[APPLAUSE]
Hi, I'm Samantha Bee.
Welcome to Full Frontal.
Let's check in, shall we?
Our institutions are strong, Nordstrom has not
been seized by the National Guard yet,
Napoleon Bona-Trump did pre-blame the judicial branch
for our next terrorist attack, you know, to save time.
He is a businessman.
He then immediately made the rounds
of the military and the Sheriffs' Association
to establish himself as their fluffer-in-chief.
We heard from sheriffs who said
they sat in those exact seats six months ago
in a different administration, and they felt this time
there was a president who actually
asked them, what do you need?
What do I need?
Lord have mercy, no one ever asked me about my needs.
Not till you blew into town, you handsome drifter.
[LAUGHTER]
Now what else happened that was terrible?
Oh, yeah, a sentient bag of hairspray fumes
was put in charge of education and the human antidote
to the Voting Rights Act moved forward with help
from a very neutered blue dog.
[BOOING]
None of which was a surprise.
But this was.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHTER]
I know!
We couldn't believe it either.
First, after briefly banning Kellyanne Conway for being
a flaxen-haired fountain of lies,
CNN let her back through the gates
straight into Jake Tapper's cage,
and they haven't fed him this week.
Saying that we don't cover terrorism, that's just false.
Sprays of falsehoods coming from the White House.
How about the president's statements that are false?
Falsehoods. False.
False.
Down, Jake.
[CHEERING]
Wow.
I didn't think CNN let you use the F-word on the air.
Now while Tapper cleaned his whiskers following his feast,
CNN whisked us back to the good old days of radio,
with a crackly broadcast of lawyers arguing the travel ban
case, which turned out to be the most riveting audio drama
since Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar,
the adventures of a man with an action-packed expense account.
Honestly , I have always wished to live in a country where
people listened to and live-tweeted important court
cases about civil liberties.
I just shouldn't have wished it on that monkey's paw.
[LAUGHTER]
Sorry.
Now was CNN done surprising us?
Nuh uh!
Next, they gifted us with the joy of pretending
the past year never happened!
Live from the George Washington University
in the nation's capital, this is CNN's debate
night on the future of the Affordable Care Act.
It's like Jeff Zucker looked at his election ratings
and said, hey, what if it was election all the time?
The socialist and the Slytherin played all their greatest hits.
I disagree with Ted, who wants to give
incredible tax breaks to millionaires and billionaires.
When my dad went to Texas in 1957 when he was 18,
he couldn't speak English.
Incredible tax breaks for the top one percent.
And Bernie's solution, you know
I'm reminded of an old Saturday Night Live skit
with Christopher Walken.
Where they're playing in a band and he
keeps ringing the cowbell.
And every time they recorded, his solution
is, more cowbell, more cowbell.
And Bernie and the Democrats' solution is, more cowbell,
more cowbell!
Oh, god.
You're that twerp in high school who wouldn't shut up
about the knights who say Ni.
Please, someone take away Ted's Netflix
before he discovers Borat.
But comedy kryptonite aside, this event that we expected
to be a pointless trainwreck actually ended up
being a semi-thoughtful debate on the merits
and flaws of America's health care system.
We've got to join the rest of the industrialized world
and guarantee health care to all people as a right.
Just a couple of weeks ago on the Senate
floor I voted with you--
You voted by amendment--
--in support of that, in support
of allowing drug reimportation.
It was the right thing to do.
I can honestly say, I would give my left tit
to have either one of you wonderful mansplaining pricks
in the White House right now.
[CHEERING]
We were watching CNN, and not just in an airport
bar with the sound off.
We saw you serve the public interest for almost half a day.
And sure, it couldn't last forever.
We're just hoping you wake up hungry tomorrow.
We'll be right back.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]