What's up, you miracle, you? Er, been a minute, where we at?
Kingdom, right? We're still doing Kingdom? We're still doing King- oh, thank Christ.
So, how about that Transformers Kingdom, huh? Pretty great on the whole, right?
Like, we got a decent Magnus and Galvatron out of it, couple of solid Voyagers and decent Deluxes,
Core class is droppin' some baby bangers,
but - and I hate myself for this - the Beast Wars bunch just ain't doing it for me.
And I can't really pin down exactly why, 'cos I do have love in my heart for Rhinox and T. rex Megatron and the gang,
but in terms of what I'm actually interested in buying, I just cannot bring myself to give a crap about the beasties.
I mean, Intergalactic's a bop, obviously, but I'll just stream it.
And today, I do hope you'll join me in resignedly prioritising G1 like a scrub
as we take a squint at the ostensible crown jewel of the Kingdom toyline, and the year's only Titan-class Transformer!
Which, again, I've had a weird time with the Titans too -
do I like anything? How unpleasable am I?
But here's what it is about the Titans - they're overwhelmingly either awesome but weirdly uncomfortable combiners
or they're just an enormous boring man with an even boringer base mode.
And I just have no time for base modes! They are my least favourite thing about Transformers.
I know I bring this up every time, but it's pretty much all I've got left!
'Cos toys so rarely have light piping anymore,
spring-loaded gimmicks are a thing of the past so I can't do the Captain Planet thing,
I'm not funny anymore,
pretty much all I've got left is my dislike of Iron Maiden and base modes. Just let me have this!
So hallelujah and thank the Hasbro heavens for a standalone Titan-class figure that hasn't f**king got one!
Yes indeed, give it up for a rare action figure based on an in-universe vehicle -
this is the Transformers Kingdom Autobot Ark!
Now then, the Ark, as I'm assuming we know, is the spacecraft the Autobots used to ditch Cybertron
in the earliest beginnings of the original series, and several times since;
it's been a steady legacy titbit for years and years,
and it's kinda become a mascot for the whole Kingdom thing-dom, and the trilogy at large?
Like, it shows up all over the artwork, both in the wonderful Drew Struzan-ass container collages
as well as in the Beast Wars dino eyeball, with like the fakeout vertical pupil smoke trail?
God, I love that.
And it of course provided a bit of stakes-raising denouement when it turned into a big robot in the Netflix show, spoilers,
which I don't wanna say was a good show, but it was the best of a bad bunch, right?
Is that mean?
Mm... I think it's as fair as we can get.
But enough with the foreplay! Let's get stuck into this big-ass dish of a bish!
Yes friends, get you a faceful of this fantastically full-figured space freighter in all its frame-filling fabulosity!
It is large. It is yellow. It is large and it is yellow.
It's friggin' Large Simpson, smothered in largarine.
Now, amazingly, this monumental motherlover is actually the first proper toy of the Ark
apart from like, little bullshit-ass Titanium miniatures and low-key brilliant Movieverse Mighty Max playsets
which is honestly kinda stupefying, considering what a quintessential piece of Transformers mise-en-scene
the bloody thing is. And it's definitely got that old-school matte painting vibe down -
I feel like everything Autobot-coded was always orange and either curved or sloped and uniformly VERY greebly.
'Cos check it out! The surface is just sizzling with visual interest like a mosaic of ILM-ass sci-fi details and tasty texturing!
Loving the little domes and turrets and highlighted pipes and the particularly prevalent patterning on this massive nose point!
I love that that's canonically a giant laser gun.
Special shoutout to the bridge windows there - like, that really brings the whole thing to life!
Just the tiniest hint of interior -
and your imagination kinda fills in the rest! You can just believe in the internal bustle going on in there.
You can picture corridors and loading bays and turret stations, just from that one tiny peek!
It's all you need, and we appreciate it.
Anyway, the colours are crushingly creamy but just varied enough,
with like a couple of blue contrasts and some tasty gunmetal lowlights to break up the absolute blanket of bright orange,
like 64 slices of American cheese.
Just a touch of crusty re-entry heat damage 'round the edges there - I don't mind that! It's not overpowering, and it's appropriate.
'Cos we rarely ever see the Ark when it's not getting pelted by meteorites or plundered by baddies
or crashing into a mountain, or having already crashed into a mountain.
It'd be weird if it wasn't filthy.
Back end's beefy and bold with bootylicious boosters blasting a sizzlin' cyan smoky-eye
that really sells the spacefaring scope of this thing!
Gotta say, I'm much less into the secondary bridge tailplane, or whatever that is.
