so I have a couple of questions both to do with resistance and then a third to do with
non resistance I'm the first one you and I spoke a little while ago this afternoon
and you mentioned that shyness can be a form of resistance movement of ego which really intrigued
me since I've always thought of myself as shy and so I got to thinking about it this is my
first retreat of yours I don't know much about the teachings but in terms of what I've learned
so far that I can see I am shy as a thought I can see accompanying sensations that go along
with that and that was taking me away from the ground of my being and is that what constitutes
resistance is just that movement of that being maybe an ego movement and me buying into that
and then if that is the case could it also be that the statement that I am outgoing and the
accompanying sensations with that would also constitute possibly resistance in a movement
of the ego so I'm just wanting to understand that better because I think it could be really helpful
okay it's true that the feeling of shyness could very well and in many cases if not in those cases
it is an expression of the ego and likewise extraversion could be the same so when you
feel shy it's in effect where we're minding what other people think about us we're minding of being
we reminding being exposed in other words we're protecting a self-image that's a very different
thing from simply being a quiet character some characters are quiet and more introverted this
colorful that that's not an expression of the separate self that that's just the natural way
their body mind operates but that would be a very different thing from shyness it would be
a completely comfortable the way to tell which it was would be if you were for instance in in a
group like this and and you felt quiet you're not one of the more colorful characters in the group
and yet you felt totally comfortable just being your quiet self maybe slightly on the fringes of
the group but you're standing on the fringes of the group was not in any way a contraction away
from relationship a feeling that you didn't want other people to see you likewise as you rightly
imply extraversion it can also be it's it's a little so for more complex that can also be a
way of kind of avoiding being authentically oneself because in being very extrovert you
may be presenting an image you may be presenting and you know colorful I'm okay I'm alright kind
of image you may be wanting people to like you wanting them to approve of you etc which you do
in very colorful extrovert ways that would be similarly a movement of the ego the ego trying
to aggrandize itself so in one form the ego is trying to protect itself in the other form that
ego is trying to aggrandize itself both of them essentially trying to prop up an illusory image
and a feeling of oneself okay I can feel that it's a moment of protection and so then how
do I move through that you inquire into your true nature you you you you go to what you essentially
are and you ask that one do you need protection can you be diminished by somebody's disapproval
can you be challenged by group dynamics can you be hurt by something that somebody says
to you but in order to answer those questions from your experience as opposed to thinking
about it or reasoning it out you actually have to go to what you are you understand
go to you you don't go somewhere but you have to touch your true nature you
have to make contact with this is what I essentially am now you asked that one
can you be diminished if someone was to say something unkind to you or hurtful
would what you essentially are be diminished the ego what we believe we are would be diminished
by it would be upset and hurt by it and therefore needs to protect itself but you
what you essentially are can that one be heard if you discover that if you discover that what
you are cannot be hurt or upset by a comment cannot be diminished that then your shyness
vanishes in in practice your shyness gradually seeps away it doesn't vanish overnight but it's
a great discovery you make that that your sense of yourself is no longer invested in an image or
a belief or a feeling your sense of yourself is invested where you really are in what you
really are and you know that you can't be hurt by anyone you feel completely comfortable you
may still be if you're a quiet character you may still be a quiet character but it'll be
a totally comfortable quietness it won't be a resistance that you may feel that you may
find that you're quite a colorful character you may find yourself getting more extroverted and
likewise the extrovert who was in fact only seeking to aggrandize the illusory sense of
themselves through relationship through all these extrovert means may actually find that
they are naturally a much quieter character when they know when they discover that they no longer
need to aggrandize themselves through relationship in other words your your real character starts to
shine and some people they become larger than life colorful flamboyant characters and others may just
be very quiet but there'll be equal comfort in both cases it's interesting answer because I feel
like I've done a lot of external experiments with that where I've intentionally put myself
into really awkward social situations to challenge myself but I've not yet turned it around the way
that you're inviting me to do that you see I don't feel that's really effective and actually you're
confirming that you can because you're you're trying to change the shyness you're working on
the object you're working on the feeling but the the root of the feeling is not being it's not even
being touched it's not being seen you're just manipulating your experience trying to change
your shines trying to provoke your shyness by going into these situations and but the root
of the shyness which is the belief and feeling of being a separate self remains intact so even
if you were successful and it doesn't surprise me that you weren't but even if you had somehow been
able to modify your behaviour you would have just been modifying the shell your person that your
persona underneath in in the privacy of your own heart you would have still felt the same suffering
