THE HAIR IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
YOU READY TO DO THIS?
ONE, TWO.
PHEW!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S YET ANOTHER HISTORIC DAY IN AMERICA.
AND, AS USUAL WITH DONALD TRUMP, IT AIN'T THE GOOD KIND OF
HISTORY.
KEN BURNS, I'VE GOT YOUR NEXT PROJECT: "THE CIVIL WAR 2: HALF
THE CIVIL, ALL THE WAR."
FOR A WEEK, AMERICA'S STREETS HAVE BEEN FILLED WITH PROTESTERS
ENRAGED OVER THE MURDER OF GEORGE FLOYD BY POLICE, WHILE
TRUMP SAID PRACTICALLY NOTHING.
BUT LAST NIGHT, AT 6:45, HE FINALLY APPEARED IN THE ROSE
GARDEN TO CALM A TROUBLED NATION BY THREATENING MARTIAL LAW.
>> I AM MOBILIZING ALL AVAILABLE FEDERAL RESOURCES, CIVILIAN AND
MILITARY, TO STOP THE RIOTING AND LOOTING, TO END THE
DESTRUCTION AND ARSON, AND TO PROTECT THE RIGHTS OF LAW-
ABIDING AMERICANS.
IF A CITY OR STATE REFUSES TO TAKE THE ACTIONS THAT ARE
NECESSARY TO DEFEND THE LIFE AND PROPERTY OF THEIR RESIDENTS,
THEN I WILL DEPLOY THE UNITED STATES MILITARY AND QUICKLY
SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR THEM.
>> Stephen: SO, IN RESPONSE TO PROTESTS ABOUT POLICE BRUTALITY,
YOU'RE THREATENING TO SEND IN THE ARMY TO CRUSH THEM.
THAT'S LIKE FORGETTING YOUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY AND APOLOGIZING
BY SENDING IN THE ARMY TO CRUSH THEM.
TRUMP EXPLAINED HIS DECISION: >> I AM YOUR PRESIDENT OF LAW
AND ORDER.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "BOTH ORIGINAL AND 'S.V.U.'
I'M ALSO YOUR PRESIDENT OF 'CSI: MIAMI,'
'NCIS: LOS ANGELES," AND "PAW PATROL."
SO YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT OF LAW AND ORDER, AND WHAT ELSE?
>> AND AN ALLY OF ALL PEACEFUL PROTESTORS.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
AS LONG AS THEY'RE WHITE, HOLDING AN AR-15, AND SCREAMING,
"I WANT A HAIRCUT!" THEN THE PRESIDENT WENT BACK TO
HIS LAW-AND-ORDER THEME.
>> ONE LAW AND ORDER.
AND THAT IS WHAT IT IS-- ONE LAW.
WE HAVE ONE BEAUTIFUL LAW.
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND!
IS IT POSSIBLE TRUMP THINKS WE HAVE ONLY ONE LAW?
THAT'S WHY HE'S BROKEN SO MANY?
( AS TRUMP )
AGAINST RIPPING OFF THOSE MATTRESS TAGS, AND EVERYTHING
ELSE IS THE PURGE!" HAVE AT IT!"
TRUMP ENDED THIS EVENT WITH THIS CLIFFHANGER:
>> NOW I'M GOING TO PAY MY RESPECTS TO A VERY, VERY SPECIAL
PLACE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Stephen: A SPECIAL PLACE?
WHERE?
WHERE COULD HE BE GOING?
IT'S LIKE HE'S HOSTING A REALITY SHOW, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SEE
THE FULL CLIP: >> NOW I'M GOING TO PAY MY
RESPECTS TO A VERY, VERY SPECIAL PLACE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> COMING UP ON "AMERICA'S GOT DICTATOR," DONALD REVEALS HIS
VERY, VERY SPECIAL PLACE TO KHLOE KARDASHIAN AND ONE OF
JOE EXOTIC'S TIGERS AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM BUFFALO WING SLIMS:
NO JUSTICE, HOW ABOUT A SIX-PIECE?
>> Stephen: NOW, IT TURNS OUT, TRUMP'S VERY, VERY SPECIAL PLACE
WAS THE HISTORIC ST. JOHN'S CHURCH, WHICH HAD BEEN DAMAGED
IN PROTESTS OVER THE WEEKEND.
ONE PROBLEM: THERE WAS A CROWD OF PEACEFUL PROTESTERS IN THE
WAY, SO HE HAD MILITARY POLICE OPEN FIRE WITH RUBBER BULLETS,
FLASH GRENADES, AND TEAR GAS.
