In a world full of loud movies,
Starring loud people
"SPARTA!"
Played to theaters full of loud fans.
One premise will shock and horrify the modern audience:
Having to shut the f*ck up.
[Relieved sigh]
That's better.
*Psst* Hey, can we get an epic ASL guy to help me out here?
Perfect
Explore the near future of A Quiet Place.
On one hand, it's a dystopia where blind aliens
kill anyone who makes a sound.
But on the other,
it's every dad's paradise
where a father of three children can finally get some peace and quiet
With plenty of time for fishing,
farm-to-table meals,
and a man cave full of TVs that your kids are not allowed to enter.
Hey, *Psst* Hey dude, can we like trade lives, please?
Watch The Office's John Krasinski
prove he's more than just a pretty Jim face.
But a wide range of pretty Jim faces.
With support from real-life wife Emily Blunt,
the most badass female character
That's also barefoot, pregnant, and not allowed to speak
But it's behind the camera where JK really shines,
as he makes a directing debut
that's one part Ridley Scott,
one part James Cameron Titanic references?
and six parts Tarantino foot shots.
[Tarantino-esque guitar riffs]
Ahh!
Oh! sorry,
haven't yelled like that since Marv in Home Alone.
[screams in pain]
Prepare for an awesome original horror movie premise
as long as you don't think too hard about it.
Where everyone always looks like they're holding in a fart
because a fart or burp or sneeze would equal death.
Where footsteps are too loud,
but snapping your fingers is fine.
And where this waterfall lets you be as noisy as you want:
"Wooo!"
But they don't just live next to the waterfall? I mean, come on!
Don't even get me started on the ending and military-grade sonic weaponry.
The government's already developing it under the Denver Airport
So if you love survival horror movies
and feature-length ASMR videos,
strap in--
but carefully, cause the straps can get like, really noisy--
for a film that started its life as a potential Cloverfield sequel,
but in the capable hands of Big Tuna
became a really solid one-off film.
I mean, come on
we don't need a sequel
unless it's like a super quiet 'Aliens'.
[whispers] Game over man! Game over!
The Quiet Game
This is a good reminder that Monopoly sucks
and will get you killed in the apocalypse.
As if you ever needed another reason not to play Monopoly, right?
Hey, thanks for helping out Epic ASL guy
I'm just gonna pretend that means you're welcome
Disestablishmentarianism is a big word
You're not the only one cursed with knowledge
Everything,
Starring the Rock
Blessed be the Fruit Loops.
[as Pooh] I just read these comments out loud because I like them.
*Pooh laugh*