[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> PRESIDENT TRUMP AUTHORIZED
THE RELEASE OF A MEMO THAT CLAIMS THE FBI IMPROPERLY SPIED
ON HIS CAMPAIGN. DESPITE WARNINGS FROM THE FBI
AND THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE THE MEMO WAS INACCURATE.
BECAUSE IF ANYONE IS CONCERNED WITH ACCURACY IT'S
MR. 239 POUNDS. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS MEMO CAME FROM 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN DEVIN NUNES WHO WAS THE
FIRST PERSON NAMED TO THE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE
IRONICALLY. I WOULD NOT TRUST HIM TO
UNTANGLE THIS CONSPIRACY, I DON'T TRUST HIM TO UNTANGLE
HEADPHONES. I'M TRYING TO PUT MYSELF IN HIS
SHOES HERE, AND IT'S PRETTY EASY BECAUSE HIS SHOES ARE VELCRO,
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANY OF THIS IS ACTUALLY IMPORTANT,
SO I'M JUST GONNA TREAT THIS MEMO LIKE EVERY MEMO I'VE
RECEIVED AT WORK AND IGNORE IT. AT THIS POINT IF YOU ACTUALLY
WANT TO GET MY ATTENTION, THE BAR IS AT PORNSTAR SPANKS
PRESIDENT WITH MAGAZINE. ALSO, THIS IS FOUR PAGE MEMO
THAT -- CHERRY PICKED INFORMATION FROM A DOCUMENT THAT
IS 50 OR 60 PAGES LONG. IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SEE A BLURB
FOR A "TRANSFORMER" MOVIE THAT SAYS "IT BLEW MY MIND" WHEN THE
FULL QUOTE IS "IT BLEW MY MIND HOW HARD THIS SUCKED."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW THAT
DONALD TRUMP DID NOT READ THIS MEMO, IT'S FOUR PAGES LONG, THE
ONLY TIME HE READS FOUR PAGES IN A ROW IS WHEN HE IS ORDERING
BREAKFAST. >>
AND TO PROVE IT HE'S AN ACTUAL CLIP OF DONALD TRUMP EXPLAINING
THE MEMO.
>> BUT I THINK IT IS A DISGRACE WHAT IS HAPPENING IN OUR
COUNTRY. AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT THAT AND
YOU SEE THAT AND SO MANY OTHER THINGS GOING ON, A LOT OF PEOPLE
SHOULD BE ASHAMED -- AND MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> LISTEN TO HIM STAMMER, HE
SOUNDS LIKE COLIN WHEN I ASKED HIM IF HIS FAMILY EVER OWNED
SLAVES. >> CAN WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION
OFF CAMERA. >>> HIS STATE OF THE UNION GOT
FAIRLY POSITIVE REVIEWS. BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE
EXPECT SO LITTLE FROM HIM, SO WHEN HE IS EVEN REMOTELY HUMAN
WE'RE ALL REALLY IMPRESSED. IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU SEE A VIDEO
OF A RAT TAKING A SHOWER AND YOU THINK OH, LOOK, HE IS DOING
HUMAN STUFF. >> SUPREME COURT JUSTICE RUTH
BADER GINSBERG DID NOT ATTEND THE STATE OF THE UNION,
UNFORTUNATELY SHE WAS CAUGHT UP IN A STIFF WIND.
[ LAUGHTER ] AS PRESIDENT TRUMP ENTERED THE
CHAMBER FOR THE STATE OF THE UNION.
MEMBERS OF THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS REMAINED SEATED IN
PROTEST. THEY WERE MOSTLY SILENT WITH AN
OCCASIONAL, "HMPH." I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL,
BUT THOSE ARE SOME VERY ANGRY BLACK FOLKS.
THEY LOOK LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER'S CHURCH AFTER THE CHOIR DIRECTOR
CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP TWEETED THAT HE HAD THE HIGHEST RATINGS EVER
FOR A STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS WHICH, GUESS THIS, WASN'T NOT
TRUE. EVEN FOX NEWS FACT CHECKED HIM
ON IT. YOU KNOW YOU'RE RUNNING YOUR
MOUTH TOO MUCH WHEN EVEN YOUR HYPE MAN IS LIKE, YO THAT AIN'T
EXACTLY ACCURATE THOUGH. >> THAT WAS SO GOOD.
