Yes, it is that time of year again.
The Apprentice is back and Lord Sugar has lined up
16 candidates all vying to become his business partner.
And, once again, I've managed to get hold of their audition tapes
to create my own alternative interviews. This...
SCOOTER CLATTERS
..is Meet The Candidates.
Sarah Ann, talk to me about your special skills.
I can down a pint in 4.5 seconds.
Impressive. My PB is 7.6 seconds, or just over 11 seconds
if it's a pint of custard.
Now, one thing we are looking for this year is a way to
spice up The Apprentice theme tune. Any ideas?
SHE GURGLES THEME TUNE - 'DANCE OF THE KNIGHTS'
I did not think that we could improve upon perfection,
and yet here we are. Cancel the orchestra!
Shall we duet?
HE GURGLES 'DANCE OF THE KNIGHTS'
SHE CONTINUES
Kayode, I understand you're something of a freestyle rapper,
which makes two of us. Are you competitive?
I'm very competitive. That's not even a question.
Technically, it is.
Anyway, I suggest a rap battle. You start.
# This is a freestyle for Apprentice
# It looks like you have an excellent dentist
# I gotta get serious cos you know that I meant this
# I'm gonna take you down like a preying mantis
# I'm here talking on camera
# But for how long? Have you got the stamina?
# She's asking the questions but now I've got to answer
# I'm not a she, you got the wrong gender
# This is a wide-angle camera, freestyle's over. #
Woo! Mic drop!
That was very, very tough to call,
but I think you just pipped me to the post there, didn't you?
All right, I'm second, you're first.
Second place is just the first loser.
All right, mate, kick a guy when he's down.
OK, Sarah, welcome. Anything that I need to know about you?
I talk really loud.
And especially when I'm excited!
It just gets louder and louder and louder.
Yeah, I am a straight talker. I won't beat around the bush.
If I have a problem with you, I'm going to tell you.
You don't need to be... You just need to be straight with someone,
because the problem's solved quicker.
Thanks so much for coming in.
David, tell me about yourself.
By day, I'm a tax advisor.
By night, I am a mobile DJ.
That does explain why you look so tired.
So, David, tell me, what makes you a great DJ?
I make parties happen.
This one is already buzzing.
All right, hit me with a bit of your DJ banter.
Let's do this. It's Saturday night, it's time to get this party started!
Here is Bruno Mars.
Now, David, some people might say that that intro was flat,
dreary and uninspiring, but...
BRUNO MARS: # Lucky for you that's what I like, that's what I like
# Lucky for you that's what I like. #
..you can stay.
Khadija, what are you saying?
My phrase and motto is #YOLO.
Tell me about it - you only live once.
Pretty deep. That is why I got the T-shirt.
Although, apparently it's a bit outdated now.
Like Drake did that in, like, 2005. Whatever.
Oh, really? That's a shame. Have you got an equally snappy
and more up-to-date motto that you live your life by?
Live your life how others can't... how others won't
to have the life that others can't.
Catchy.
Frank, tell me about why you're here.
I'm in this process to win. I'm not in here to look like a fool.
Oh, finally. Someone who's taking this seriously, thank you!
What would you like to tell me about your business credentials?
I smell like success!
OK. I was expecting something a little bit more serious,
little bit more businessy. I mean, you only get one shot at
these interviews, so just be warned, the next thing that comes out
of your mouth does need to tell me that you're a serious candidate.
# But if we all stand up in the name of love... #
You're in!
All right, Sian, what's your idea?
So, my idea for Lord Sugar is to expand my current fashion label.
Which is? Luxury swimwear that I already do.
Oh, sounds good.
Have you thought about trying to get any celebrity endorsements?
Kate Wright wore one, I think she were in Marbella
and it just went absolutely wild.
Well, prepare for your sales to sky-rocket once the public get
an eyeful of THIS.
Smashed it.
Thank me later.
Daniel, tell me something endearing about yourself.
The most I've spent on a night out, combined with me and my friends,
is 30,000 US dollars. Wow, that is a lot of lemonade.
Although, I think you've misunderstood the question.
I'm looking for something endearing about yourself.
For example, you know, what's most important to you?
Drinking the nicest champagne, drinking the nicest wine,
going to the nicest restaurants, driving the nicest cars -
it's all important to me. Mm-hm.
I remember one of the nights we had about 30,000 US dollars behind
the bar. The sparklers coming to the table all night was brilliant.
Behind the sparklers, obviously you get loads of girls
and it's awesome.
But the minute the bottle runs out, the girls disappear, as well.
Ah, ah, ah!
So the moral of the story is that money can't buy you happiness.
So, the moral of the story - keep buying bottles.
I feel like I'm going to cry.
You'd rather cry in a Ferrari than cry in a Ford.
OK, Jasmine, tell me about yourself.
I'm not somebody who runs away with my emotions.
I will always favour logic.
I like the sound of that - someone logical who bases their actions
on cold, hard facts.
Tell me a fact I don't know.
There's a pussycat in everybody that just wants to be stroked.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's not pretty when it happens.
I've got absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
OK, Tom, how would you describe yourself?
I think that I'm a very fair person.
So I think that's why I've got such a good team around me
at a young age and older people trust me,
because I'm fair.
OK, so you're fair. Anything else?
I think that I'm a very fair person and I think that if someone
isn't being efficient, if someone isn't working their hardest,
they're going to know about it. Got it!
You're fair. Already written that one down. That's good.
Anything more interesting about yourself?
When I was a kid, I was quite bad, to be fair.
OK.
Well, you didn't need to add the bit about being fair at the end there,
did you? Because I have already got that bit down.
So, you were a naughty kid?
It really wasn't a good idea, to be fair.
Fair enough. Next!
Sabrina, tell me about yourself.
I'm uber, uber competitive.
I absolutely thrive to be the absolute best in the room.
Oh, yeah? In that case, I challenge you to a competition.
Let's see who can move their hands the most during just
a normal conversation. I'll start.
Erm, tell ME about YOUR business.
So I've always grown up being a tennis player.
After school, I'd go play tennis. Before school, I'd go play tennis.
Tell me more.
I then started coaching tennis and found there was a gap in the market.
Hmm, sounds very lucrative.
Now operating on ten different venues and it's really,
really exciting and growing very, very fast.
It was a close call, but I think I just about...win.
Nice, smiley Sabrina will turn into dragon-like Sabrina
if things don't go 100%.
In that case, you win.
So, Kurran, what are you hoping to achieve with your life?
I'm pursuing an acting career.
That's a passion of mine
and it's what I know I can be the best at.
Oh, you're confident you could be the best actor?
Move over, Robert de Niro.
All right, let's test that range of yours.
Could you give me a hipster spouting absolute gibberish?
My motto for life - vibes speak louder than words.
Your range is astounding. You can play absolutely anything.
Right, let me think of something challenging.
Could you give me...
Ah! A talking mushroom.
I'm a fun guy.
And just like that, I believe that you are a fungi.
You are quite a talent.
One final acting challenge for you.
Can you give me a man who is completely unaware of the concept
of irony? It's like, when you watch The X Factor, people go on,
they can't sing. But they don't know they can't sing.
Right? So, you get those similar sort of people in business.
And he's done it! What a performance!
You may as well just take this Emmy now. There you go.
Camilla, before we begin, I wanted to run one of my ideas past you.
Check this out. It's called Matt's No Naughties Nut Juice.
It's a kind of nut milk.
What are you on the show for?
My business plan is No Naughties Nut Juice,
which is nut milk.
Ah. Little bit awkward.
But I'm sure that the two of us can come to some sort of
mutually beneficial arrangement.
I will bite you if you annoy me or try and steal one of my ideas
and pass them off as your own.
Seems fair.
Rick, what's your strategy?
I think to win people over and keep them on my side.
I will try and be a wolf...
A wolf... A wolf in sheep's clothing.
Keep everyone happy, keep them on my side,
but when I need to I'll just come out and steal everything
from behind them.
Yeah, I think the first rule of being a wolf in sheep's clothing
is not telling people you're a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Next!
Jackie, tell me about yourself.
I am incredibly tight.
Oh, yeah, me too. In fact, we should share some of our
money-saving tips with each other.
We'll only eat dinners where there are vouchers included.
That's a good one. How about this - sometimes instead of paying
for an expensive blow-dry, I just stick my entire head
in a Dyson Airblade.
I re-use zip-lock bags.
Well, sometimes I put shoes on my knees to get children's prices
at the cinema.
I re-use the saline in my contact solution,
which is also really bad for you!
I only drink rainwater!
I'm pretty thrifty.
I know for a fact that I'm the best person possible for Lord Sugar.
Oh, that's a shame, because the application clearly stated
that you had to be 18 or over to take part.
Anyway, how do you know that for a fact?
I know that for a fact because I'm Alex Finn
and no-one else has been Alex Finn before on The Apprentice,
or in the whole world. Hang on. Just checking Facebook.
Yeah, there are 55 other Alex Finns.
I'm going to need more from you.
There's pretty much nothing I wouldn't do to get to the top.
OK, would you run in high heels on a treadmill whilst holding
some jelly and making sure that none of it wobbled off the plate?
I think I'd be able to hold it pretty steady.
OK. Could you walk past a Labrador and not stroke it?
Definitely.
OK. And would you lie in a barefaced manner to get to the top?
For example, if I asked you to describe me, you'd say I was?
Good looking.
Wow.
I'm a complete 12 out of 10 for schmoozing.
I can honestly dig my way into anywhere, please anyone.
Ah, well, I know exactly how you can please me.
Go away.
So, there you go, what a lovely bunch.
If you would like to see the full, unedited version of those interviews
they are available on The Apprentice website.
And, of course, don't forget to watch The Apprentice
when it returns to BBC One.
All of the details are beneath my fingertips.
Thank you for watching. You're a delightful human being.