE.
IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE.
( APPLAUSE )
OVER THERE CAREFULLY ASSEMBLING THE MOST TOPICAL VIRTUOSO WIND
SECTION, TUNING THE VIOLAS, CELLOS, AND CONTRABASS TO THE
COUNTRY'S ZEITGEIST, AND WAVING MY CONDUCTOR'S BATON IN THE
TEMPO OF HUMOR TO PRESENT FOR YOU THE SPECTACULAR BRAHMS
CONCERTO IN SATIRE MAJOR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN A FUGUE STATE BEHIND THE ABANDONED
VIDEO STORE, STEAL A GARBAGE CAN LID AND A BROKEN UMBRELLA
HANDLE, THEN GRAB AN EMPTY CAN OF P.B.R. I'VE BEEN USING AS AN
ASHTRAY TO FASHION A RUSTED KAZOO, ALL TO CREATE THE
2-IN-THE-MORNING ONE-MAN-STOMP SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "MEANWHILE!"
>> Stephen: IT'S A SHOT IN THE ARM IS WHAT IT IS.
IT'S A SHOT IN THE ARM TO A WEARY NATION.
MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND EVIDENCE OF HUMANS MAKING
CLOTHES 120,000 YEARS AGO, WHICH MEANS WE CAN FINALLY DATE THE
FIRST-EVER "WHO WORE IT BEST."
MEANWHILE, AFTER SEVERAL ACCIDENTS WHILE ON AUTOPILOT,
SOME TESLA OWNERS ARE LOSING TRUST IN ELON MUSK'S PROMISES OF
"FULL SELF-DRIVING," WHICH IS EMBARRASSING FOR MUSK, WHO
HAS PUBLICLY BRAGGED, "IF YOU BUY A CAR THAT DOES NOT HAVE THE
HARDWARE NECESSARY FOR FULL SELF-DRIVING, IT IS LIKE BUYING
A HORSE."
AND A TESLA IS NOTHING LIKE A HORSE, BECAUSE A HORSE CAN MOVE
ON ITS OWN WITHOUT CRASHING INTO A SUNGLASS HUT.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH POTHOLES PLANTED A BANANA TREE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT HEADLINE TO END WITH FLORIDA MAN DOING GENEROUS
PUBLIC WORKS.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, "FLORIDA MAN FED UP WITH POTHOLES FILLS
IT WITH EX-WIFE'S PHOTOS AND DEFROSTED CHICKEN WINGS BEFORE
SETTING IT ON FIRE WITH HAIRSPRAY."
( APPLAUSE )
FLORIDA MAN.
MEANWHILE, AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND, IS CURRENTLY UNDER
LOCKDOWN WITH FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS CLOSED, AND YET,
NEW ZEALAND COPS HAVE ARRESTED MEN ENTERING THE LOCKED-DOWN
CITY WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF ILLICIT K.F.C.
OH, NEW ZEALAND!
THAT'S WHAT COUNTS AS ILLICIT FOR YOU?
IN AMERICA, WE GOT METH-HEADS GETTING BUSTED FOR COOKING
VIAGRA BATH SALTS.
( LAUGHTER )
TERRIFYING BONER YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE.
( LAUGHTER )
BANDITS WERE ATTEMPTING TO SMUGGLE IN THREE BUCKETS OF
CHICKEN, A BIG STASH OF FRIES, AND TEN TUBS OF COLESLAW.
TEN TUBS OF COLESLAW?!
ARREST THEM FOR THAT!
WHO LOOKS AT MAC AND CHEESE AND MASHED POTATOES AND SAYS, "EH,
YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD GO FOR?
WET CABBAGE."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BOB WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA.