You're tired of the pain and struggle in your relationship, and you maybe asking yourself,
"Should I get a divorce?"
I'm gonna help you answer that question today by asking yourself some questions.
Hi, I'm Carol Tuttle, author, healer, teacher.
I was gonna say, best-selling author.
I have written six books most recently, "Mastering Affluence: 6 Lessons to Create a Life You
Love."
And I highly recommend this if you're in that experience of struggle in your relationship
that's gotten to the point that it's so painful that you're asking the question, "Maybe the
only way to end this is to get a divorce," because, really, what you're tired of is the
pain.
And I have a beautiful section in here on how to create relationship affluence.
How to bring your relationship alive.
I am an expert on answering the question, "Should I get a divorce?"
You see, my husband and I, we've been married 38 years.
We've probably cycled through a painful space with each other.
A very, very challenging and difficult space at least a half a dozen times over the years
where we actually asked that question.
We wondered if that was the only way to eliminate the blame, the conflict, the struggle, the
way we triggered each other so profusely and so repeatedly.
It got to the point where we would get into a pretty predictable place of struggle, and
angst, and arguing, and blame.
And it'd get heightened, and it gets so frustrating that we even would just say, "We should just
record this and press the play button because we're doing it over, and over, and over."
And so I understand that pain, that place of feeling so powerless and so trapped by
your relationship.
And it is so easy to blame the other person.
And so recognize that the reason you're asking the question, "Should I get a divorce?" is
because you wanna eliminate the pain, the struggle, the discontent from your life, and
you're realizing that's the only way to do it.
Now if you're in a situation where someone's been unfaithful, there's been extramarital
affairs, there's been lying, cheating, there's some things for you to look at yourself as
well that we're gonna go over today.
That, why would you be with someone that would create that experience in your life.
So the first step is to own it all as your story.
Your relationship is your story that you're producing.
You're crafting it.
You are at the nucleus of this.
The more I could bring myself back to that place of awareness to say, "This is my creation.
I am manifesting this.
This is all a byproduct of my conscious and subconscious beliefs and my patterns that
I've acquired through life.
And now it's getting mirrored back to me, and I don't like it, and I wanna blame somebody,
and I wanna get out of this."
So we got to a place where it was the last time we cycled through this.
It was several years ago, probably five, six years ago, and we felt very defeated by our
experience.
Very, just surrendered.
We didn't even have the energy to blame each other anymore.
We hardly had the energy to raise our voices, but we still felt that sense of being trapped
in a relationship that we did not feel loved and supported.
And the thing that had kept us going through the years was, we had a, both my husband and
I had a keen awareness that we would take our energy with us obviously and our story
and most likely cast someone new in the role of playing the partner and create a lot of
the same stuff that we would never get away from it because we would take it with us.
And I've seen so many people in my therapy and practice over the years that had multiple
marriages because they recreated some version of the same story.
So we would always come back to that place of self-accountability and say, "I'm gonna
own this, and I'm gonna change myself and work on our partnership skills and communication
so we can stay together because why not?
Let's work this out together."
We were drawn to each other in love, let's bring the love alive.
Let's keep bringing the love forward.
So ask yourself these questions.
The first question is, because this may be perpetuating the energy setting you up for
divorce.
You are running a pattern, an energetic pattern.
And the first question is to look beyond your own life experience and say, "Is there a history
of divorce in my extended family?"
If you're a child of divorce.
If it's in your ancestral line.
There's a pattern that was, that pattern preceded you.
That energy is alive.
You're a carrier for it.
Is that setting you up to create angst, dilemma, struggle, and pain in your relationship so
you can create the pattern of divorce?
Because as you clear that, you free yourself to create harmony, love, and support in your
relationship.
So if your answer is yes, there it is.
I can help you clear that, this book.
The second question to ask yourself is, "Do I believe my spouse will never change?"
If you see that there's things that your spouse is choosing that are not supportive to your
desires and what you want to experience in a partner and they'll never change, you're
projecting that energy onto them and keeping them captive in playing that out for you.
You're very, very powerful.
And as you project out that perception, they will never change.
You'll make yourself right.
Notice that.
Do you think it?
They'll never change.
They did it again.
Do you speak it to people?
Well, you know, I wish they would do that, but they would never even consider it.
They'll never change.
