-President Biden used his first
State of the Union address to condemn Vladimir Putin's
invasion of Ukraine and warned Putin
that he has no idea what the U.S.
and its allies will do next.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
I have to say it just seems exhausting
to be a Republican politician these days.
Every minor inconvenience is somehow a secret plot
to cancel you or indoctrinate you into becoming
an Antifa Marxist woken-ista,
and I don't know what that is, but I think it's bad.
Everything is a perceived slight
and you have to be constantly outraged all the time.
Like yesterday, for example, Senator Marco Rubio skipped
President Biden's first State of the Union address,
where the President laid out his plans for,
among other things, deterring a brutal dictator,
who's invading a sovereign country
and dealing with a global pandemic.
And Rubio said it was
because he didn't want to get tested for COVID.
-Not every Republican is here.
Marco Rubio, the Republican senator from Florida,
said he wouldn't be attending
because he didn't have time to get tested.
-Senator Rubio told another media outlet
he wasn't taking a COVID 19 test
because he didn't have time for it.
-I'm sorry what? You don't have time
to get your nose swabbed for 10 seconds,
but there's two possibilities here.
One, Marco Rubio is a bozo pandering to a base
that somehow thinks a 10-second nose swab
is an act of tyranny.
Or two, he's been taking the wrong test.
[ Laughter ]
In which case I empathize with this poor man.
I don't have time to go inside that big metal tube
and get spooked by all the banging.
Oh Marco, you've been taking an MRI?
Oh man. You mean when these people?
Maybe it's the same reason they're anti-mask too.
You know, Marco has probably been wearing it over his eyes.
Banging is nuts in the stuff 10, 20 times a day.
And here I am, giving him a hard time.
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry.
Look, it sucks for normal people
who have to wait in long lines for COVID tests,
but Rubio is a senator it would literally taken 30 seconds.
I can tell you, because I still get tested three times a week,
even though I've had three shots and got COVID,
I'm basically super immune now.
The other day, just to test my immune system,
I got on the F train, took my mask off and did this.
And I didn't get COVID, I did catch mange.
Which isn't great, but, you know,
I still prove my point.
Again, this was a joint address to Congress and yeah,
I'm a little lightheaded from how I breathed.
It's touch and go now, whether or not
I'll make it through the "Look."
And again, this was a joint address to Congress,
where the president praised brave Ukrainians
for resisting Russian aggression
and laid out his plan to deter Putin,
among many other things. And Rubio just skipped it
because he didn't want to get his nose swabbed.
I mean, sorry, man,
but you don't get to say no thanks
when you have an important work meeting.
Certainly the rest of us don't have that option.
I can't just skip our show's annual
Respect in the Workplace Meeting
because I don't want to get a COVID test.
Even our cue card guy, Wally couldn't skip it.
Although he definitely put in the bare minimum effort
by zooming into the meeting,
and this is 100% real while lying on his bed.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Again, this is a real a real screenshot
from a Respect in the Workplace Meeting.
We'll even put an arrow in so you can see where he is.
And if that shot looks familiar, that's because he showed up
at the State of the Union last night.
-I think I have a better idea to fight inflation.
Lower your cost, not your wages.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-So, Rubio, now you're doing it with the cards, Wally?
-Yeah. Hey, Seth, you know, from what I remember,
I'm pretty sure the Respect in the Workplace Seminar
also said you shouldn't tease employees on national TV.
-Put the cards up, Wally! -Alright.
[ Light laughter ]
-So Rubio couldn't be bothered to show up
to a State of the Union address.
Meanwhile, some of the Republicans who did show up
were disruptive ass[bleep] like Lauren Boebert
and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
First, they pulled the dumb stunt where they turned
their back on Biden's cabinet as they entered the chamber.
Although, I genuinely can't tell if they're turning their backs
or if they are just wasted and don't know which way to look.
I mean, they have the vibe and posture
of two college sophomores at a party
looking for a friend who left hours ago.
[ Imitates female voice ] Jessica!
[ Laughter ]
Jessica.
[ Normal voice ] And was that supposed to be a powerful statement?
You don't look like you're turning your backs,
so you look like you're waiting for your Uber
after getting kicked out of an Applebee's on St. Patrick's Day
for drinking one, too many Tipsy Leprechauns.
By the way, that is a real thing you can order an Applebee's.
It's the drink most offensive to Irish people
since they stopped serving their IRA themed sparkling wine.
The Troubles Bubbles.
[ Laughter ]
Aaanyway. [ Laughter ]
Greene and Boebert weren't done there,
they later heckled Biden during the part of his speech
on immigration by yelling "Build the wall" at him.
They were drowned out by applause,
but there's a photo of them yelling during the speech
where they look like too overbearing
Little League moms berating their kids from the stands.
[ Imitates mom yelling ] Come on, Tyler, you got to catch that!
This is T-ball, Tyler!
[ Normal voice ] Now that picture might make you angry,
but if I've learned anything.
Any one thing from watching "Real Housewives,"
it's that two white ladies
this erratic will eventually turn on one another.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, sure, they agree now, but you wait, you just wait.
[ As Greene] Did you take my "stop the steal" mask?
[ As Boebert ] I borrowed it.
[ As Greene ] Well, stop the borrow!
[ Normal voice ] All these people want is attention,
and they're willing to do anything to get it,
including yelling at the President
during an address to the nation.
And look, I don't care that much about decorum.
I do care about not being annoying.
And these two are some of the most annoying people
I've ever seen on the national stage.
I mean, they're like a nonstop national hangnail.