NOT ONLY IS THAT A HORRIFIC ABUSE OF THE OFFICE OF THE
PRESIDENCY AND OUR MILITARY.
THE TEAR GAS WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.
WHEN PEOPLE SEE TRUMP WALKING TOWARD THEM, THEY NATURALLY
CRY AND VOMIT.
AND WAIT A SECOND, DIDN'T TRUMP JUST SAY THIS:
>> AN ALLY OF ALL PEACEFUL PROTESTORS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "DID I SAY 'ALLY'?
I MEANT 'A LIE.' AS IN, RIGHT NOW I AM TELLING
A LIE."
NOW, HERE'S HOW BALD THIS DISPLAY OF AUTHORITARIANISM IS.
WHILE HE'S GIVING HIS SPEECH IN THE ROSE GARDEN, YOU CAN
ACTUALLY HEAR THE MILITARY FLASH GRENADES EXPLODING IN THE
BACKGROUND.
>> WHERE THERE IS NO LAW, THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY.
( EXPLOSION )
"AND WHERE THERE IS LAW, OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS... YOU IN THE
HEAD WITH A BILLY CLUB, OR JUST SHOOTS YOU IN THE NUTS WITH A
RUBBER BULLET."
ONCE THE PATH WAS CLEARED FOR CAESAR'S BRAVE SHAMBLE, TRUMP
MADE HIS WAY ACROSS THE STREET TO THE BOARDED-UP CHURCH, WHERE.
HE, WITH VISIBLE CONFUSION AND DISCOMFORT, GROPED A BIBLE.
( AS TRUMP )
WHEN I WAS SWORN IN.
LET'S SEE IF I CAN REMEMBER.
HOLD THE BIBLE, AND THEN YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.
IS THAT IT?
AM I EXTRA SWORN IN?
AM I PRESIDENT DOUBLE STUFFT?"
THEN A REPORTER ASKED TRUMP ABOUT HIS LITTLE PROP THERE:
>> IS THAT YOUR BIBLE?
>> IT'S A BIBLE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T HAVE A BIBLE.
MY BASEBALL, AS ALWAYS, IS "HUSTLER" MAGAZINE.
THIS THING IS THE MOST BORING MAGAZINE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CENTERFOLD WHICH IS TOO BAD
BECAUSE I HEARD BETH SHIBA HAD A PRETTY SWEET CAN."
SO TRUMP LEFT HIS SPEECH IN THE ROSE GARDEN, HAD THE MILITARY
CLEAR THE STREETS, SO HE COULD COME TO THIS CHURCH.
HE MUST HAVE HAD SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT TO SAY TO
HAUL OUT THE AUTHORITARIAN HOBNAIL BOOTS.
SO A REPORTER ASKED THE PRESIDENT WHAT HE WAS THINKING.
SPOILER ALERT: NOT MUCH.
>> THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW, MR. PRESIDENT?
>> WE HAVE A GREAT COUNTRY.
THAT IS MY THOUGHTS.
>> Stephen: GREAT COUNTRIES?
THAT'S YOUR THOUGHTS.
FINALLY, TRUMP REVEALED HIS TRUE REASON FOR THE MISSION: A
PHOTO OP WITH HIS ALL-WHITE ADVISERS.
NOW, REPORTEDLY, THE REASON TRUMP WANTED THIS MEANINGLESS
PHOTO WAS BECAUSE "HE WAS UPSET BY COVERAGE OF THE FACT THAT HE
HAD BEEN RUSHED TO THE UNDERGROUND BUNKER ON FRIDAY
NIGHT."
NOT SURE IF HE THOUGHT THAT ONE THROUGH.
( AS TRUMP )
THEY?
I'LL SHOW THEM.
QUICK, GO ASSAULT A BUNCH OF PEACEFUL PROTESTERS.
DADDY'S GOTTA FROWN IN FRONT OF A CHURCH AND HOLD A BIBLE LIKE A
FLY SWATTER."
KEEP THOSE BIBLES AMBULANCED, PLEASE.
NOW, NOT EVERYBODY LOVED TRUMP'S PHOTO OP.
FOR INSTANCE, THE BISHOP OF ST. JOHN'S, MARRIAN BUDDE.
SHE CALLED INTO ANDERSON COOPER LAST NIGHT TO EXPRESS HER
FEELINGS.
>> THE PRESIDENT JUST USED A BIBLE, THE MOST SACRED TEXT OF
THE JUDEO-CHRISTIAN TRADITION, AND ONE OF THE CHURCHES OF MY
DIOCESE WITHOUT PERMISSION.