So how deep does that belief go?
Because as long as you're projecting that out, they won't change.
So open the space.
I am starting to believe my partner is willing to change, willing to take accountability,
willing to open themselves up.
Start believing that.
The third question, "Do I have a history of not being supported by men or women?"
I had that history.
I come from a family of predominantly male family members.
I have no sisters.
I have three brothers, my father, my mom.
My mom was a very subordinate, very traditional role as a female.
The man was in charge.
My mother really was second to that, and that wasn't a reference point for me as the kind
of female experience I wanted to have and be, and especially in a relationship.
So I grew up not having support from men with men all around me.
I wasn't hurt.
They weren't there for me.
They weren't interested in my well-being or my interests in life, still really aren't
very much.
My father since passed away, I never had...I can count on one hand the amount of times
my father in my adult life initiated a phone call with me to say, "Hi, I'm calling to see
how you're doing."
He didn't do that.
And so, something that I go back to that I even have to continue to catch myself and
running the belief of, "I'm not heard, and I'm not supported by men."
See, if you're running that, if that is a program you run from your childhood, if you're
male and you run it about women, if you're female and you run it about man, you're gonna
create that in your current relationship.
It won't matter if you leave this experience and go create another one.
You'll create the same thing because you're taking that with you.
So you gotta clean that up.
I have clearing sessions for that at healwithcarol.com.
And the fourth question is, "Do I believe divorce is the only way out?"
Like, "The only way I'm gonna get free of this trapped feeling is to get a divorce."
Again, there's no out.
You've gotta go within.
Go within to create the out.
Mean, what's going on inside here in your beliefs, your feelings, and even your spiritual
perception of your experience, you've got to change that in order to change out here.
And the last question is, "Do I believe my spouse is no longer the love of my life?"
You know, that's a big one because you start thinking, "They're not..."
You know, "They're not my soul mate."
Maybe you felt some connection or bond with somebody else, and this is like, "They're
truly the love of my life."
Well, I'm a firm believer that there's one love of your life.
Right after you watch the video, I want you to go stand in front of a mirror, and I want
you to meet the love of your life.
It's you.
It's not somebody outside of you.
It's not some one person that's gonna make you feel more whole.
That is such a misconception.
That, in my opinion, the whole soul, my soul mate, that is overrated because you're gonna
create angst, and issues, and stuff with anybody.
You're gonna marry each other, guarantee it.
You know, the early phase of any relationship is pretty hunky-dory, but it always...that's
why the media, movies, I'm like, "I wanna see this couple in 10 years, man when they're
going after each other."
It's not gonna look so great.
You know, the whole night shining armor, the mystique of that, you know, the woman of my
dreams, like, you are the love of your life.
Fall in love with yourself.
As you love and accept yourself and start to meet your own needs and feel the wholeness
within you, people show up differently, and that partner in your life starts to love you
differently and more authentically.
And you let go of these needy hooks you put into people, "I need you to be this for me.
I need you to do this."
Get rid of the word 'need'.
You need yourself.
You need to love yourself.
It's time to do that.
Go look in the mirror and say, "Ah, there you've been all along, the love of my life."
It's amazing to fall in love with yourself and to become your own best friend.
So answer these questions, and you're gonna be able to say, "Should I get a divorce?"
We got back to that and said no.
We actually made the decision one day we're gonna get a divorce.
We sat there in our bedroom, and we looked at each other and said, "Well I guess we should
just decide.
Let's get a divorce."
It was instantaneous that both of us got a massive download, a hit, an insight.
We were both told the feeling overcame each of us independent of one another.
"You are not to divorce each other.
You are to divorce the energy you keep creating in your marriage."
And we looked at each other and went, "Did you get that?
Did you get what I...?"
You know, we both knew we did.
I'm like, "No, that's not the answer.
We need to divorce the energy that we keep creating."
We have successfully done that, and that's why I could even write about it in this book,
and how we did it to create partnership, love, and harmony in your relationship because you're
gonna have the same challenge with anybody.
If both parties are willing, make it work with each other.
Subscribe to my YouTube channel to get my weekly Heal With Carol videos.
Like this video, and share in a comment how it helped you, and if you have any questions.
And go to healwithcarol.com and start clearing your own stuff, healing what's going on in
here because it changes what everything looks like out here.
Thanks for watching.