- Just slowly insert this baton into your anus.
And push- - That's not.
- Oh wait, sorry.
- That's not in there.
(upbeat jazzy music)
Hey guys, welcome to "Stir Crazy."
You know my guest today from "Parks and Recreation."
I know her as a perpetual beam of holiday light.
She's got two new movies out this holiday season,
"Black Bear" and "Happiest Season."
It's the one and only, Aubrey Plaza.
Did you say black bear?
Rawr!
- Hi, Aubrey.
How's it going?
- Fine.
- Where you going?
- Bah!
Look into the ball.
- What, what?
- Sorry.
- What? What's wrong.
Is it me? What is it?
- This isn't how I normally work. Okay.
This isn't my normal setup.
I normally have all this shit ready to go,
but I'm doing the best I can.
- Is tarot considered a dark art?
Is this meddling with dark forces?
- I don't suggest dabbling in the dark arts
for any bad evil causes.
I just think, look, our bodies.
Fuck!
- The candle went, yeah, come on.
- Our bodies are. - Come on.
Come on, really?
I was told you are a professional.
What the fuck is going on? (laughs)
Keep it together!
- Fuck you!
You think that this is a joke?
- No, now I don't.
- I could do a past-present-future reading for you.
And again, look, I'm dabbling in witchcraft.
Yes, I've gotten into witchcraft during the quarantine.
Yes, there's a witch that lives across the street from me.
Dandelion.
She is the real professional.
I'm an apprentice right now.
All right, honey, let's do it.
- Okay.
Is that how you open your tarot card reading?
Let's do it?
- Let's get ready to rumble!
♪ Dun dun dun dundun dundun ♪
All right, let's pull you three cards.
Let's do past-present-future.
Josh Horowitz, lord of the cyberwaves.
Man of the movie review interviews.
(Josh laughing)
This isn't a joke.
- I like hearing you try to decipher what I do.
- Josh Horowitz.
Shut up, Josh.
And now all you have to do is say,
"Pull towards me," or "Pull towards you,"
when you get the feeling.
- Pull towards you!
- (gasps) Oh, Joshy.
- What'd I get? - La Lune!
- Did I win? I won the game, we're good.
- No, it's not a game.
And look, to be totally honest.
These aren't in English and I don't speak French.
But I think it means the fucking moon,
which if I wanted to pull a card,
I would wanna pull this card. - Really?
- Let's say that this is your past.
And now we're gonna do this two more times.
- Okay. - And here we go.
The cards cascading.
- Pull towards me!
That's the death card, isn't it?
I'm gonna die.
- That's the Nine of Pentacles.
- That can't be good.
- So let's say that that is your present.
- Okay.
That can't be hygienic.
That's not good for anybody,
you're gonna cut yourself.
- Ah! Little more head room, Aubrey.
(Josh laughing) I'm not drunk.
- Pull towards you!
- AS des Batons.
- Oh, the ass of Batons.
- Not the ass of Batons.
Actually, I don't know what it is.
- Why don't you get an English deck next time?
It would make things easier. Don't you think?
- Yeah, no shit. This was a gift.
Now here's the part where I look up what it means.
- Is this is what they did in times of olden times?
They would just go on Google and just fucking look it up?
- Shut up.
Listen, the bottom line with this card,
you need to connect with your subconscious mind
and you need to release your fears and anxieties, Josh.
They're holding you back.
- That much is true.
- Nine of Pentacles, Joshy, is your present.
Behold, the abundance, luxuries, self-sufficiency,
and financial independence.
Someone's been thriving during the pandemic,
(Josh laughing) haven't they?
The vines are heavy with grapes and golden coins.
Wait, I'm gonna switch and skip that part.
(both laughing)
You, Joshy, have worked hard to create
abundance in your life.
The Nine of Pentacles says,
now you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Ugh. This sucks. (Josh laughing)
- You want me to suffer, you want me sad.
- The ace of wands, is your future, my darling.
God, you have such good cards!
- God, killing it! - You don't deserve this.
The Ace of Wands encourages you to follow your heart
and live your passion.
If you feel a strong pull towards a new project or path,
but are questioning whether it will work,
this card will give you the gentle nudge.
