♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY!
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON!
>> Jon: YEAH, BABY!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME TANNING THE FINEST
LEATHER FROM THE MOST TOPICAL CATTLE, METICULOUSLY DIP-DYEING
IT IN A SOLUTION OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, THEN HAND
CUTTING AND STITCHING IT INTO THE MUST-HAVE LOUIS VUITTON
HANDBAG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I SCOUR MY BACKYARD FOR A DAMP STICK, TIE A
BLOOD-STAINED BANDANA I GOT FROM A BIKER NAMED BARRACUDA TO
IT, AND FILL IT WITH TRINKETS, A CAN OF BEANS, AND WHAT MIGHT BE
A HUMAN THUMB TO CREATE THE FOUL HOBO BINDLE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
Q-WHILE: THE NAVY'S NEW USS "FORD" IS
HAVING SOME PROBLEMS.
APPARENTLY, THE "MOST EXPENSIVE AIRCRAFT CARRIER EVER BUILT
CANNOT LAUNCH FIGHTER JETS."
LET ME FIX THAT HEADLINE FOR YOU.
"NAVY LAUNCHES $13 BILLION HOUSE BOAT."
THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IT TO WORK FOR YEARS, BUT "THE TESTERS
SAID THE TROUBLE WAS WITH THE USS 'FORD'S' NEW HIGH-TECH
AIRCRAFT TAKEOFF AND LANDING SYSTEMS," AN "ELECTROMAGNETIC
CATAPULT AND CATCH SYSTEM THAT KEEPS BREAKING."
I GOT TO SAY, EVEN IF YOU DO GET THIS THING UP AND RUNNING,
THAT'S GOING TO BE TOUGH SELL TO THE PILOTS.
"ALPHA 6-TANGO, YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO LAND YOUR 50,000-
POUND JET ON THE ELECTROMAGNETIC PLANE CATCHER THINGY THAT SNAPS
EVERY SO OFTEN.
BUT IT'S ALL GOOD NOW, SO COME ON IN AT ANGLE OH-NINER-- AAND
HE EJECTED."
OKAY, THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TALK INTO THEIR HANDS.
( LAUGHTER )
NEW SMART TOOTHBRUSH THAT ADAPTS AS YOU BRUSH," THE "PHILIPS
SONICARE 9900 PRESTIGE WITH SENSE IQ USES ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE TO DETECT HOW MUCH PRESSURE YOU'RE EXERTING,
AND THEN WILL ADJUST THE INTENSITY AUTOMATICALLY."
AND IT "WORKS WITH THE PHILIPS SONICARE APP TO GIVE YOU
REAL-TIME GUIDANCE ON "PRESSURE, MOTION, POSITION, DURATION, AND
FREQUENCY."
OR YOU COULD BRUSH YOUR TEETH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, MERCEDES-BENZ ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL INTRODUCE
AN ELECTRIC SEDAN WITH A MAMMOTH, PILLAR-TO-PILLAR,
56-INCH TOUCHSCREEN, WHICH MERCEDES CALLS THE
"HYPERSCREEN."
BECAUSE THE TERM "COLLISION GENERATOR 9000" WAS ALREADY
TAKEN.
WHEN IT DEBUTS IN LATE 2021, DRIVERS WILL BE LOOKING AT A
SCREEN NEARLY FIVE FEET ACROSS THAT PROVIDES "VARIOUS
INFOTAINMENT, COMFORT, AND VEHICLE FUNCTIONS."
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S SUPER COMPELLING INFOTAINMENT TO WATCH
WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING?
THE ROAD.
IT MAY START SLOW, BUT TRUE FANS OF WATCHING THE ROAD KNOW THAT
IF YOU STICK WITH IT-- SPOILER-- YOU DON'T DIE.
AND IT'S IN 3D!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE HIPPEST THING ON TIKTOK RIGHT NOW IS SEA
SHANTIES!
I CALLED THIS LAST YEAR, AS I SAID LAST NIGHT!
JON, ARE YOU AWARE THAT 2021 IS THE YEAR OF THE SEA SHANTY?
I'VE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THIS.
I TOLD MY WHOLE FAMILY THIS OVER THE CHRISTMAS BREAK.
THEY WERE LIKE, "DAD, YOU'RE CRAZY.
GET OFF THE GROG AND COME BACK TO PORT.
NO ONE IS GOING TO LISTEN TO SEA SHANTIES."
AND NOW THEY'RE BLOWING UP ONLINE.
NOW, BEFORE I GO ON WITH THIS VITAL STORY, PARENTS, A WARNING.
SEA SHANTIES ARE A GATEWAY TO MORE DANGEROUS ONLINE,
MARINE-INFLUENCED BEHAVIOR, LIKE WEARING CABLE KNIT SWEATERS AND
CARVING SCRIMSHAW PENIS PICS.
FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT UP ON THE YOUNG FOLKS' LINGO, SEA SHANTIES
ARE OLD WHALERS AND MERCHANT VESSEL FOLK SONGS, AND SINCE
TIKTOK ALLOWS USERS TO LAYER ON EACH OTHER'S VIDEOS, YOU GET
AWESOME STUFF LIKE THIS: ♪ SHE HAD NOT BEEN
TWO WEEKS FROM SHORE ♪ WHEN DOWN ON HER
A RIGHT WHALE BORE ♪ THE CAPTAIN CALLED
ALL HANDS AND SWORE ♪ HE'D TAKE THAT WHALE IN TOW
SOON MAY THE WELLERMAN COME ♪ TO BRING US
SUGAR AND TEA AND RUM ♪ ONE DAY, WHEN
THE TONGUIN' IS DONE ♪ WE'LL TAKE OUR LEAVE AND GO ♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
♪ MY EARS ARE BLESSED WITH A TIKTOK MEME
♪ A SAILOR'S SONG THIS IS MY DREAM
♪ THE KIDS ARE DOING SOME INTERNET STUFF
♪ I FINALLY UNDERSTAND SOON MAY ANOTHER MEME COME
♪ A STAFFER WILL SHOW ME AND I'LL SAY "UM...
♪ WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S MAKING ME MAD."
♪ THEY'LL SAY WHATEVER, DAAAAD ♪
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE CO-HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE
CO-HOSTS OF SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS," ALEX WAGNER, JOHN
HEILEMANN, AND MARK McKINNON.
ARRRR!
♪ SOON MAY THE WELLERMAN COME TO BRING US SUGAR AND TEA AND RUM ♪