>> IN A NEW INTERVIEW, HE STATED THAT HE WAS NOT A FEMINIST.
HE WAS GETTING ACCUSED OF THAT A LOT?
>> JAY-Z CRITICIZED PRESIDENT TRUMP'S VULGAR COMMENTS ABOUT
AFRICAN NATIONS. TRUMP RESPONDED WITH, SOMEBODY
PLEASE INFORM JAY-Z THAT BECAUSE OF MY POLICIES, BLACK
UNEMPLOYMENT IS AT THE LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED.
YEAH, BUT BECAUSE OF OBAMA, NOT BECAUSE OF THE TERRIBLE JOB YOU
HAVE DONE. IT IS LIKE WIET WOMEN TAKING
CREDIT FOR YAS, QUEEN. NEARLY 100 FEMALE ACTRESSES AND
ACTIVISTS HAVE SIGNED A LETTER SAYING THAT THE "ME TOO"
MOVEMENT HAVE GONE TOO FAR. HERE HE TO EXPLAIN THEIR
CONTROVERSIAL VIEWS --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> DON'T BE TOO NERVOUS BEING
AROUND TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. WE CAN STILL HAVE SOME FUN.
WE WILL NOT DISCOURAGE YOU FROM BEING A MAN.
>> A MAN IS A MAN. AND WOMAN IS A WOMAN.
IF NOT, THEY ARE HOMO. >> WE'RE HAVING FUN LET THEM GET
TO KNOW YOU FIRST. >> SWEETIE, SWEETIE, I JUST
SAID, SHE IS A LEGEND, BRIDGET BARDOT.
>> IT IS AN HONOR TO HAVE BOTH OF YOU HERE.
WHAT IS YOUR MAIN COMPLAINT ABOUT THE ME TOO MOVEMENT?
>> LOOK, LOOK, LOOK IT'S IMPORTANT IN FRANCE TO DEBATE
AND CHALLENGE POPULAR OPINION. FOR ME, I JUST DON'T WANT
ROMANCE TO DIE, BUT IF I WENT TOO FAR, AND HURT ANY WOMEN,
THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NOT MY INTENTION.
>> AND ME, I STAND BY EVERYTHING THAT I SAID, AND I WILL DOUBLE
DOWN, FREE HARVEY WEINSTEIN. >> NO, NO, NO, WOMEN HAS A
BEAUTIFUL BODY, RIGHT? AND MEN HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BODY?
YOU WANT FREEDOM TO EXPLORE. WHY DOES THE WOMEN HAVE A
BREAST? IT IS FOR MALES TO GRAB ON TO?
>> THIS WOMAN, YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO
THINK I SHOULD NOT HAVE ALIGNED MYSELF WITH HER.
>> WHAT CAN I SAY, I AM IMPULSIVE.
I COULD TEACH YOU, COLIN. >> NO, WE CAN'T DO THAT HERE.
>> HE IS HOMO, I TELL YOU. >> YOU KNOW I LOVE HOMO.
MY ONLY FRIENDS ARE YOU AND BIRDS AND THE HOMO.
>> SO MANY OF THE THINGS THIS WOMAN SAYS ARE PROBLEMATIC.
BRIDGET, WE'RE HERE FOR OUR POSITION, REMEMBER?
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS. YES.
WE ARE WOKE. >> YEAH, OKAY.
>> AND YOU THINK THAT WOMEN ARE EQUAL TO MEN?
>> YES, WE ARE EQUAL BUT WE ALSO WANT TO BE DESIRED.
>> I TOLD HER DON'T. WHEN SHE ATTACKS, SHE SCREAMS
EVEN MORE [ MEOWS ]
>> I THINK WE SUMMED IT UP, WE'RE BOTH VERY OLD AND BRIDGET
IS VERY WRONG. >> YOU ARE FREAKING OLD, TOO,
BITCH. >> BRIDGET BARDOT.
>> THAT'S WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, BRIDGET BARDOT AND
CATHERINE DUDUVE EVERYONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]