I just feel like it really throws the scale off. Like, THAT's how big the windows are. Who's hanging out in there?
Micromasters? Babies!?
And its heartbreaking hollowness definitely spoils the aft view.
I don't hate it, but I have noticed it tucks away very cleanly, and I'm not mad about that.
Worse still, though, are the cavernous corner-office non-wings.
Like, you got these whole egregious naked knees just clearly visible? It's just so not a good look!
I get that there's the practicalities and realities of designing a transforming toy to a budget and a parts count,
but there's just zero attempt to conceal the guts of it. These little chunks of wing flair here actually come separate in the box
so they're really giving me extra snap-on accoutrements which actively make the toy look worse!?
Lads! Give yourself a chance!
And, I mean, that can't be sensible craft design, can it?
Just having these whole exposed, flow-blocking walls right there? That can't be aerodynamic!
Although, would it need to be aerodynamic in space? No wonder it crashes so much!
Anyway, much as I relish a toy this big whose alt mode can stand conveniently in space-saving uprightitude
and doesn't demand that you sploot it out over your entire coffee table every single time,
Metroplex,
it does have just enough going on to justify giving it a bit of space and a lie down, maybe just once or twice.
Like, first of all there's these three fold-out foot squares to ground it graciously, along with this cheeky spring-loaded foot ramp.
That's fun, right? I mean, it's not much, and it doesn't lead anywhere, but it's fun!
And if you're so inclined, you can pop the top for a close-up creep at this almost impossibly tiny bridge diorama
with all little workstations and consoles, and like, this central navigation bogie bulb.
And let's not neglect this little fleck of paint that is allegedly Optimus Prime.
Yeah, suck on that, Stratosphere. He am the smallest. I'm about to inhale that.
I mean, it does look a bit goofy, just piled on this central stack here next to an extremely visible head and exposed crotch -
Oh wait, no, that's his ass. Ha! Even better.
- but it's neat, y'know? It's there, it exists, they really did it, you can glimpse it through the window, it's kinda cool!
It's hardly a selling point - simply a tiny treat for the curious.
So, much as the Ark is deeply imperfect, it does kinda work the magic, y'know? It weaves the wonder!
Like, it just feels cool and chunky and fun to handle,
it's got the same energy as, say, one of the bigger GI Joe vehicles, or like, the Millennium Falcon
'cos it's VERY big and VERY eighties. It has that aspect of being awesome, and almost too big to deal with?
Like, I'm a child right now, and isn't that part of it? Isn't that kinda what we're doing, adult collectors?
Isn't that the end goal of the continuation of a franchise rooted in nostalgia?
That fleeting mental escape to your carefree childhood years when the pressure was off,
you could just sit down on the carpet and just enjoy something.
It gives me a sense of tremendous well-being.
Arklife.
Whew! (nervous laughter)
So, true to form, the Ark's transformation is refreshingly undemanding -
that is, it's a good time, but it's not a puzzle. It's not difficult. It's not exactly Ark Souls 3.
Can't say I love how it feels - like, the construction's okay, but the materials don't exactly give me life.
Like, things feel a bit thin in spots, the joints creak and snap rather more uncomfortably than I'd like,
and I've never managed to do it without these catches popping off.
But on the flipside, I'm living for these wrist and shin panels that flex organically with the movement!
Look at that. Like a breathing machine!
And that's pretty much Ark all over - quality ideas, the best of intentions, but scratty as shit around the edges.
'Cos check it out, the robot mode's certainly a tall glass of weak orange drink!
First of all, I gotta say I love what they did with the design, 'cos the Ark isn't a person, is it?
It's a vehicle. It's a location, mostly, stickin' its damn booty out the side of that mountain all season long.
That ain't much of a... character Ark.
So where DO you go with it? How do you turn an object into a person?
Fortunately, it's Transformers and that's what happens in that.
And the design of big Ark Ruffalo here definitely echoes the energy of our favourite long-suffering space crawler!
Not so much a war machine as a titan of industry, purpose-built for the kind of humungous jobs that would otherwise take an army,
boasting a badge-themed face and a severe sulky stare imparting the fatigued yet fearsome feels of a long-dormant rust giant.
Like, that head is just sullen as shit, with its fabulous fanfare of Fanta-flavoured light piping,
built-in implied trapezius, and cheeky chinbeard, like a younger me.
I also definitely dig that they so clearly did the same thing as with Brunt,
'cos like, Brunt was never a robot before, right? Just a tank. Just an accessory. A bit.