AS A BACKDROP FOR A MESSAGE ANTITHETICAL TO THE TEACHINGS OF
JESUS AND EVERYTHING THAT OUR CHURCHES STAND FOR.
AND TO DO SO, AS YOU JUST SAID, HE USED TEAR GAS BY POLICE
OFFICERS AND RIOT GEAR TO CLEAR THE CHURCH YARD CAN.
I AM OUTRAGED.
>> Stephen: SHE'S RIGHT TO BE OUTRAGED.
IN FACT, I'M SURE THE BISHOP WOULD'VE TRIED TO BLOCK TRUMP
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, SHE CAN ONLY MOVE DIAGONALLY.
>> CHECK AND MATE!
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT LIKE TRUMP'S A CHURCH REGULAR,
AS THE BISHOP TOLD CBS' GAYLE KING ON "CBS THIS MORNING" THIS
MORNING.
>> DOES PRESIDENT TRUMP GO TO THAT CHURCH, YOUR CHURCH, ON A
REGULAR BASIS?
>> NO, NO.
I MOAN, HOSE AND THE ONLY TIME HE'S BEEN TO
ST. JOHN'S, TO MY KNOWLEDGE, WAS RARELY IN CHURCH.
ON THE MORNING OF HIS INAUGURATION.
>> Stephen: IT WAS MEMORABLE, BECAUSE TRUMP DESCRIBED IT
AS, "THE BIGGEST CROWD IN CHURCH HISTORY.
THE MOST PRAYERS, WAY MORE PRAYERS THAN OBAMA.
AND I ATE ALL THOSE LITTLE CRACKERS.
KIND OF DRY.
COULD'VE USED SOME SALSA.
BUT I DID LIKE THAT STATUE OF BUT I DID LIKE THAT STATUE OF
KID ROCK IN A DIAPER DOING THAT SWAN DIVE."
NOW, BISHOP BUDDE WAS AT HOME WHEN TRUMP PULLED THIS P.R.
STUNT, BUT MEMBERS OF ST. JOHN'S PARISH WERE PRESENT, INCLUDING
RECTORS AND CLERGY, WHO THROUGHOUT THE DAY WERE OUTSIDE
THE CHURCH HANDING OUT WATER BOTTLES AND GRANOLA BARS TO
PROTESTERS AND EXPRESSING SOLIDARITY WITH THEIR CAUSE.
AS ONE SAID, "WE WERE LITERALLY DRIVEN OFF THE ST. JOHN'S,
LAFAYETTE SQUARE PATIO WITH TEAR GAS AND CONCUSSION GRENADES AND
POLICE IN FULL RIOT GEAR."
ALSO, "A VISITING PRIEST WAS SPRAYED WITH TEAR GAS AS SHE
TRIED TO HELP SCARED DEMONSTRATORS LEAVE THE AREA."
IT REMINDS ME OF JESUS' STIRRING WORDS IN THE BEATITUDES:
"BLESSED ARE THE PEACEMAKERS.
AND TO PROTECT THEM, COULD WE GET SOME U.N. PEACEKEEPERS IN
HERE BECAUSE THIS GUY'S CRAZY."
TRUMP TRIED AGAIN TODAY WITH A VISIT TO THE ST. JOHN PAUL II
NATIONAL SHRINE, WHICH GOT A HARSH REBUKE FROM WASHINGTON
ARCHBISHOP WILTON GREGORY, WHO RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING,
"I FIND IT BAFFLING AND REPREHENSIBLE THAT ANY CATHOLIC
FACILITY WOULD ALLOW ITSELF TO BE SO EGREGIOUSLY MISUSED AND
A MANIPULATED IN A FASHION THAT
HAD VIOLATES OUR RELIGIOUS
PRINCIPLES, WHICH CALL US TO DEFEND THE RIGHTS OF ALL PEOPLE,
EVEN THOSE WITH WHOM WE MIGHT DISAGREE."
WOW, THAT IS THE WORST REVIEW OF A RELIGIOUS EVENT SINCE MY
MIDDLE SCHOOL'S PRODUCTION OF "GODSPELL."
I FORGOT MY LINES AND IMPROVISED.
THAT NIGHT, JESUS KNEW KUNG FU.
SSORRY JOWDUS, THIS TOIM I WIN.
THE PRESIDENT WANTED ANOTHER RELIGIOUS PHOTO OP, BUT THIS
TIME, INSTEAD OF A BIBLE, HE BROUGHT MELANIA.
