My mom drops a bomb on me that my dad, who raised me,
who loved me, may possibly not be my biological father.
And I was 19 when that happened.
She tells me she knows who my biological father is,
and that she's been in contact with him
and that he's not exactly the nicest man in the world,
but she wanted me to make my own decision.
So I reached out to him --
probably the worst fucking mistake of my life.
I remember the first night meeting him,
he was very open about everything.
And, uh, one comment he did make was,
"Tell me how big his penis was",
which I thought was really fucking weird.
Right. I was a little weirded-out about that.
And at this point in time, I'm in my full, like, sexuality,
I started abusing drugs.
He took advantage of me.
He, um -- I can't even believe I'm, like,
ad-admitting this right now,
but -- but it's just part of my story.
It's -- Yeah.
And I remember just being,
like, in and out of consciousness
and he was touching me, and --
But I was so fucked up on drugs, I didn't...
It's alright. I remember, like, crying hysterically in a corner,
asking him not to touch me, and he'd do it anyway.
Um...
I was really suicidal after that,
and I wanted out -- I wanted out of this world.
I was so disgusted with my-- I couldn't look at myself.
I was so disgusted with myself.
I want to just breathe for a second.
Take your time.
[Voice breaking] It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault! No.
No matter how old I was, like,
I was still young-minded and he just...
And he knew it. ...fucked with me so bad.
And he mind-fucked. you. Mm-hmm.
And I-I still to this day have not been able to forgive him.
I want to forgive myself, but I can't.
I'm not there yet.
That's okay. Like, fuck you.
That's okay.
Trust me, I-I'm proud of you.
Mm-hmm. You're a hero in my eyes.
I'm not sure I could have lived through what you did.
But I want you to also understand is,
is that was yesterday,
and I know you know it, but not under ayahuasca,
and right now your subconscious is wide-open
and that's why we're doing what we're doing.
So what are we doing?
Well, what we would like to do is,
is we've created this arena of introspection.
It has some TVs and mirrors,
and it's also gonna show yourself
from a different perspective.
We're gonna use the colored light therapy
to work right with your subconscious.
And I feel you're strong enough to do this.
She comes from this cauldron of shit.
This shit soup.
But this is where we got to go in
and kinda change the neural pathway
to get around these roadblocks
that she hasn't been able to overcome on her own.
Also, what's gonna be happening, Teri and I
will be using conversational hypnotic techniques
to really seed her mind with things that will help her
with the challenges of the days to come.
I want to know, when you look at yourself, what do you see?
[ Inhales deeply ]
Um...
You know, honestly, I try not to stare at myself
too much in the mirror.
Okay, can I ask you why you don't want
to look at yourself in the mirror?
Probably because of all the shit that I've dealt with.
And, um, especially with that situation
with my biological father.
His DNA is running through me -- we do look similar,
and you don't need to look at that sometimes.
You're a beautiful woman.
You're an intelligent woman.
You are kind and loving. [ Sobbing ]
Do any of those match your dad?
No.
Steve: And let me tell you what you ain't.
You're not a slut.
[ Sobs ]
You're not a piece of shit.
You're not a pile of trash to be used and thrown away.
And you are not the first person to fall prey to a predator
using everything within his means,
including his genetic makeup,
to get what his instinct desired.
And you're not a victim...
...not today and not tomorrow.
Mother Aya doesn't come to victims.
No, she comes to warriors.
To warriors, exactly.
[ Sniffles ]
I will hear his voice for the rest of my life.
You are not a slut, you are not, you are not, you are not.
And I will tell you right now, for him to step in and say,
"You are beautiful, you are loved,
you are vindicated, you are free."
I literally, like, felt the chains just break on my soul.