Ah, welcome, welcome.
Come in, come in.
Been leaving us waiting out there forever.
No, no, no. Come on in.
Welcome, welcome.
Shirley, let me take your coat.
Frank, His name is Shelley, OK?
You know this.
And you couldn't take his coat if you tried
to, 'cause it's buttoned to his pants
in traditional Irish style.
I'm not wearing a coat.
Right, he's not even wearing a coat, man, all right?
Look, we brought you this.
We made it ourselves, with love.
You made cheese together?
Oh.
Well, personally, I think cheese should be sprayed out of a can.
But to each his own. - Yeah.
Well, normally I would agree with you, Frank.
But Shelley has really opened my eyes to a whole new world.
Oh, yeah?
Well, that could be very blinding.
But I'm sure, by the end of the evening,
we'll all be seeing clear.
Let's sit down.
I don't like how you said that.
I don't like how he said that.
Oh, yeah.
Well, come on in. - Cool.
Wow. - Nice.
- Yeah. - OK.
Put it right there. Welcome.
Sit down there. - [INAUDIBLE], huh?
FRANK: Shelley, you there, Charlie there.
CHARLIE: Yes.
Welcome, and thank you all for coming.
I know it's been a very trying time with Charlie finding
his biological father, who abandoned him when
he was a child, by the way.
Not judging, just the facts.
OK, I can't really read the tone of this dinner, you know?
It's very confusing. You're being mean.
You're being nice. What are you doing?
No, no.
I'm-- I want everybody to be happy.
In fact, in the spirit of that, I bought everybody a gift.
So just look under your seats, and
you'll see a nice gift for you.
Shelley, you go first.
Oh.
- Oh, wow. - Wow.
Yeah.
OK.
How nice.
Swim goggles.
Yeah, they're good ones, too.
They'll protect your eyes from any chlorine or oils
or any other hot liquid that might
come in contact with your face. - Yeah.
That's-- that's-- that's very kind of you, Frank.
Yeah.
Yeah, Frank, I'm not seeing a present for me.
No, no, no.
It's-- no, just the one gift just for Shelley.
Eat up.
Yeah, [INAUDIBLE].
Eat it while it's hot.
It's butternut squash soup.
And for the special guest, there's
a couple meatballs in there.
MALE VOICE: Put goddamn meatballs in that soup.
Did you hear something?
Yeah.
Oh, it's probably your stomach rumbling from hunger.
Eat up before they get cold.
Oh, why don't I get any meatballs?
No, just for the special guest.
Eat up, Shelley.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't eat that.
What's in the soup, Frank?
It's just-- just butternut squash, a simple soup.
Are the meatballs turds?
What?
No, no.
They're homemade meatballs.
Shelley, eat them up before they get cold.
Go on.
No, don't-- don't eat them, man.
Go on.
Go on, Shelley.
Frank, you eat a meatball.
You want me to eat the meatball?
Yeah, just eat a meatball.
Eat one.
- All right. - Grab a meatball.
Scoop it out.
[MUMBLES] It's delicious.
[MUMBLES] Have-- have a meatball.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shelley doesn't want one yet.
Chew it.
Chew it, and then swallow it.
Chew it up.
[GROANS]
Oh, I knew it!
I knew it, Frank!
You're not trying to bring us closer together.
You're trying to drive us apart.
And you could've hosted dinner without a motive.
You just can't do it.
All right, you got me, OK?
I'm tired of you hanging out with him the whole vacation.
I mean, all right, go ahead.
Go have your fun.
But when you get back to Philly, I don't want
to even hear the name Shelley.
Well, I'm not coming back to Philly, Frank.
MALE VOICE: [GASPS]
I think there's another man in this room.
Never mind him.
What'd you say, Charlie?
I said I'm not coming back, Frank.
I want to stay here.
I want to stay here, and I'm going to work in my dad's shop
with him, if-- if that's all right with you.
Well, that would make me the happiest man in the world.
Well, you do that.
And don't-- don't even think of coming back,
because we're finished.
That's the end of it.
All right, Frank.
If that's how you feel, we'll get out of your hair.
Come on, Dad.
I'm sorry about this.
Thanks for the goggles, Frank.
[GROANS] Frank, what the hell was that?
Charlie picked Shelley.
I'm-- I'm talking about the turd soup, man.
You know, I was starting to get caught up
in this whole father-son thing, too.
But then you put a-- a turd in your mouth.
I mean, my God.
He had me up against the wall.
What was I supposed to do?
Not eat a poopy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]