So for the update, they busted out a robot mode based off something from the comics
and in the case of big Ark Wahlberg here, it's the Last Autobot, isn't it?,
and Goddamn, if that doesn't elevate the vibe!
It just feels like somebody gave a crap behind the scenes by digging that out!
Ark needs a robot mode? Last Autobot. 'S gotta be. Totally what I would have done!
As a fan, as a lifelong fan who grew up with the Marvel comics, we simply love to see it.
Anyway, as for the rest of it, I'm definitely getting strong Animated Omega Supreme vibes
with the between-boob bridge block and the giant visible boosters
and, y'know, the fact that it's a massive spaceship that's a dude now.
Marvel at the might of this honkin' great body slab! Just a vertical chunk of Cybertronian beefcake
with Tidal Wave-ass turret pimples.
Can't help but feel like Animated Omega would be a dead easy Gen Selects rework and just a huge win!
Look, if Black Zarak can happen - just sayin'. Fingers crossed.
Anyway, the shoulders are some serious peaked power pads, piously pointed like gothic church windows
perched upon gloomier industrial guts that suggest a sort of underlying charcoal endoskeleton.
Like, check out the aggressively visible hip joints and super skinny bodybuilder waist!
It's almost like he's just wearing the Ark like a poncho.
And the legs definitely style it out, balancing these mechanically necessary silly weedy thighs
with colossally deep calves and simply stunning shin engines!
Articulation's - oohhh, so noisy - aaahhh! - but supposably solid.
Like, especially in the upper part. The hands are just, mwah! Chef's kiss.
Like, it's posable to the point that it can actually recreate the baddy-grab boxart
in a way that instantly validates both the Ark itself and the existence of the entire Core class!
May I offer you a cheeky Decepticon? So gratifying!
But again, it does feel a bit ropey! The weight of the joints is jarringly varied -
like, the shuddering strength of the shoulders definitely overpowers the effortlessly easy-going elbows
and I gotta say this yellow outer shell feels real flimsy in places!
Like the plastic is all right quality, I'm not worried about it,
but it just doesn't have that same premium sheen that you'd expect from a top-shelf Transformer.
I mean, say what you want about Fort Max, but, he feels good! Y'know? Boy's heavy.
You can feel the quality there. You can guess where your money went. But this guy? It's just not hitting the same.
And that's kinda your lot!
I feel like there should be more to say about a thing this big but there's not, really. It's just a big Transformer, and that is it.
And that's fine!
You know what it is, don't you? It's 'cos he hasn't got a shoehorned tertiary base mode.
I cannot emphasise enough how much I value him not having that
'cos I know I wouldn't have enjoyed it and it would have made me like the toy less.
It'd be a whole ordeal, I'd have to clear the table and get some other lads involved to maximise enjoyment of every last feature.
Two big modes and one tiny diorama and I, for one, am buzzin'.
Anyway, the eagle-eyed viewer out there may have spotted me
Pepper Pottsing a certain glob of yellow out of this thing's chest cavity.
It's not just any glob - not simply a microscopic cockpit sound stage -
this, my friends, is an action figure of Teletraan-1!
Yes indeed, not content to simply provide long-overdue plastic presence to the Autobots' primary transport and de facto home base,
the Hasbro bods opted to package it with a superb set-dressing sidekick based on the plot-piloting dupercomputer, Teletraan-1,
once again bringing all the marvellous micro detail and blanket orange vibes
that were such hallmarks of the original show's aesthetic!
I mean, check out this console, man. The readouts look insanely good - you got the world map and the Matrix and Vector Sigma and the Ark itself
along with all manner of heads-up bleep-bloop nonsense that I cannot begin to guess what it means.
Like, what's that? What's that gauge there? What's this? What's any of this? Doesn't matter. Looks cool.
Gotta say, though, this is the ultimate only-looks-good-from-the-front mode.
From the top or the side - just forget it. It's practically two-dimensional.
Look at the back of it! You just got this whole robot skeleton holding it up like a scarecrow. Like an ashamed Atlas.
Hands drooping down, knees all embarrassed...
Because yes, in unprecedented scenes, they've done it again! They've only gone and given Teletraan-1 a robot mode!
That's right, baby, this is Transformers Generations Mainframe! Just the naked fact of what this is makes me so happy.
It's a toy of an in-universe computer that transforms into a computery guy from the Action Masters. That is pitch perfect!
I mean, it's not the most orthodox Autobot -
nor is it an amazing figure, objectively.
Like, it's kinda Voyager height but more of a Deluxe complexity - noticing a pattern -
and he's certainly slathered with panels all down his back, with just the whole cockpit right there,
complete with tiny versions of his own alt mode.
