- You're going to learn the three steps
to help you tap into
the power of reflective listening skills.
And after the tips, you'll have the opportunity to practice
in real time with me.
So you'll leave this video with some repetitions
and I'll give you some pro tips
at the very end to help you improve on your own from there.
Be sure to look in the description below
for a list of all the other videos on listening that I have
and a link to a free download on the Top 5
Essential Communication Skills for Professionals.
A basic definition of reflective listening is to listen
so you understand what the person is saying
and then reflect
or show the speaker that you have understood them.
And this is why reflective listening is so powerful.
You are helping people feel heard and understood.
I mean, what price would you put
on that if somebody was really hearing you
and really understanding you?
Your reflective listening will also
help the other person get their own clarity.
That speaker has the opportunity to hear themselves talk
through an issue.
Sometimes all they need is a sounding board
and listening like this builds trust as well.
Let's talk about what reflective listening is not.
It's not listening to offer solutions or advice.
Obviously in the course of a relationship
it's possible that advice may come out at some point
maybe even near the end of the same conversation.
But giving advice is not part
of reflective listening specifically.
So if you're a fixer like I am
sometimes reflective listening may be a challenge for you.
You have to resist the temptation
to short circuit the listening process by jumping
in with advice before the other person truly feels heard.
Counselors and therapists
use reflective listening constantly.
I'm not a therapist, but reflective listening can be used
in your personal or family relationships.
If you're a coach, teacher, a supervisor, or have coworkers
you can use elements of reflective listening
in lots of situations.
In fact, you probably already have moments where
you make reflective statements.
If your wife tells you, I finally mailed that package
to my sister, you might reply, you did it.
If your best friend says, this project is such a weight
on my shoulders, you might reply, it's a heavy load.
Those are little reflective statements
and reflective listening just dives deeper
into those waters.
So here are three steps.
Then we'll practice, and I'll finish with some pro tips.
First, your top priority will be to listen carefully
to understand the other person.
We'll usually be listening for this struggle,
but we could also be listening for good news as well.
But just realizing in the first place that the situation
calls for some reflective listening is part of this.
Unless you're a counselor, when a person walks in the room
and starts talking, it's not always clear what
the other person needs from you.
So as they talk, listen to understand the big picture.
You might be able to tell that something's bothering them
and they may be generally upset.
For example, you can sense that they have a challenge
or difficulty that they're going through.
That's usually a first indicator
that you should go into reflective listening mode.
This is where you say to yourself, okay
something's bothering them.
Now let's do some reflective listening
and see where it goes.
So I'm starting with this point
because for the average listener, it's not always obvious
that a conversation is going to go in this direction.
You might normally be in problem solving mode.
Either way, once you realize the conversation calls
for reflective listening, then listen
for anything that gives you clues
about this specific emotion
or cognitive struggle they are experiencing.
Second, make a reflective statement.
What exactly is bothering them?
Your goal is to understand their emotions at the same level
of sophistication that they're expressing them.
If all you can express is that they're feeling sad or down
then start there and reflect that.
But if you can tell specifically
that they are anxious, insecure, or hurt,
then you'd reflect back to them
that level of detail and nuance.
Maybe they're showing signs of being conflicted,
having mixed or layered emotions.
Whatever it is, you take what you've noticed
and make a short statement that reflects back
what you're hearing.
The goal of your statement is to show
that you are trying to understand them
and it also gives them the opportunity to
express themselves a little further.
Here are some starter samples
and will practice these together in a couple of minutes.
I'm going to fill in the emotions in these samples
but these samples work virtually for any struggle.
It sounds like you're feeling disappointed,
you're feeling helpless about it, you felt embarrassed.
Those reflective statements are all
about different emotional words.
The speaker likely already said that you're reflecting back
to them, but some people are more likely to tell you
about how they think versus how they feel.
For example, they might be struggling cognitively
about a big decision
or trying to understand what's really going
on in a situation.
So here's what a reflective statement sounds like.
When the person is talking about what's on their mind
you sound like you are weighing your options.
You're not sure what to make of all of it.
It sounds like you're not ready to pull the trigger.
Whether you're talking
about their emotions or their thoughts,
let's point to some quick commonalities.
First, these are all statements which we'll explain more
in a minute.
They're also concise and that's important
because when you're listening reflectively
the other person is the one talking almost the entire time.
So keep your part concise.
Here are some additional sample starter sentences.
You're wondering if, for you it feels as if.
And then you would of course fill in the rest
of that statement with whatever you're hearing from them.
Common question I hear is, well
what about asking them questions?
Well, yes, you can ask questions
to clarify your own understanding
in the course of the conversation.
That's part of effective listening generally.
If asking a question helps you
understand something better than ask,
you can also make reflective statements
and add a small tag sentence.
Here are some samples.
Let's assume you just made your reflective statement
and you can add a brief tag.
Am I tracking with you?
Is that accurate?
Am I understanding you clearly?
Tag questions can be a helpful way to
invite the other person to clarify
or tell more of their story, but here's the key.
The part of your statement that mirrors their
struggle is what makes this reflective listening.
The act of asking a question is not
what makes it reflective listening.
Reflective listening is all about restating
and clarifying what the other person has already said.
In fact, if this were a video specifically for counselors
we would probably advise you not to ask a lot
of full-blown questions when you are
in reflective listening mode.
But quick tag questions may be helpful
if it fits your style.
So here's the heart of it.
You can see
in the few samples we've looked at so far, you're a mirror.
You're not telling them what you believe
you're not speculating
about what you think they're really feeling.
You're not directing or steering the conversation
to where you think they should go or trying to
provide your own label or reframe their experience.
You're not trying to change their mind
or help them see things differently.
I say this because I know a few people who almost
immediately try to reframe or spin anything I say
to them so then they know how to deal with it better.
That's not reflective listening.
Remember what I said earlier, you're not trying to fix them.
A good reflective statement simply restates or offers back
exactly what you believe the other person is saying.
The basic impression that you're getting
there's a neutrality to it.
It's concise, reflective listening isn't easy
but when you see it in action
it's much more straightforward than most people realize.
And third, after you have offered a reflective statement
you go right back into pure listening mode
and let them respond.
You zip it and let them talk in other words,
and this is really simply going back
to step one, but I'm calling it step three
because this is a process, and when you see yourself
going back into pure listening mode that completes
the circle, the other person is now responding
to what you have reflected, your feedback.
Step three is not offering advice.
In other words, you're listening and giving them
the opportunity to process and respond to your reflection.
The speaker will usually react in one of two ways
or sometimes in between.
They'll either show agreement, yeah, I'm incredibly
frustrated about it, or maybe they'll clarify, well
I wouldn't exactly say frustrated.
I'm just annoyed that it's taking so long.
And then the conversation would continue and you
would continue listening.
And even if you're a little off
in your reflective statement, you're still helping them
explore and increase their self-understanding.
When you pitch back what you heard them say
that gives them the opportunity to look at what
they're experiencing at arm's length.
They might even use the word anxious, but when they
hear you reflect that word anxious back to them,
they have the opportunity to ask themselves
is that really what I'm feeling?
That reflective process leads
to more clarity for the speaker.
As the conversation moves forward
you just go back into step number one
and repeat that a few times in the conversation.
You listen carefully to understand
and get an impression of what the person's feeling.
You make a reflective statement and then you go back
into pure listening mode as they respond.
Let's practice this together.
I'll summarize the situation I'm dealing with
and I'll put some sample reflective statements
up and you'll practice your responses out loud with me.
Again, listen for the feelings or the mental struggles
your reflecting back what you hear.
We'll do three quick scenarios
from easiest to most difficult.
Scenario one is the easiest.
Let's say I come to you to talk about why I've been so busy
for the last six months and how it's taking a toll on me.
And somewhere in my story I say
I feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
In your mind, what am I feeling when I tell you this story?
Identify my emotion and pause the video if you need to.
Now you'll reflect back what you've heard.
Say this out loud with me and fill in the blank
with whatever emotion you sensed I was experiencing.
It sounds like you are feeling you are about that.
You feel if you said anything close
to exhausted or overwhelmed, then you're right on track.
And that was designed to be the easiest
because I literally said I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
You may have had to adjust your sentences a little bit to
match what I was saying, but if you said anything close
to exhausted or overwhelmed, then you're right on track.
That was designed to be the easiest because I literally said
that I was exhausted and overwhelmed.
But again, even if you used another word
that would give me the opportunity to clarify
and keep talking from there, and even
though these statements sound really straightforward
if you were the person speaking
and somebody did reflective listening
you would feel heard and understood.