because the source of the show hadn't been truly explored explored and exposed so don't worry about
about all that the symptoms of separation in your case may be shyness in somebody else maybe anger
or whatever it is go straight to the root of it because once you once you expose the root
of the shines not only will you take care of your shyness but you'll also take care of what other
whatever other symptoms are present in your case you'll take care of the whole lot that doesn't
mean they'll all disappear overnight but having cut their root they you you you you cut off their
life source and in time these symptoms will wind down so the important thing go to yourself go to
this what I am essentially is that which is aware and explore that discover in your experience that
that is what you are stand as that and then see if that one can be hurt or moved or or upset it
will give you it will give you such a quiet confidence not a kind of brittle confidence
that comes from a perfect persona but but a deep confidence that is that is able to in
in relation to shyness that is perfectly okay in a group of a hundred people if you're invited to
if you're if you meet the Queen you'll be feel completely comfortable talking to her but then
you're also perfectly at home perfectly okay alone at home for the weekend with not much
to do it you're equally comfortable in all these situations thank you that's a really nice answer
I have one more question and maybe they'll end up coming together it's another issue of
resistance seems to be a big thing happening with me right now is that when I'm at work
during the week I'm always eager to get home to just go be in silence it's like something in my
being is just thirsting for silence craving silence I'll be like counting down how long
I have to get home so I can be in silence then I get home and I do everything in my power to avoid
silence and it's just the craziness and I don't really understand it and it's it's such a strange
internal paradox and so if you could give me some pointers for that it would be greatly appreciated
both your desire to get home quickly from work to get back to the silence and the exposure of
this resistance to silent are expressions of your love of truth they appear to be contradictory but
in fact they're not and the reason is this your deep motive is this love of truth which expresses
itself in us this love of science which during your day when you're active at work you long for
the silence and you're not in touch with your resistance to it because your mind is engaged
on what you're required to do at work so all you feel is this longing for silence now when you come
home your mind is no longer required to attend to take to your work in other words your mind is free
circumstances are no longer distracting you from silence so what happens then is that
the underlying resistance or avoidance of the silence bubbles up and you become aware of it
during the day you're you don't feel it because your attention is required by your job as soon
as your attention is no longer required to be focused on anything you know that's when you
get home there's nothing for your attention to do you feel this underlying resistance
come come up that's a very good thing that's underlying resistance which is the avoidance
of the now it's so uncomfortable that most people don't even ever allow themselves to
feel it this first rising up of this avoidance of the now we go straight for the fridge the
YouTube clip the bottle the cigarettes the the TV program anything it doesn't matter
what it is but it's always towards an object a substance an activity a state of mind or a
relationship and in this way either at work or when we're at home we successfully avoid
the discomfort of these of this avoidance of the now so it's very good that you feel it it's it's
it's not in opposition to your love of the truth it's precisely an expression of your
love of truth that you that you are able to feel this fully without distracting yourself from it
so that that's the first thing
and the second thing is when you feel this avoidance when you get home you you have the
opportunity to be silent that you've longed for all day and when the opportunity presents
itself you find yourself avoiding it become really interested in that avoidance instead
of thinking it as something that is wrong or bad or swatting your desire for silence
do the opposite become fascinated by it be interested in it so just sit down and and
watch this play of thoughts and feelings in you become really interested in them
trace them backwards in other words don't do what they're telling you to do what your thoughts are
telling you to do is avoid this silence by the acquisition of an object I'd go go the other way
sit down and say okay I'm going to I'm going to make your acquaintance now I'm going to find out
what you're made of I'm going to find out on whose behalf you are arising and in order to
find out on whose behalf they are rising you have to trace them backwards to the place in
yourself from which they arise and the beauty is that if you trace them backwards looking for
the place from which they arise you'll never find it because they're arising on behalf of
a self that is not there the the reason why we don't notice that most of the time is because
we never take the time to look for the place from which they are arising we're too busy doing what
the thoughts and feelings are telling us to do which is to get busy with an object in one
way or another so because our attention always follows the thought outwards in a direction of
objects this the non-existence of the separate self on whose behalf these feelings are rising
is never discovered so this the separate self lives at the heart of the system in fact it's
not really there but because we never take the time to look we lead our lives based on
the presumption and more importantly the feeling that there is this separate self inside and it
is on behalf of this separate self that all these feelings are arising so trace this this resistance
in you back where you thought you would find a separate self you'll find yourself it's it's
not a blank emptiness that you'll find yourself but you'll find no temporary limited self there