I had a feeling that-- that Trump might win
because Hillary presented herself as the strict teacher
that follows the curriculum.
And Trump presented himself as the cool sub
that let's you pick the movie.
Like, sure, you don't learn anything,
but fuck it, I'll watch "Twister" again.
That's why I liked Bernie because he always looked like he was teaching science
outside of a college that just fired him.
Like he was on a curb going, "You kids gotta learn about plate tectonics.
Don't trust the text books. They're full of lies!
Scholastic is an evil corporation.
And the book program was designed by Pizza Hut in 1989
to increase fear and obesity."
That's how you do a Bernie impression.
You just go... ( mumbling )
It's like your dad doing an impression of a dubstep song.
Bernie's-- Bernie sounds like someone who doesn't want to eat pussy,
but gets more excited as it goes along.
"I thought that this would be disgusting,
but it is rather quite pleasing.
We have stabilized the clitoris.
Rubba-baby rubba-bumpus."
I mean, I tried. ( stammering )
You know, I voted for Hillary. I did.
Like, I voted for Hillary Clinton with the same amount of enthusiasm
that Steve Harvey has when there's two white families on "Family Feud."
He's like, "I'm not even wearing orange or purple, but just a regular color.
What's a regular person color?"
Lets the mustache go back to its home planet.
I just hope things get better, right?
'Cause we have a president now who's against immigration.
He's against Muslims and Latinos.
Wants to deport everyone. I say screw that.
I support immigration. I support Muslims and Latinos.
- I think diversity-- - ( cheers and applause )
diversity makes this country better.
You want to know why? Because I've had enough white Uber drivers
tell me about their dreams and it's the worst.
I would rather deal with anyone from another country
than a 43-year-old named Jeff who won't shut up about his screenplay, okay?
Here's what I'm saying. We are deporting the wrong people.
That's what I'm saying. You want to make America great again?
Don't send back these hard-working immigrants
who strive to make this country a better place.
Deport every person that ironically paid to see "The Emoji Movie."
That's how you make America great again.
Why don't we build a wall around every person
that says "Tar-jay" instead of "Target"
and acts like they're the only person to do it.
"I'm sorry, Mom, you're going.
You gotta go."
There's just so much unnecessary hate in the world.
You know, people are even hating fictional characters now.
Like, we had the first openly gay Disney character recently,
which I thought was great, but there's people upset about it.
I was wondering who the first openly gay Disney character was going to be.
Was it going to be Timon or Pumbaa, you know?
Were we going to find out that "Hakuna Matata"
was a safe word after all these years?
Was it going to be Aladdin, you know,
♪ You ain't never had a friend in me ♪
And then we found out who it was.
It was Lefou. He's the little guy
from the original 1991 animated "Beauty and the Beast"
who sang about how much he wanted Gaston the whole time.
In the 2017 live action remake, they made him openly gay
and homophobes were upset about this for some reason.
They're like, "Not Lefou!
Not pussy-loving Lefou!
They're taking everything from us."
I love Disney. I'm a huge Disney fan.
My favorite Disney film of all time is "The Lion King."
I love "The Lion King." It's a great movie.
( cheers and applause )
Well, is this-- this more of a "Pocahontas" crowd?
Just conservative about Disney films.
Does anyone remember who the villain in "The Lion King" is?
- Who the bad guy was? - audience: Scar.
You think so?
I don't think it was. I think it was the asshole parents
who named their child "Scar" after he was born with a scar on his face.
'Cause what's his brother's name? Mufasa.
That's a badass name. A tough name, right?
Like, Mufasa sounds like something a cartoon pimp would yell at his hos, right?
"Mufasa, Clarice! Time is money.
Mufasa! Mufasa! Mufasa!"
But Scar? What kind of name is Scar?
"Oh, my God. Look at the scar on his face. We're done."
They would be like, "Allow me to introduce you to my two sons,
Timothy and Cleft Palate."