So it doesn't sound like you're saying much
but it absolutely makes a difference to them.
Scenario two is a little bit more difficult.
In this scenario, I won't label my struggles as clearly
and I'll give you what I'm feeling and you come up with
an appropriate name and reflect that back.
So here's the scenario.
I've come to talk about an important decision
I need to make that's tearing me up.
I don't know if I should take job A or job B.
In your mind, what do you believe I am feeling?
Identify my struggle and pause the video if it helps.
Now reflect back what you heard.
Say these statements allowed with me and fill in the blank
with whatever emotion you believe I'm experiencing.
It sounds like you are feeling.
You are about that.
You feel.
If you said anything
like it sounds like you are torn, conflicted, or ambivalent
then you're on the right track.
I didn't tell you all the pros
and the cons of job A versus job B
but you could tell that I didn't know which one to choose.
Scenario three will be the most challenging.
And here's a hint for you.
Sometimes people feel more than one emotion.
Maybe there's something positive and something negative
and that's what's happening here in this scenario.
So here it is, I'm moving
to a new location a few hours away to take advantage
of a professional opportunity.
On the positive side, it could be huge for me.
I think I'll excel in this role
and that gets me fired up.
On the negative side,
I don't know anybody in this new community
and I'll be far from all my friends and family.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle that.
So in your mind, what do you believe I'm feeling?
Identify both sides of my struggle.
And pause the video if it helps.
Now reflect back what you heard.
We're only going to do this with one statement
so do your best to fill in the two blanks allowed with me.
It sounds like you are feeling both.
And now the good news is.
There are multiple right ways to answer this.
Here are a few good ways to reflect back what you've heard.
It sounds like you're feeling both positives
and negatives about this move.
It sounds like you're feeling
both excited and nervous about this move.
And even if you simply said you feel conflicted
or you feel mixed emotions
those are still pretty good reflective listening statements.
And feel free to rewind
and practice the three scenarios again
because simple starter sentences can be used
for almost any situation and it'll help you get repetitions.
Here are some pro tips to help you get better at this
as you move forward.
First, reflect back
at the same level of nuance they are expressing.
Reflective listening can feel so simplistic at first
that you may feel stupid
saying these reflective statements.
To you, it might seem really obvious
to say you're feeling anxious
or it sounds like you're feeling depressed.
And on the one hand, that might be true.
If the person is talking about their struggle
for five minutes and you oversimplify it too much
by saying you feel bad, then yes, Einstein, I feel bad.
That's so obvious.
It's probably not helpful.
To avoid that overly simplistic feeling,
do your best to understand and reflect back to them
at the same level of sophistication that they are
showing you.
That might mean you reflect back the various reasons
for how they're feeling or reflect back the most
pivotal details of what they've just said.
Just be sure to be concise and not take
over the conversation and that takes practice.
Now, on the other hand, you might be surprised
at how helpful reflecting a basic emotion can be
for some people.
I was talking to somebody the other day who
to me seemed obviously depressed, but they never
realized it themselves.
They told me that their therapist had said to them, it seems
like you're feeling depressed.
And that was a very helpful reflective moment for them
in their therapy session.
And that leads to pro tip number two,
build your vocabulary for emotional and cognitive dilemmas.
For example, you may want to Google emotion wheel
and you'll see a circular diagram
with basic emotions on the inside
of the wheel and increasingly differentiated emotions
each layer moving outwards.
So sad would be a basic emotion
but loneliness is a more specific type of sadness.
Scared is a basic emotion
but anxious or embarrassed or more specific than scared.
So as you improve your vocabulary of emotions
you'll be able to reflect back the emotions
that people are experiencing with more precision.
That adds clarity and adds value
because the other person will feel truly heard
and understood.
And third, reflective listening is truly in art.
These are fundamental skills
but you will get better and better at those skills
the more you do them.
You might feel a bit like a robot at first
but practicing will make it feel more natural.
Your timing will be better.
Your non-verbal cues will be better.
Those are good components of active listening
and all the related skills that you'll get better
at with practice.
You may feel more relaxed in time
and that'll help the speaker relax as well.
So go out there
and start practicing reflective listening so
you get better at it.
Be sure to download that free PDF I mentioned
about the five essential professional communication skills
that all professionals should have
and a list of other listening skills that I've made.
Until next time, thanks.
God bless and I will see you.