Just imagine this baton just ramming right up your butt.
Oh wait, no, that wasn't.
- That can't be where you're reading.
You made that up. - You can always start.
Sorry, I went off track there.
You can always start out small,
treating the project or an idea as an experiment or trial,
but just slowly insert this baton into your anus and push
Oh wait, sorry. - That's not in there.
- Oh wait, no.
Oh no, it says if it feels good, keep doing it.
And if it doesn't, make adjustments and try again.
If you've been looking for a sign
whether you should stick a rod up your ass.
(Josh laughing)
This is a clear yes, baby.
- I haven't been looking for that sign, to be honest,
but I guess this opens up a whole new world
of possibilities for me.
- Honestly, look, I know this is a joke.
- It's not a joke. It's serious.
- But I should try to ram things up your butt.
More than you're doing. - That's my takeaway.
Do you feel like witches get a bad rap nowadays?
- I think witches are becoming more mainstream than ever.
Hello? Lana Del Rey.
Remember when she did a hex on Trump in 2016?
I feel like that was a really big moment for witches.
- Fuck, marry, kill.
Wicked Witch of the West, Scarlet Witch, Maleficent.
- I definitely would kill the Wicked Witch of the West
because she fucked with Judy.
- Dorothy. That's the characters.
- I would marry the Scarlet Witch.
If I could have Elizabeth Olsen as my wife,
my life would be set.
She would be the best wife I ever could dream of.
And Maleficent, I would F the B out of the W.
(both laughing)
- Would you rather,
I have some would you rather questions, Aubrey?
You ready? (upbeat jazzy music)
Would you rather be stuck in a cabin with a fighting couple
a la "Black Bear" or a murder doll named Chucky?
- Chucky.
Being with a fighting couple is something
that hurts you on the inside.
It's an attack on just ugh, your nervous system.
- Would you rather have Ron Swanson's mustache
or Tom Haverford's wardrobe?
- Mustache.
I've always had a thing for mustaches.
- On yourself or other people?
- On myself.
- Would you rather have snakes for fingers
or snakes for boobs?
It might be fun if a snake was my nipple.
- Right.
So you've still got the boob. - Not my boobs,
but if a little baby snake was my nipple.
And every time you try to suck on it,
it just bit your dick off.
(Josh laughing)
That'd be great.
- Would you rather pee fire or poop lava?
- I mean, I feel like I have pooped lava,
so I'm gonna go with that one. (Josh laughing)
- Hey, Dakota Johnson asked me this question
on a previous episode. (bees buzzing)
Would you rather have a mouth full of bees
or one bee in your butt?
- Bee in my butt.
- That seems to be the consensus.
- It's a tough call for me
because I have an oral fixation.
And this isn't me being like, check me out,
I wanna just put things in my mouth.
But I do want to put things in my mouth.
And I always been like this.
You give me anything, I'll put it in my mouth.
Pens, papers, bees.
- Hey, congrats on getting Joe Biden
elected president as a fellow Delawarean.
- You're welcome!
- You are the king maker.
Do you feel personally responsible for this?
- Okay, I don't feel personally responsible
but I will say that I'm very big in Delaware County.
Okay, honey?
I do what I can.
And Joe is just, he's just Joe.
And got him into that White House.
- Sadly, our time is up, Aubrey.
Should we pull one more card on the way out?
- Let's pull a card for Joe.
- Okay. This one's for Joe Biden.
♪ This one's for Joe Biden ♪
♪ Muah, I love you ♪
Ah! (laughs)
Speak to me.
Ya son of a bitch. (Josh laughing)
Whoo!
(gasps) And an upright card!
What do we have here?
- We got the Valet des EPEES.
- Upright page of swords.
He is bursting with new ideas and plans for the future.
He may be excited about starting a new project.
The presidency?
Whatever, this is a great card for Joe.
Joe, keep that energy up.
Keep that sword up, if you know what I mean,
and let's stick it to the country.
Just like in old Delaware times.
- Another perfectly normal conversation with Aubrey Plaza.
- Be grateful for your abundance.
You privileged piece of shit. (Josh laughing)
(upbeat jazzy music)