- Picking a name is extremely hard
because I have negative associations with most names
because I hate most people.
Let's see, what's the most popular baby name this year?
Olivia. Sounds good.
Let's name him that.
How about Jackson?
Okay, but let's change up the spelling a little bit.
Okay.
So you gotta double up some consonants and
then swap out some vowels and then add in some
extra stuff for no real reason.
Check it out, playa.
I love it.
Oh, we can name him Cooper.
I like that name.
No kids are gonna call him Cooper the pooper scooper.
I know. I was one of those mean kids, okay?
We gotta pick a name that is insult proof.
Tony?
Oh, good one.
Tony Baloney.
Asher?
Watch out, Asher's a flasher.
No way.
Nick?
Are you effing with me right now?
We're gonna name him Frank, 'cause that's tradition.
My name's Frank, my dad's named Frank,
it goes so far back in the family.
He's gonna be Frank the
(suspenseful whooshing) 13th.
Oh no.
Bobby, Bobby!
What are you doing?
Well, whatever name we pick has to be easily yelled.
Bobby, get your dirty feet off of the couch, you donkey.
Yeah. I'm really liking Bobby.
So I found a list of last year's top 10,000
most popular baby names.
In other words, 10,000 stale, old, overused names
that we are absolutely not giving to our precious, special,
one of a kind, unique baby, okay?
Whatever name we pick, I'm gonna make that name
the secret key needed to decode my last will and testament.
So if he can't solve the puzzle by the time I die
he will inherit nothing from me.
It's like an escape room.
But the stakes are way higher.
We can't just impose a name on another human.
It's a baby, not a Bichon Frisé, okay?
We need to let the baby pick its own name when
it's old enough.
Until then, we're just calling it baby child.
We're naming her Tiffany. End of discussion.
(ominous booming)
Sounds good to me.
I'll start ordering monogramed baby blankets.
Ooh, we can get them in Tiffany blue!
Okay, I'm just gonna throw some names out there
Off the top of my dome for consideration.
Habbacook.
Uh, Cleff.
Troof.
Oatmeal.
Vestibyule.
Mooseakka, nickname Soccah.
So the number one name on my list is Mario.
Like the video game character?
No.
Where else have you even heard the name Mario?
I was just like driving down the road and I saw it.
What road?
The Rainbow Road.
Like in Mario Kart?
No, not Mario Kart.
I just put a poll on my Instagram story
and my followers decided that we're naming our daughter
Leilani.
Leilani?
Leilani.
Leilani was never even an option.
Well, at this point, a lot of people
on the 'Gram are gonna be real disappointed
if we don't name her Leilani.
Well, I'm gonna be disappointed if we name her Leilani.
Hey, take it up with my followers not me.
I personally hate the name, but that's democracy for you.
Frank?
Frank the tank. No bueno.
James?
James is lames.
Ezekiel.
Zeke's a freak!
Samuel.
Sam smells like ham.
D'Aquariust.
Jarsupyull.
Li'l Dunq.
Rotate.
Frappegino.
Mr. Myme.
You know, I think we should wait
until the baby's born until we pick a name.
Like what if we decide we want to name him something
like Julian, but then he is born and we're like, oh no,
well, now that I see the kid in person
clearly his name should be Donald.
Imagine going through your whole life for the wrong name
just because your parents decided, "Oh, I wanna have a plan.
I wanna be prepared."
This is too much pressure!
In business, your name is everything.
So I've taken our top three names
for our little baby girl and I put 'em on business cards
and we are gonna role play a job interview.
Hi, I am Lydia Smith.
Oh, Lydia.
The door's behind you.
Get out.
Ouch.
Tacticus.
Pheolycks.
Sirap, it's Paris backwards.
And it's kind of plain, but Joe. spelled J-O-W.
I've spent dozens of hours creating an algorithm
that will pick the perfect name for us.
Oh boy.
Let's see what it comes up with.
(computer beeping)
Hannah.
We're having a boy.
We are?
Yes. So run it again for a boy name.
You only did it for girls names, didn't you?
Are you sure Hannah won't work for a boy?
Hudson?
Oh, Hudson, what's it like being a river
that flows by New York City?
Come on, wife.
Jude?
♪ Hey Jude ♪
Timmy?
Giddy up.
You know, the name we pick,
it doesn't really matter that much
because in a thousand years
no one's gonna remember any of our names.
We will have been forgotten to history.
Will you cut it out?
Geez. You've managed to make picking a baby name depressing.
Everything's depressing.
If you think about it enough,
and maybe that's why I have issues.
♪ They say a strangers come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