AND WHEN THE PHOTOS BEGAN, TRUMP SEEMED TO TELL THE FIRST LADY TO
SMILE.
A RELIGIOUS CEREMONY, CAMERAS, THE PAINED LOOK ON HER FACE--
IT'S ALWAYS SO SWEET TO WATCH A COUPLE REENACT THEIR WEDDING!
SO TRUMP WANTS TO SEND THE UNITED STATES MILITARY IN TO
YOUR CITIES TO STAMP THIS DOWN.
AND NOW YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF, "CAN HE EVEN DO THAT?
HOW COME YOU NEVER SEE THE MILITARY KEEPING ORDER IN U.S.
STREETS?" THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL.
THE "POSSE COMITATUS ACT OF 1878 PROHIBITS THE DOMESTIC USE OF
MILITARY FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT PURPOSES WITHOUT SPECIFIC
CONGRESSIONAL AUTHORIZATION."
SO, ACCORDING TO POSSE COMITATUS, TRUMP NEEDS CONSENT
FROM CONGRESS.
UNFORTUNATELY, DONALD TRUMP NEVER ASKS BEFORE HE GRABS US BY
THE POSSE.
AND, YESTERDAY, TRUMP HELD A PHONE CALL WITH THE NATION'S
GOVERNORS TO THREATEN TO HELP THEM.
DURING THE CALL, HE UNLEASHED U.S. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE AND
NEIGHBOR WHO WAS ALWAYS SO QUIET WE NEVER IMAGINED WHAT WAS IN
HIS BASEMENT, MARK ESPER.
ESPER EXPLAINED HOW THE PROTESTS MUST BE QUELLED.
>> I THINK THE SOONER THAT YOU MASS AND DOMINATE THE
BATTLESPACE, THE QUICKER THIS DISSIPATES, AND WE CAN GET
BACK TO THE RIGHT NORMAL.
WE NEED TO DOMINATE THE BATTLESPACE.
>> Stephen: LET THAT SINK IN.
THE UNITED STATES SECRETARY OF DEFENSE IS CALLING THE
PARKING LOT AT THE K.F.C. "THE BATTLESPACE."
"DON'T SHOOT!
HE'S NOT REALLY A COLONEL!
IT'S JUST JIM GAFFIGAN IN A WIG!"
SO THE U.S. MILITARY MAY SOON BE DEPLOYED AGAINST U.S. CITIZENS.
LISTEN, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU DON'T WANT TO LAUNCH A LAND
INVASION IN AMERICA WITHOUT A CLEAR EXIT STRATEGY.
THAT'S A QUAGMIRE.
YOU'LL NEVER QUELL THE LOCAL PEOPLE.
THEY'RE TOO HEAVILY ARMED.
AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE PRESIDENT PROVES THEY'RE NOT
READY FOR DEMOCRACY.
NOW, TRUMP'S IDEA OF PITTING THE U.S. MILITARY AGAINST U.S.
CITIZENS HAS OUR NEIGHBORS WORRIED, BECAUSE TODAY, WE HEARD
FROM CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER AND COVER MODEL FOR A ROMANCE NOVEL
CALLED "THE LUSTFUL LIBRARIAN," JUSTIN TRUDEAU.
DURING HIS DAILY PRESS CONFERENCE, TRUDEAU WAS ASKED
ABOUT THE SITUATION IN THE U.S.
>> YOU'VE BEEN RELUCTANT TO COMMENT ON THE WORDS AND ACTIONS
OF THE U.S. PRESIDENT, BUT WE DO HAVE DONALD TRUMP NOW CALLING
FOR MILITARY ACTION AGAINST PROTESTERS.
WE SAW PROTESTERS TEAR-GASSED YESTERDAY TO MAKE WAY FOR A
PRESIDENTIAL PHOTO OP.
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.
AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO COMMENT, WHAT MESSAGE DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE SENDING?
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LONG PAUSE.
I HAD THE TIME TO GROW THIS LUXURIOUS AND MYSTERIOUS
MUSTACHE.
DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER?
>> WE ALL WATCH IN HORROR AND CONSTERNATION WHAT'S GOING ON IN
THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: WOW!
RIGHT NOW, CANADA IS THAT GUY WHO HAS TO CHECK IF THE
DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR GOT EATEN BY HIS CATS.
AND HIS CATS HAVE TANKS.
WOE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL TALK WITH KEEGAN MICHAEL KEY.
I'LL ALSO BE ZOOMING WITH AUTHOR AND HEAD OF "THE ROBIN HOOD
FOUNDATION," WES MOORE.