- Sometimes my partner just makes this face
and I know he's judging me.
Or when he comes home really late
and I know he's been stalling so that he wouldn't have to
help out at bedtime.
Or when I've asked him repeatedly to do something
and he doesn't do it,
and I just know it's because he doesn't really care about
me and my priorities.
Many of us have a default way of operating
on a guilty until proven innocent mindset.
And it's not our fault.
Our culture attributes all sorts of ill intentions
to inappropriate situations like
when we call two-year-olds terrible
because they have tantrums.
Even though that's not coming from ill intent,
it's simply childhood development.
Or when we think our kids are doing things on purpose,
or like they're trying to push our buttons.
And not realizing that when people
are giving us a hard time
it's because they are having a hard time.
This slippery slope here is that we tend to
have the same mindset around other adults,
our partners in particular.
As though they are trying to sabotage us,
or they don't really care about our needs,
or that they're just plain lazy.
Attributing all sorts of ill intent,
and making these assumptions about our partners
can be the undoing of our marriages and partnerships.
The truth is there's a name for this.
It's considered a cognitive fallacy
and it's called the jumping to conclusions bias.
And I quote, "Jumping to conclusions is a psychological term
referring to a communication obstacle
where one judges or decides something
without having all the facts."
In my recent E-book that I shared with you all,
I shared 10 zen secrets of persuasion I called them,
right, different laws that we can use,
and that I've used to improve my communication skills
especially within my marriage.
Those are the skills that are really helping me
to improve our communication.
But another thing that is absolutely crucial,
another law if you like,
is the law of going second.
The law of going second states that
when we have some story about our partner,
we let them share their story first.
When we go first, we often assume that we know
our partner's motives.
And more often than not, I get that wrong.
I often forget to extend my partner
the same benefit of the doubt that I would like,
or that I'm trying to extend towards my children,
seeing their behaviors as an expression of unmet needs.
And just as we do with children,
we can easily miss assign those bad intentions
to our partners as well.
Seeing certain behaviors as doing something to us,
and it's just because of our frame of mind.
Just this morning I was so annoyed with my partner
because he was staying in bed
while I was running around, getting the kids ready,
packing up lunches, and giving them breakfast,
and cleaning up.
And I was wondering, like, where is he?
Why isn't he getting up?
And my first assumption wasn't very kind.
It was, oh, he's being lazy.
He thinks his sleep is more important than
helping me out.
And when my partner finally did emerge,
I just held my tongue to apply this law of going second.
And I kinda gave him a quizzical look like,
what's going on?
And it turns out he wasn't feeling well.
He was trying to get up and come and help
'cause he wanted to help out,
but he was in a lot of pain and he wasn't well.
So I was saved by this law this morning
because instead of making ill assumptions around him
or accusing him of something,
I was able to just pause for a moment,
give him the benefit of the doubt,
let him go first, and as soon as I heard that story,
of course it completely changed my frame of mind
around how I was interpreting this situation.
I was giving it the wrong interpretation.
And so we saved ourselves a lot of conflict
and bad vibes between us.
Because of the innocent until proven guilty mindset,
we're able to constantly extend benefits of the doubt
assuming that everybody around us is doing
the best they can with what they have.
And if you do feel like you have to share
your assumptions like,
oh, this is what I think is happening here,
remember the incredibly brilliant quote and prompt
from the incredibly brilliant Brene Brown
who shares this way of phrasing it, which is:
the story I'm telling myself is that.
So not "this is the truth", or "this is why you did this",
or "I know you're trying to" blah blah blah.
Not "I know."
I'm telling myself a certain story.
The story I'm telling myself is that
you were being lazy in bed while I was
working for all the kids.
I know that's not the whole story,
can you help me see your side of it?
Can you help me understand a different side of this story?
So it's owning that we're just telling ourselves
stories all the time.
And we realize that the story we're telling
ourselves right now may not be the kindest,
or most helpful or productive story,
and we're inviting our partners to set the record straight,
and to set us straight.
So ask your partner to set you straight
when you've made the wrong assumptions.
But if possible, try and go second
so that you can first give them a chance
to share their own truth and their own story.
And if you want the rest of those
10 zen secrets of persuasion,
I'd love to hear your feedback on them,
and the link to get them is below.
(peaceful music)