>> Stephen: LAST WEEK I
PROFILED A REPUBLICAN PRIMARY CANDIDATE IN
THE WEST VIRGINIA SENATE RACE, FORMER COAL COMPANY C.E.O. AND
SHOP TEACHER WHO SAWED-OFF HIS FINGER TO FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN,
DON BLANKENSHIP.
WELL, SINCE THEN, DON HAS SAID MORE THINGS, SO IT'S TIME FOR A
"PROFILES IN DISCOURAGE: SAD-DENDUM."
WE LEARNED LAST WEEK THAT BLANKENSHIP DOESN'T HAVE THE
BEST RESUME.
HE JUST SERVED A YEAR IN PRISON FOR CONSPIRACY TO VIOLATE MINE
SAFETY STANDARDS, CAUSING DOZENS OF DEATHS-- YOU KNOW:
LEADERSHIP-- NOW THE G.O.P. IS WORRIED THAT
IF BLANKENSHIP WINS THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION, HE'LL
LOSE THE ELECTION.
IN FACT, G.O.P. SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL TOLD "THE
NEW YORK TIMES" THAT "HE DIDN'T WANT BLANKENSHIP TO WIN THE
G.O.P. RACE."
YEAH, MITCH, OBAMA WANTED HIS NOMINEE TO BE ON THE SUPREME
COURT, BUT SOMETIMES A SHADY BASTARD RUINS YOUR PLANS, AM I
RIGHT?
WELL, BLANKENSHIP CAME OUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S SAD.
WELL, BLANKENSHIP CAME OUT SWINGING ON MONDAY WITH A
BRAND-NEW CAMPAIGN AD.
WARNING, HIS PERFORMANCE IS ELECTRIFYING.
>> HI, I'M DON BLANKENSHIP CANDIDATE FOR U.S. SENATE, AND I
APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
POLITICIANS HAVE RUN A LOT OF CRAZY ADS.
THEY BLEW UP THE COAL MINE AND THEN PUT ME IN PRISON.
NOW THEY'RE RUNNING ADS THAT SAY THE COAL MINE BLEW UP AND I WENT
TO PRISON.
THERE'S NO SURPRISE THERE.
>> STEPHEN: YES, THERE IS ( LAUGHTER )
OH, YES THERE IS.
ANYTIME YOU ASK PEOPLE FOR THEIR VOTE BY TWICE MENTIONING THAT
YOU WENT TO PRISON FOR BLOWING UP A COAL MINE, THAT'S A
SURPRISE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN BLANKENSHIP TOOK HIS
ATTACKS ON MCCONNELL TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
>> ONE OF MY GOALS AS U.S.
SENATOR WILL BE TO DITCH COCAINE MITCH.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT!
WHAT?
I'M SORRY, WHAT?
"COCAINE MITCH?" ARE YOU SAYING THIS MITCH
MCCONNELL IS ON COKE?
( LAUGHTER ) MITCH, I SAY THIS AS A FRIEND,
YOU NEED TO DO HARDER DRUGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT MITCH?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETHING TO KICK THE ENERGY UP.
WELL, HERE'S WHAT BLANKESHIP ACTUALLY MEANS:
MITCH MCCONNELL IS MARRIED TO TWO-TIME CABINET SECRETARY
ELAINE CHAO.
CHAO'S FATHER'S SHIPPING COMPANY, WHICH, BLANKENSHIP'S
CAMPAIGN SAYS, "WAS IMPLICATED RECENTLY IN SMUGGLING $7-MILLION
OF COCAINE AND THAT IS WHY WE'VE DEEMED HIM COCAINE MITCH."
SO NOW YOU'RE LIABLE FOR YOUR FATHER-IN-LAW'S CRIMES?
WATCH OUT JARED.
( LAUGHTER ) GET OUT OF THERE!
( APPLAUSE ) AND BLANKENSHIP TOOK SOME OF HIS
OTHER CONCERNS ABOUT MITCH'S FATHER-IN-LAW TO LOCAL TALK
RADIO.
>> HIS FATHER-IN-LAW IS EXTREMELY WEALTHY AND RUNS A
SHIPPING COMPANY AND OWNED SOME SHIPS IN CHINA AND HE'S VERY
WELL-CONNECTED IN CHINA.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH CHINESE PEOPLE, CHINESE
GIRLFRIENDS, CHINESE ANYTHING--BUT I HAVE AN ISSUE
WHEN THE FATHER-IN-LAW IS, YOU KNOW, IS A
WEALTHY CHINAPERSON-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Jon: WHOA, NOW!
WHOA, NOW!
>> STEPHEN: "CHINA PERSON?" MR. BLANKENSHIP, YOU'RE STARTING
TO SOUND LIKE A REAL ASS PERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, A LOT OF FOLKS TOOK
EXCEPTION TO THE TERM "CHINA PERSON," BUT DONNY DEFENDED
HIMSELF.
>> THIS IDEA THAT CALLING SOMEBODY A CHINA-PERSON-- I
MEAN, I'M AN AMERICAN-PERSON.
I DON'T SEE THIS INSINUATION BY THE PRESS THAT THERE'S SOMETHING
RACIST ABOUT SAYING CHINA-PERSON.
SOME PEOPLE ARE KOREAN-PERSONS SOME OF THEM ARE
AFRICAN-PERSONS.
>> STEPHEN: NO!
( LAUGHTER ) NO!
NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT EXCEPT ALIENS TRYING TO BLEND IN.
( LAUGHTER ) "WHAT?!
NO, I AM NOT AN ALIEN.
LIKE YOU, I AM AN AMERICAN-PERSON-- NOW BRING ME
SUGAR IN WATER."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLIZE THERON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )