(upbeat music)
- Holy Danish bricks, Batman!
Last weekend the LEGO Batman Movie
opened in theaters,
and reminded us why we loved
Gotham's caped crusader in the first place.
Now one of the best parts of the LEGO Batman Movie
is the slew of super-villains they managed to include.
Batman, in-arguably, has the best rogues gallery
in all of comics.
And they pulled out all the stops.
Yet, for every Joker, and Poison Ivy,
and Riddler, and Scarecrow,
and Catwoman, Harley Quinn.
There's another way crappier villain
lurking in the shadows.
So in today's episode of The Dan Cave,
we're going to count down some of the best,
worst villains, in Batman history.
Crazy Quilt.
When a painter was blinded
by a gunshot he gained the incredible power
to see exclusively in bright colors, okay?
Which basically turned his world
into a Lisa Frank hell scape.
Driven insane, he did what any one of us would do.
Put on a mind control helmet
that let him show other people
bright lights to dazzle them.
And sometimes shoot lasers.
Look, this dude straight up sucks.
And it looks like he bought his outfit
from his your aunt's Etsy store.
Which, I'm sorry, your aunt's
Etsy store also sucks.
Condiment King.
Batman the animated series,
gave us many wonderful, original characters,
like, Harley Quinn.
It also gave us lame ass characters,
like, Condiment King.
This dude basically wields Super Soakers
full of ketchup and mustard.
And makes a mess, hoping to maybe
give you Anaphylactic Shock, if you're allergic.
He was envisioned as a parody
of the 1966 era, Adam West Batman villains.
But he was just profoundly stupid.
A trait exemplified by the time
he slipped on ketchup,
and nearly fell off a roof to his death.
I wish he had.
Mr. Camera.
Now shockingly, Mr. Camera's not the name
of an electronics store,
or a villain on the tick,
but rather, it's the name of a real villain,
in Gotham City who wears a giant helmet,
shaped like a camera,
and likes to record footage of people,
while he commits crimes.
Now his greatest coup is actually
was actually capturing footage
of Batman and Robin's secret identities,
But he was never able to use it
to blackmail them, because he's so
shitty at what he does,
that it was grainier than the Patterson-Gimlin film,
or this video, if you drop the resolution
down to 144 p.
Can you see me?
Or am I a bunch of pixelated squares?
Polka Dot Man.
Just let the name sink in.
Polka Dot Man.
Does that instill terror into your heart?
Does that make you think,
"Oh, that's a smooth criminal,
"who commits dot related crimes.
"And can turn polka dots
"into various weapons."
No?
Well maybe it should, because that's
exactly what he does.
His costume and powers could be cool, in theory.
But evidently this guy's so incompetent
that Harvey Bullock, of all people,
once beat him to a pulp with a baseball bat.
Not even Batman.
Harvey Bullock.
Get it together dude.
Harvey Bullock.
Ten Eyed Man.
Hey, what's better than two eyes?
You'd probably say three eyes, right?
Well that's dumb as hell
because why stop at three eyes
when you can have ten eyes.
All right, you might be asking,
"Hey Dan, where do you put ten eyes?"
Well, what about on your fingertips,
you know, that old chestnut.
What could go wrong with putting
ultra sensitive, optic nerves,
on your fingertips, chestnut?
Anyway that's basically the MO of
this blinded Vietnam Veteran,
turned shitty supervillain named Ten Eyed Man.
And in case you're thinking like,
"Hey, he sounds like he's got
"a real vision for crime,"
shut up, that's a bad pun,
"No, he doesn't."
Batman beats him by making him catch stuff.
And he's like, "Ow, my eye fingies!"
And then he just, he loses.
This guy sucks.
Penny Plunderer.
Did you ever wonder why Batman
has a giant penny in the Batcave?
Well, it's because of this Grade A moron.
He was a villain who got caught
stealing pennies and then went on
to commit penny related crimes.
It's like the get rich scheme in Office Space,
but on a much smaller, and dumber,
and less effective scale.
And honestly, how threatening can you be
when your true nemesis is a hand cranked
crushing machine found in most museum lobbies.
"No, my pennies!
"Curse you Batman and this machine
"in a lobby that costs 50 cents
"to crush one penny into something
"that has a museum thing on it.
"I suck."
Orca.
Now a lot of great comic book artists
get their start on places like DeviantArt.
But far fewer great villains
get their start on places like DeviantArt.
And Orca, is basically what happens
when you black out while doing LSD
and watching nothing but Hentai for 24 hours.
In short, Orca is a marine biologist
who gets turned into a weird boob whale
after an accident leaves her paralyzed.
