Platypus: Muack!
Muack!
Neil: Platypus, I know you can't understand me since my human-animal speech therapy didn't work
but if you could, you would be very excited!
Because you are about to be the first to test my new deep throat tonic.
Platypus: Muack!
Neil: If this works
every awkward kid with an ear-piercingly annoying voice could go straight to having
the deep commanding voice of a mighty
lumberJACK! [voice cracked]
[coughs]
[growl]
[crunching]
[gulp]
Platypus [deep Lumberjack tone]: Muack.
Neil: Holy shit, it worked!
This is the greatest scientific discovery in the history of...
of...
That's odd.
Usually, Nikki would have run in and ruined everything an hour ago.
Nikki: Hi, Neil.
Sorry I'm late. Daylight savings, you know how it is.
Neil: Did you drink my experimental tonic?!
[belches]
I give it a 3 out of 10 for taste, but a 7 out of 10 for presentation.
Neil: Nikki, I still don't know what effect this tonic has on humans.
How are you feeling? Say "ahhh...".
Nikki: Aaaaah.
Neil: Hmm, your voice isn't lumberjacky.
Nikki: I'm fine.
[stomach growls]
Wait, actually, my tummy does feel a little funny.
Neil: Oh-ho God, are you serious?!
Oh, that's it, I'm done for!
I'm gonna have my future degree revoked!
Max: What's going on?
Neil: Nikki drank my untested tonic and now her stomach is exploding!
Max: Relax, Neil. She probably just needs to fart or something.
Nikki [off-screen]: No, this isn't like a poop pain.
This is like
alien pain.
Max: Ugh, fine!
Guess we should go get an adult then, or Gwen and David.
Neil: NO!
If Gwen and David find out, they'll kick me out of camp and right into prison.
I'll never survive there, Max.
Look at me.
Listen to my voice!
Nikki: Owwwwwww...
Max: Well, what do YOU suggest we do?
Are you sure about this?
Dolph: I'll have you know, I am the best pretend doctor in my field.
Now, tell me what's wrong.
Nikki: My insides feel all twisted, like Twizzlers
but HORRIBLE, like Red Vines.
[pat]
Dolph: Tsk, tsk. Oh, no, this is no good.
Nikki: No good? That sounds bad!
I'm afraid it is a case
of death!
[gasps] Max: What?
Neil: How long does she have, doctor?
Dolph: I'd say until the end of the day.
Maybe a bit less since, you know, daylight savings.
Nikki [off-screen]: End of the day?!
[sighs]
Dolph: This part of the job is always a hardest.
There there.
[humming]
♪♪ Ohhhh ♪♪
♪ There's a place I know that's tucked away ♪
♪ A place where you and I can stay ♪
♪ Where we can go to laugh and play ♪
♪ And have adventures every day ♪
♪ I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals it's true ♪
♪ Camp Campbell is a place for me and you ♪
♪ We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees ♪
♪ Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees ♪
♪ There's endless possibilities ♪
♪ And no, that's not hyperbole ♪
♪ Our motto's "Campe Diem", and that means I'm telling yoooooooou ♪
♪ We've got archery, hiking, search and rescue, biking ♪
♪ Horseback, training that'll save you from a heart attack ♪
♪ Scuba diving, miming ♪
♪ Football, limbo, science, stunting ♪
♪ Pre-calc, spaceships, treasure hunting ♪
♪ Bomb defusal, no refusal ♪
♪ Fantasy, circus trapeze ♪
♪ And fights, and ghosts, and paints, and snakes ♪
♪ And knives, and chess, and dance, and weights ♪
♪♪ It's Camp Camp ♪♪
[♪♪ funeral music ♪♪]
Max: Isn't this a bit much?
Nikki: I wanted to push for carnations, but lilies are definitely the right call.
Nerris: And this is just the beginning, Nikki.
We all planned a whole day of amazing stuff for your last day on earth.
Nikki: Aww, you guys. That's really-
[deep groans]
[struggles] -sweet.
So what are we doing?
Neil: Well, we've already got your tearful eulogy straightened out
and for your will, you gave all your earthly possessions to Quartermaster.
Nikki: He seems lonely.
Nurf: And I made you this.
~swish~
It's your official last meal, just like the one they gave my mom's friend
before they electrocuted her in front of her family.
Nikki: Fooooooood!
Nurf: Whoa!
