- For me, a good day now is any day
I don't have to retrieve a username and password.
(upbeat music)
What a great day.
There's nothing worse on the planet.
When you're about to have some fun
and you're cock blocked by the username and password.
There's nothing worse.
I mean, I know there's wars going on and things are on fire
but for us, for us,
there's nothing worse.
And it's not like in the olden times
in fairy tales and story books,
when you need a magical password
and you go on an adventure
and you get something amazing for it.
You know, you need the password to get in the gate
and you go into the dark forest and become friends
with a talking crow and you fight a demon
with a willow stick and you get the password
and the doors open up and a unicorn gives you a ride
to a magical wizard who gives you gold coins
and sexual favors.
We don't get any of that.
After pouring our heart and souls
into our devices for three straight hours
giving away all our family's secrets,
our moms maiden name,
and who she had sex with in high school.
And then we play that squarey game
like we're in nursery school.
Is there a stoplight in this square?
Is there a dump truck in this square?
Was that my dead grandma in the square?
And then they send you a bunch of codes to other emails
you don't have the password for either.
And then finally you get the password.
Do we get sexual favors from wizards?
No. What do we get?
What do we get?
We get to order on the Pizza Hut app.
Yay.
- I went and got my own at-home Covid health test
which meant I could nasally swab any potential
penetrators that showed up in my backyard.
So they would come over
I would stagger their call times cause I'm not an idiot.
I'd have someone come at seven
someone come at eight, come at nine.
I knew they wouldn't all be home runs.
So they'd come over, I'd give them the nasal swab
I'd run into my kitchen, plug it into a cartridge
and it took about like 30 minutes to run the diagnostics.
And within that 30 minutes I could go back outside
and interview them from six feet away.
And if they said anything annoying
or I saw a pinky ring, I would say, you have Covid.
You have to quarantine for two weeks now.
- Now my son,
I gotta take him to school too,
I mean it's all I'm doing.
I'm doing drop offs.
Growing up, nobody dropped us off.
We didn't get a ride
anywhere growing up
especially to school.
I don't know about how you people grew up,
but in my house, my parents just told us,
walk down the sidewalk
and when you see people your height, that's it.
That's the school.
Just listen for your name, walk in the building.
Hopefully you'll learn some shit.
- Yo, you could not pay me enough money
to go into a forest with white people.
That's how cults get started.
10 white people and a vulnerable brown man in wildlife.
I will be declared your leader, I promise you.
Like if you came to me and you're like,
Vir, there's a college kid missing in the forest.
Do you know what I would do?
Immediately I would call my cousins back home in India.
Cause now there is a vacancy in that college.
Guys,
one man's death is another man's degree.
This is all I'm saying.
Says something about your society though,
that an act of violence
is an anomaly worth documenting instead of the norm.
You know, white people are in danger.
People get proactive, they send cameras into a forest.
Black people and brown people are in danger.
We just hold up our cell phones and film that shit.
All black and brown true crime documentaries
are shaky handheld footage at best
because there's no sense of mystery, right?
In white true crime the killer is never found.
In black or brown true crime,
the killer is on camera in uniform.
Guys.
Guys,
I'm just here to eat some beef
and then I leave tomorrow.
All right? Relax.
- Shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed anymore.
Not all the time.
Once in a while, it's fun.
But you know, look, I hope you find love in your life.
I really do.
I hope you're as lucky as I've been.
But it doesn't mean the life sentence
of having to be in the same bed with your partner
for the rest of your life.
Oh my God, look, I,
I tell her, look, someone's leaving tonight.
Someone's getting the pillow, kicking the other one
and leaving in the middle of the night in a rage.
Why not do that at 10 with a peck on the cheek?
Love you. Mwah.
See you in the morning. Mwah.
She won't do it.
She's hanging onto the young version of us.
And of course, when you're starting out,
you should be in the same bed.
You have to be.
You're young, sexual, you're in love.
You make love three times a night,
you end up asleep in a pretzel twist
with a foot in your face, hanging upside down,
and you do sleep well that way.
That's the thing, you actually sleep
a solid eight hours that way
and you wake up in the morning
so refreshed and in love,
you look at each other.
Let's do it again.
Let's have morning sex, you say.
Oh, we don't say that where I live.
No, we're too busy in the morning pointing at each other
and blaming each other for who ruined the sleep last night.
It was you.
There's something wrong with you.
Oh no.
You need a doctor.
There's something inside of you and it's trying to get out.
I'm not against people having children.
If you're passionate about wanting a baby, I get it.
I wanna support you.
But it's when you're on the fence and you have a baby.
When you're in your forties, like many of my girlfriends
who accidentally get pregnant and they're like,
ugh, I guess I'll have a baby.
It's like, hey bitch,
get an abortion while you still can, okay?
You're not doing any baby any favor
by being on the fence about becoming a parent.
Or my brother.
I was with my brother the other day
and I said why are you even a parent?
I said, you're not very good at it.
He said, "Chelsea, I had to think about my legacy."
I said, "who are you talking to?
Is someone behind me?
What are you talking?
You had to think about your,
who the fuck are you, to think about your leg...?"
Who do you think you are,
that people are waiting
to see what you leave behind on this earth?
Your legacy is that you're my fucking brother.
- In every country in the world,
there are patriots and there are nationalists.
Patriots love their country and just do things about it.
Nationalists love themselves and the cult of themselves
and they use their country to advertise it.
It's just narcissism with a flag.
Don't ever let anyone tell you how to love your own country.
Now that feels like information
that you will soon speak at a party
and pass off as your own.
Which is fine but if you are ever in danger
and people start beating you and they're like
where the fuck did you learn this nonsense?
I need you to remember that my name is Aziz Ansari.
All right?
Or Hasan Minhaj.
Same passport.