They remind me of the kids in high school
who thought they should be starring in the school musical,
even though they couldn't sing for [bleep]
so they'd be in the background, wearing a tree costume
and would just creep up stage during the final number.
And then as for the Democrats,
there was Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer,
who preemptively started applauding a line
Biden's speech before Biden actually got to it,
producing this awkward moment.
-Unlike the $2 trillion tax cut passed
in the previous administration
that benefited the top one percent of Americans
the American Rescue Plan --
[ Booing ]
The American Rescue Plan help working people
and left no one behind.
-He looked like the overeager dad at the high school play
who tries to start an ovation for his two weird nieces.
How about them?
They didn't know all the words, but they sure have moxie.
No? Okay.
Now, it won't surprise you to hear
that Biden began his speech with a strong denunciation
of Vladimir Putin's invasion of Ukraine.
He applauded the bravery and courage of Ukrainians
defending their country and announced plans
to go after the wealth of Russian oligarchs
with an ad-libbed line at the end,
teasing that there's potentially more to come.
-Tonight, I say to the Russian oligarchs
and the corrupt leaders who bilked billions of dollars
off this violent regime, "No more."
The United States --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean it.
The United States' Department of Justice
is assembling a dedicated task force
to go after the crimes of the Russian oligarchs.
We're joining with European allies
to find and seize their yachts,
their luxury apartments, their private jets.
We're coming for your ill begotten gains,
and tonight I'm announcing that we will join our allies
in closing off American airspace to all Russian flights.
Further isolating Russia
and adding additional squeeze on their economy.
[ Applause ]
-Whoa, that's quite the tease.
Putin has no idea what's coming.
Looks like someone prepped for his speech
by watching "Taken" again. [ Laughter ]
Also, I'll be impressed if that's true,
because villains like Putin always like to think
they know what's coming. I'm betting no one's ever seen
Putin make a shocked expression in his life.
I don't even know what that would look like.
Can you imagine throwing a surprise party for him?
Surprise!
[ As Putin ] No, not surprise.
I read your text for the last month.
Also, I do not like clapping for birthdays, Chuck.
Better Chuck, better.
[ Normal voice ] And true to Biden's word,
today, the Justice Department followed through and announced
a new task force to go after
Russian elites called KleptoCapture
to track down wealth of sanctioned Russian oligarchs
aimed at ensuring the U.S. can seize the money
of sanctioned Russian elite tied to Putin.
Now, the name KleptoCapture is a reference
to capturing the wealth of Russian kleptocrats.
So we're going after oligarchs, plutocrats, and kleptocrats.
I'm sorry, but why do we have so many
different words for rich criminal?
I feel like I have to walk around with a damn thesaurus
all day just to understand the news.
Why can't we just call it the Taking Money
From Suspiciously Wealthy Beet Farmers Task Force?
[ Laughter ]
KleptoCapture sounds like the name of a lesser known
Bond movie from the '80s starring Roger Moore.
[ British accent ] Bad news, James. After you defeated Moonraker,
they came up with an even more powerful weapon.
It's called KleptoCapture. [ As Bond ] What does it do?
[ British accent ] Hold on, let me flip through my thesaurus.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] But there's certainly a lot of elite Russian wealth
to go after, in addition to the yachts
and condos and private jets, the U.S. and its allies
are also going after a special type of passport
that apparently only rich oligarchs get to use.
-There will be a trans-Atlantic international task force
to target wealthy Russians who have luxury yachts,
luxury apartments, and use golden passports.
Those are the things that essentially allow you
to become a citizen of another country
to either hide your wealth or escape Russia.
There's such a thing as a golden passport.
I guess that would explain why every time I go to JFK,
there's a special line of security
filled with Russian oligarchs
complaining about how slow the TSA is.
[ Brooklyn accent ] Shoes and belts off.
[ Russian accent ] But I have golden passport.
[ Brooklyn accent ] Buddy, I don't care if you got
the golden goose.
Shoes and belts off and no liquids.
[ Russian accent ] But golden passport allowed me four ounces.
[ Brooklyn accent ] Willy Wonka over here got a golden passport.
Willy Wonkavich over here.
What are you taking the glass elevator?
You got one ticket?
Yeah, I'm reading a lot of Roald Dahl at home.
[ Normal voice ] Now, Biden is anticipating that some of these sanctions
and the instability caused by the conflict may contribute
to inflation and rising gas prices, among other things.
So we took a moment to speak directly to the American people
and tried to reassure them that everything would be fine.
-To all Americans, I'll be honest with you,
as I always promised I would be, a Russian dictator aff--
invading a foreign country has cost around the world.
And I'm taking robust action to make sure
the pain of our sanctions is targeted at Russian economy.
And that we use every tool at our disposal
to protect American businesses and consumers.
These steps will help blunt gas prices here at home,
but I know news about what's happening
can seem alarming to all Americans.
But I want you to know we're going to be okay.
We're going to be okay.
-You know, things aren't exactly going great
when the President adopts the tone of a husband who just
told his wife he blew all their money at the racetrack.
"We're going to be okay, baby. I've got a plan.
My buddy, Chuck and I are going to start a business
selling fake Nike's in Times Square."
Chuck, tell her how good the plan is."
Chuck! Oh, Chuck, come on.
Don't do me like this man."
Last night, Biden applauded
the bravery and courage of the Ukrainian people
and laid out a strong response to Russia
that will punish them financially while being careful
to avoid any direct military conflict
that could drastically escalate the situation
which no one wants. And yet some Republicans
couldn't even be bothered to show up,
while others were just disruptive jerks.
Every time I remember these insane people
are elected officials, I have to look in the mirror
and tell myself we're going to be okay.
This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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