And her claim to fame is ostensibly
stealing a diamond known as the
Flame of Persia.
But her real claim to fame is being a weird boob whale.
And no one, and I mean no one,
can take that away from her.
Even though I wish they would.
Egghead.
The legendary Vincent Price played
this breakfast themed buffoon on the
1966 Batman series.
But not even an actor of that stature
can save this character from being
a few eggs shy of an omelet.
Now, ostensibly called Egghead
because he's quote The World's Smartest Criminal.
He quickly proved that theory dead wrong
by using nothing but egg shaped weapons,
like laughing gas eggs, and tear gas eggs,
that were produced by, I shit you not,
a chicken who ate a lot of onions.
Come on Dude.
What are you doing DC?
The King of Cats.
Mrow.
Did you have a sibling who, seemingly,
gets all the credit?
Are you constantly told you should
be more like them?
Do you also secretly want to bang your sibling?
Well, if so, you might be Alister
or Karl Kyle, aka The King of Cats,
Catwoman's crappy brother.
He didn't even stick with the right
naming convention, that's how much
this guys sucks.
No, there was another dude named
Catman, who came along a decade later
and used a giant cat robot,
to wreak havoc on Gotham City.
That actually sounds cool.
The King of Cats sounds like a piece of shit.
At the end of the day,
the King of Cats is just a shining example
of why it's better to be, a, an only child
and b, a dog person.
Kite Man.
Have you ever thought to yourself,
"Wow, I'm like sick as hell at hang gliding.
"You know what I could use this for?
"Crime."
If so, congratulations, you might be Kite Man.
Or also, a monster.
This D Lister is, literally, named Charlie Brown
in honor of everyone's favorite Progeria
addled cartoon child.
His main skill is having total control over kites.
Over kites!
The craziest part of all this,
is that he actually forced Batman
to stoop to his level and strap
a giant kite to his back
that he made out of wallpaper, in his prison cell.
Be happy your parents weren't alive
to see you like this, Bruce.
Because Jesus Christ!
The Baffler.
With a costume that makes my eyes bleed.
And a name that makes me just feel bad,
The Baffler is truly one of the worst
Batman villains of all time.
This goober of a jackhammer operator
turned lowest level criminal,
was basically doomed to fail from the start.
Case in point, during his big villainous moment,
he was delivering an evil monologue
to Robin and Spoiler,
who he somehow managed to tie up.
But then was knocked unconscious
when a bunch of pipes fell,
and hit him in the head.
And I wish the same thing
would happen to me, so I could forget
this poor bastard ever existed.
And those are some of the best,
worst Batman villains of all time.
But tell me, which is your favorite?
What would you add to this list?
Let me know in the comments below,
and give me a super villainous thumbs up.
"While you're there, Batman."
Be sure to like and subscribe
or else you might miss next weeks show.
When we talk about the story of
a veteran MI6 agent, who has to come out
of retirement during the Cold War.
To stop the children of the Nasonex Bee
and Silk Spectre from Watchmen,
Tinker Tailor Soldier SPY Kids.
Until next time, keep on digging.
And special thanks to Ubisoft
and their new melee combat game
For Honor, for sponsoring today's show.
Choose your faction and battle it out
as a member of the Knights, Vikings, or Samurai.
With tons of heroes to choose from
and maps to play on, be sure
you don't miss For Honor, available now.
Go to forhonor.ubisoft.com to learn more
and pick up a copy.
Let's open up the old mailbag, shall we.
@pablom asks, "What movie soundtrack
"would you use to play over your daily life?"
Well, funny you should ask, Pablo,
according to my Spotify,
I listen to Cliff Martinez's Contagion
Soundtrack, on the regular.
It's really great music for when you're
just trying to work.
Or if Jonny Greenwood's, There Will Be Blood
score is just too stressful.
@getswelljones asks, "Now that Stranger Things II
"has a release date, what bits of nostalgia
"are you most looking forward to?"
Well considering they're likely in 1984,
due to the Ghostbusters costumes,
I demand homages to, two of the greatest
films of 1984, Purple Rain and Footloose.
I simply will not settle for anything less
than the power of dance,
stopping the upside down.
@zandernetwork asks, "What is the worst pizza
"topping you've ever had?"
This is a hard one.
I'm not entirely sure, I would blame a topping.
It might have just been the pizza itself.
But I'm not a big fan of Hawaiian Pizza,
specifically the ham.
It's like, "Just be prosciutto or bacon,
not straight up ham."
So yeah, ham sucks.
But tell me, what's the worst pizza topping
you've ever had?
Let me know in the comments below,
and I'll see you guys next time.