Like, imagine if Prowl had little tiny police cars on his back! I think I'd like that.
There's yet more panels clumpin' up his arms and boggin' down his legs, like big-ass JNCO jeans.
Reckon I would have enjoyed a more Mainframey colour scheme, as well - bit of red, bit of blue, but we're vibing, we're surviving!
'Cos the parts of it that are Mainframe are framazing! Love the chest panel with like, computery bits and the speaker cone,
and this featureless face somehow conveys a cheeky charm with this sort of hairdo/helmet
and particularly with that deep drenching of honey mead light piping!
Not to mention he comes absolutely stacked with every prop that ever existed.
Like, look at this! We got the Sky Spy from G1, the friggin' Golden Discs from Beast Wars,
and this thing that I'm convinced is a baby-sized Vector Sigma.
I dunno. It's a yellow round thing from the Transformers. It's probably Vector Sigma, right?
Or the Allspark, or the Matrix? Oh, potato potatrix.
And it all stores away safe and snug in his backpack. He's like a friggin' filing cabinet of Transformer lore
made out of another chunk of lore and stored inside an even bigger bit of lore. It's a friggin' loregasm!
Also there's some contractually-obligated blast effects. I don't know what these are adding at this point.
Like, big Ark Zuckerberg can't really do a lot with 'em and Mainframey Winehouse certainly can't.
I feel like they just ordered them for the table. They're for the room! Go on, be bad. Have a couple.
So however you feel about Ark, you gotta say that Mainframe is a wonderful addition to the basket!
'Cos I would've been perfectly content if it was just a chunk of him, just a block of his belly that folds out into Teletraan-1,
that would have bee fine. But baby, they were not shootin' for fine! They really went the extra mile here!
They gave it a ton of in-universe accessories and a whole-ass robot mode based on an obscure deep-core fan fave character
from the downslope years!? I haven't seen anyone react to Mainframe with anything short of absolute delight. No fan could be mad!
God, so, do you know what I mean!? Big Agatha Arkness here has kind of redefined Titan class, at least for me,
and definitely made me appreciate it a bit more.
'Cos I feel like there's always this whole weight of expectation with the really giant figures that, it's finally here!
It's finally arrived to blow your tiny mind and bring meaning to your pitiful, unfulfilled life
and it's my job to hype it up and pay tribute and declare it the most impactful toy in the history of toys!
It's a lot of pressure, y'know?
"Ooh, you got one? It's good, isn't it? It's brilliant! Isn't it brilliant? Don't you think it's brilliant?"
YES! God.
I feel like, with the addition of Donnie Arko here, the Titan Class has kinda settled into itself a bit.
I even find myself enjoying the big city boys a bit more now retroactively because there exists something at this scale that just gives me what I want.
Simply a big-ass normal robot with a cool Transformery spaceship mode,
dripping in bonus DVD extras and not really expecting that much from me?
Doesn't it kinda feel like gigantic toys aren't even really a big deal anymore?
I haven't gotta sit here and explain that "oh, did you know, this is the fourth tallest Transformer toy that's ever been made ever",
it doesn't matter! It's Titan class! We get it. Big bot. Big vibes. Big f**kin' deal. Relax.
Ugh. So where are we at? Is the Autobot Ark amazing? Not really.
Is it worth a hundred and sixty pounds? Probably not, honestly.
It's wildly flawed, but it's fun, and I like it, and it's reinvigorated me in ways I didn't know I needed!
'Cos, y'know, ya boi does get a little fed up with Transformers. Sometimes it's touch and go whether I'm gonna continue,
but this is what it's all about, baby.
It's an inventive, interesting way to incorporate a crucial piece of Transformers history into the toyline in an active way.
Several pieces. Friggin' Teletraan-1? Mainframe? The Ark itself, the Last Autobot,
it's everything, are you kiddin' me!? I love this. Of course I do. How could I not?
Look at this. Look at this! Brilliant! I mean, it's kinda shit, but it's brilliant.
I am fully re-invested in Transformers, and that shit is priceless. And so are you, gorgeous.
Knock 'em dead, baby. Peace!
Oh, we did it! Hey! We finished one. A Titan-class review, no less!
Thank you so much, everybody, for sticking with me. I know I'm simultaneously very good at this and very bad at this.
So huge shoutouts to Tenacity Bethke! I hope I'm saying that right.
I appreciate your support so much every day. Back soon. Keep it real, kids!
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Limited appeal, keepin' it real.