(audience applauding)
- Girls, okay, do you remember the first time
you found out about blow jobs?
Do you remember that day?
(audience chuckles)
It should be a different day than
the first day you gave a blow job.
(audience laughs)
I hope those were vastly different days for you.
Hope you had a lot of time to process that information.
I know I needed it.
I was um...
The day I found out about blow jobs,
it was a pivotal day of my life.
It was, I remember the date actually.
It was September 11th, 2001,
and I don't know what else
(audience laughing) happened that day.
(audience laughing)
Devastated.
I couldn't understand it.
At first, I go, "Blow job?
"Blow, do you blow on it?"
'Member that?
'Member for a couple seconds you'd go,
(audience chatters) "Do you blow it?
"Ugh."
(audience laughs and claps)
You wish.
You wish (audience laughs)
that's all you had to do to it.
(audience laughing)
Oh-ho, that'd be a cake walk.
(audience laughing)
It's much more invasive than that.
(woman in audience laughing)
Blowing on it, ugh.
No, I couldn't believe you have to like suck it.
(audience laughs)
You have to like French a dick (chuckles).
(audience laughs)
I thought I could maybe like (smacks lips) "Mwuah".
Like peck it.
(audience laughs)
You gotta French it.
(audience laughs)
All I knew about penises at this point in my life
were that they were these noodle-y things that
hung between a guy's legs.
They pee from them and you shouldn't look
at your cousin J.D.'s
when you guys're getting changed
to go swimming. (audience laughing)
Like that's all the information I had about penises.
And now, (chuckles) one's gonna go in my mouth?
(audience laughs)
Okay, I knew that sex was a thing.
A penis would go in my vagina someday.
But, it's my vagina.
Like I don't have taste buds down there
(audience laughing) or whatever.
Like stick whatever you want down there,
I can't taste it.
Okay? (audience chuckles)
So I was like, who cares?
About my vagina.
But my mouth?
That's where candy goes.
(audience laughing)
I can't believe you'd put a dick there.
(audience chuckles)
I was devastated.
(audience laughs)
And you kind of go, "Maybe I don't have to do it.
"Maybe it's something not every girl does."
And then you realize it's kind of your destiny.
(audience laughs) As a woman.
(audience laughing)
Like you're gonna do it.
(audience chuckling)
You know when I realized you have to do it
is when I found out it was one of the bases.
'Cause I knew home plate was sex and if I
ever wanted to have sex 'cause I wanted to,
I don't know, make a family someday,
I was gonna have to--
You can't skip a base.
(audience laughing)
If you want kids, you're gonna have to suck some dicks
on the way to those kids.
(audience laughing and clapping)
That's the last thing my kids want me doing.
(audience laughs)
Sex made sense 'cause it makes kids.
What do blow jobs make, you know?
Then you find out.
Careers.
(audience laughing) And it's like, okay.
(audience laughing and clapping)
I do want one of those.
I would like to have (audience cheering)
one of those.
(audience clapping and cheering)
I got one.
(audience clapping)
(laughs) You accept it.
You're just like, "Okay, I'll do that someday."
Not today, but it's gonna happen.
I (sighs) accepted it, the same way
I kind of accept death.
I feel like, you know when you find out about dying,
you're like, "Aw, no, I don't want to die."
And it's like, "Sorry, you have to.
"You were born so someday you have to suck a dick and die.
(audience laughing)
Like those are kind of the touchstones of a woman's life.
(women in audience laughing loudly)
You might get to vote and go to college
somewhere in there but then it's back
to sucking dicks and grave time.
(audience laughs)
And then more information about blow jobs trickles in.
Okay, if you do a good job at it,
you're rewarded at the end (audience laughs)
with a liquid substance.
(audience laughs)
Hold on, before the liquid, you'll know it's about to come
because he's gonna turn into a demon
(audience laughs) for a couple seconds.
Sorry, yeah.
That's a key part of this whole thing.
(audience clapping and chuckling)
He's gonna shape shift.
(audience laughs)
No one warned me about that.
(audience laughs)
If someone hasn't had sex before, I'm here to tell you
before he cums, about five seconds before he cums,
every man turns into Vincent D'Onofrio's
character in "Men in Black".
(audience laughs) You know...
(grunts loudly)
(audience laughing and clapping)
Every man is on his way to that.
(audience clapping) I don't know.
(chuckles)
(grunting) Like a roach crawling out of your eye.
(audience clapping and laughing)
Just (laughs).
(upbeat jazz music)