I would not think of dunking corndogs in an ice-cream burrito.
Interesting choices, madam.
Nikki: Mmm-mmm!
[belches]
What can I say?
Dying really make you have some weird food cravings.
Ered: Come on, Nikki. I planned you an obstacle course, so extreme
you might die before actually dying!
Nikki: Oh! Okay!
Neil: I sure hope Space Kid is keeping the counselors preoccupied.
David: Gwen, are you sure this is the right pick for movie night?
Gwen: Um, yes!
Horror Death Camp is the best!
David [off-screen]: Aren't the campers a little too young to watch this?
It says it's rated Z.
Gwen: Nah, they can take it.
I watched these types of movies all the time when I was a kid
and I turned out great.
David: Mm-hmm.
Space Kid [thinking]: Thrust into his first official space mission
the young astronaut boy knew he would not disappoint his team.
David: Uh, hey, Space Kid, did you need something?
Space Kid: Uhhhhhh...
Space Kid [thinking]: Come on, Neil. Remember what Other Neil told you to do.
Oh, if only his voice was deeper and more commanding.
Gwen: Is he having a stroke?
Space Kid: Gwen, David.
What happens when you die?
[boing]
Gwen: I don't get paid enough for this.
David: What do we tell him? The pearly gates? The giant farm in the sky?
I think we should be honest.
Look him in the eye and explain very gently that there's likely no God and no afterlife
but if there is, then we're probably all going to hell.
[gasp]
David: Have you ever been on a farm?
Nerris: Hear ye, hear ye!
The princess of Campelonia is approaching.
Princess Nikki: I kind of thought I'd be more of a fierce warrior elf.
Riding my killer unicorn, Darkness!
Nerris: No, Nikki, this is your day.
You get to be the main princess character while I'm your dutiful wizard.
Princess Nikki: Oh, okay!
So I'll be the warrior princess of-!
Nerris: Oh no!
The gentle lovely princess is being held captive by the ugly orc!
Max: No, I'm not doing that.
Nerris: Take that, Orc!
Defeating the hideous orc, the princess now runs free
to the arms of the mighty wizard: Nerris the Cute.
The princess runs to the wizard!
[Nikki groans] Nerris: Nikki?
Nikki!
[off-screen] Are you dead already?
[Nikki groans]
Nikki: Sorry, I just feel kind of drained.
Like all the blood vanished from my body.
Dolph: Ah, the first signs of ghostification.
Nurf: Get this girl a meatloaf, stat!
Nikki [winded]: With extra chocolate, please.
David: And if you're very good your whole life
you might be reborn as something wonderful.
Like an aardvark or a music producer!
Gwen: That's dumb.
If anything, you just get reincarnated as a hotter version of yourself.
I have to believe that's true.
There's no way this is all there is.
Space Kid: That's neat.
Regurgitation sounds fun.
Gwen: Close enough.
Space Kid: But, what happens if you're bad?
[boing]
Nikki: I hope Preston's play is better than Neil's two-hour presentation
on donating my body to science.
Max: I'm sure it's not.
Nikki: I hardly notice my stomach pains anymore.
Dying really puts you in perspective about earthly discomforts.
Max: Maybe you're actually feeling better?
And it's not as serious as Dolph, The Child Doctor, initially said.
Nikki: Nope, I feel it flowing through my body.
Like some sort of oozing sensation.
One day when you're this close to the end, you'll understand.
Max: Nikki, stop!
This was entertaining when it was a way to freak out Neil
but you're going way overboard.
You're not really dying, this isn't really happening
and this whole day was just a big huge waste of everyone's time!
[Nikki sobbing]
Max: Hey, you.
Don't, uhh...
Tears?
Nikki: I AM DYING, MAX!
[inhales] YOU JUST DON'T CARE BECAUSE YOU'RE SELFISH
[inhales] AND YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!
[inhales] THAT'S WHAT SELFISH MEANS!
:o
Max: Woah.
Nikki: Wow! Sorry. I don't know what came over me.
I guess this whole morbid experience has got me all emotional and moody.
And now Preston Goodplay presents, a Preston Goodplay production.
By Preston.
"Neil": Here you go, Platypus.
Drink one of my lame geeky potions.
God, I suck.
"Platypus": I do not understand this casting decision.
[chokes]
"Nikki": Whoa, I am so very parched!
Ohh!
This tonic shall soothe my aching thirst!
[thud]
Alas, the potion has but increased my aching!
"Max": That's dumb, Nikki. I hate everything.
Nikki: Ha ha, that's you!
"Dolph": I'm efraid it is und case uf daff!
"Nikki": Nay!
"Max": Nothing is wrong, I trust no one, and I don't care about anything.
[gong]
Quartermaster: End of Act one.
"Neil": Even though I usually suck hard, today I will try to be fun for you, Nikki.
"Max": Fun? I hate fun.
"Nikki": Shall you not even rejoice for my sake
one last time, Maximillian?
The final song bodes for me, good sir.
And so, I part!
Hurk!
Blaaaaaah.
"Max": You're fine. Not like I care.
I'm gonna get tacos.
Quartermaster: Never was a story more grave than that of Nikki and Preston the Brave
and his great play which everyone loved.
[clapping]
Nikki: That was amazing!
Though the third act kind of dragged. I give it a 7 out of 10.
[groan]
Max: Nikki, look, I'm sorry about being a jerk.
You're still probably not actually dying, and this is all still dumb.
But, I ignored how you were feeling, so
I'm sorry.
You were right, I was selfish.
I think all of us were kind of selfish.
"Nikki:": Excuse you! I put on an entire play which everyone loved.
"Neil": Yeah, we did things!
Max: But did any of you ask her what SHE wanted to do?
"Max": Hmm, I guess we all focused on what we thought would be the best last day ever.
Nikki: Yeaaaaaah, but it's cool.
All I really wanted was to spend my last day alive with all my friends.
And I did!
Max: Okay. Well, you can at least still pick how you want to go out.
This is 100% Nikki!
How do YOU want to end this lame excuse of an existence?
Nikki: Come on, Max, I don't need anything flashy.
I'm finally at peace, and I'm ready to leave this world with humility and grace.
The secret is lots of gasoline!
David: So, that's what happens according to Dante's multi-level structure of the afterlife.
Does this make sense?
Space Kid: Wow!
So, which religion was right?
Gwen: Enough!
Look, Space Kid
we don't really have a good answer for you.
Truth is, we don't really know what happens when you die. It's a mystery.
David: Yes, and that's okay.
It's perfectly fine not to have all the answers.
Gwen: So next time you have a big question
just ask someone else.
Space Kid: Huh, I guess I get it now.
We just have to wait until the death comes to know what it entails.
David: Precisely.
Space Kid: Oh, great. I'm gonna go tell Nikki she can die in peace now.
David/Gwen: Okay. Wait, what?!
[shot fired]
[splash]
Nikki: Come on! Hit me already!
Nurf: This is harder than it looks!
Gwen [off-screen]: Stop!
David: Kids! I'm concerned about the amount of times I've had to ask this
but, why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?
Nurf: Neil poisoned Nikki so we're burning her body like Vikings!
Neil: Dude!
Gwen: Nikki, are you really dead?
Nikki: Yes.
Gwen: Okay.
Nikki: Really! I'm gonna die any second.
My tummy feels better, but the bleeding is getting worse.
Gwen: Bleeding?
Nikki: Yeah! I put a bandaid on it, but it is persistent!
Gwen: Those stomachaches, were they weirder than usual?
Like, it's a punishment for everything you've ever done wrong?
Nikki: Yeah, like all my insides were fighting each other.
Gwen: Odd food cravings?
Nikki [muffled]: Yes. All day!
Gwen: Mood swings?
Nikki: WHAT?! No. SHUT UP!
[cries] Gwen: Oh, Nikki.
Come with me.
Neil: So Nikki's not dying?
Gwen: Nope. She's just growing up.
Nikki: What? No, that's even worse!
Gwen: This is what happens when we avoid telling them things.
They try burning each other on flaming boats.
David: I read you loud and clear.
Come on, kids, who wants to watch a movie?
[kids cheering]
[movie screams]
[kids screaming]
Neil: I'm glad my tonic didn't kill you.
Nikki: Yep! I'm just in something called a period.
I can bleed forever and never die!
Space Kid: Whoa, really? I want a period, too!
David: I guess our kiddos are growing up faster than I thought.
Gwen: Yep. Like I said, don't be afraid to be honest with them David.
Space Kid: Hey, David. When will I get MY period?
[quietly moans]
[Richie Branson - "Bucket List"]