WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR FOR A WEEK.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAS? TUCKER CARLSON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE DIFFERENCE IS,
I'M ALLOWED BACK ON. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
LAST MONDAY, FOX NEWS FIRED TUCKER CARLSON.
I CAN'T BELIVE. WHOO!
I FINALLY GET TO SAY THT ON TV! I'VE BEEN HOLDING THIS IN
FOR A WEEK. I FEEL LIKE I JUST
HAD THE BEST PEE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
LIKE HIM OR NOT -- AND FOR THE RECORD, DON'T --
CARLSON WAS THE MOST-WATCHED CABLE-NEWS HOST.
SO WHY FIRE HIM? FOX DID NOT GIVE A REASON.
IN FACT, "TUCKER CARLSON'S EXIT REMAINS A MYSTERY."
YES, A MYSTERY. YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IN
"NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF: WHY DIDN'T THIS HAPPEN YEARS
AGO?" SO HERE'S THE DEALIO.
SO THIS ISN'T A WHO DUNNIT. IT'S A WHY DUNNIT.
HERE ARE SOME OF THE CLUES. DURING THE DOMINION LAWSUIT,
WE LEARNED THAT CARLSON WAS PRIVATELY TEXTING
DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT HIS MANAGERS AND COWORKERS.
WHAT WE DIDN'T KNOW, BUT FOX LATER FOUND OUT, IS THAT TUCKER
CALLED A SENIOR FOX NEWS EXECUTIVE THE C-WORD.
>> [BOOING] >> Stephen: CONSERVATIVE?
COWABUNGA? OH!
THAT WORD. WOW, NICE MOUTH, TUCKER.
YOU KISS YOUR M&M WITH THAT MOUTH?
YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT, HE CALLED HIS BOSS A C-U-NEXT-TUESDAY.
OR, IN THIS CASE, A C-U-NEVER-TUCKER.
THAT WAS JUST ♪ ♪
THAT WAS JUST THE TIP OF THE MISOGYNY-BERG.
IN ANOTHER VIDEO OBTAINED BY THE NEW YORK TIMES, TUCKER IS
SHOWN OFF CAMERA DISCUSSING HIS "POSTMENOPAUSAL FANS".
OKAY, THAT SEEMS A LITTLE RUDE, BUT THAT'S MOST OF HIS FANS.
AFTER ALL, THE SUREST WAY TO STOP OVULATING IS LOOKING AT
THIS FACE. IT'S TRUE.
THE OVARIES JUST DROP OUT AND PKEW!
BUT IT'S NOT JUST SEXISM. REPORTEDLY, SOME HIGHER-UPS
AT FOX WERE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT THEY FELT WAS THINLY VEILED
RACISM ON HIS SHOW. THINLY VEILED?
NO WONDER THEY WERE MAD. FOX LIKES THEIR RACISM
CUT THICK, LIKE A COUNTRY BACON.
ANOTHER THEORY IS THAT TUCKER GOT FIRED BECAUSE HE PERSONALLY
OFFENDED FOX CHAIRMAN AND PISSED OFF SACK OF YOGURT,
RUPERT MURDOCH. WORD ON THE STREET IS,
TUCKER GOT A LITTLE TOO CHRISTIAN FOR MURDOCH'S TASTE,
INCLUDING A SPEECH AT THE HERITAGE FOUNDATION THAT WAS
LACED WITH RELIGIOUS OVERTONES, AND ACCORDING TO A SOURCE,
"THAT STUFF FREAKS RUPERT OUT." OF COURSE IT DOES.
I MEAN, LISTEN. IF I WAS RUPERT MURDOCH,
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IN HELL EITHER.
WHATEVER THE REASON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FOX NEWS PARTED WAYS WITH TUCKER,
AND IN HIS OLD TIME SLOT, VIEWERSHIP IS DOWN 56%.
AND NOT ALL OF THAT IS FOX VIEWERS DYING IN
FRONT OF THEIR SETS. CONSERVATIVES ARE FURIOUS THAT
FOX FIRED CARLSON, BUT ANOTHER REASON NOBODY'S WATCHING IS
FOX NEWS HOST AND MAN WITH RESTING LOBOTOMY FACE,
THE BROWN-HAIRED GUY WHO'S NOT STEVE DOOCY
OR TUCKER CARLSON. JUST LOOK AT HIM ENTHRALLING
VIEWERS ON FRIDAY. >> WE HAVE MORE
IN JUST A MOMENT. THE MUSIC'S GONNA GET LOUDER,
GRAPHICS ARE GONNA COME IN, AND I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING
WHEN I COME BACK. >> Stephen: "I'M GONNA GO AWAY
FROM THE SCREEN, BUT MY PRODUCERS PROMISE ME THAT I WILL
NOT DISAPPEAR FOREVER LIKE THAT BALL THAT ROLLED BEHIND THE
COUCH. I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND WAIT
FOR YOU TO COME BACK. I LIVE IN YOU TV,
MY RATINGS ARE MY FOOD, AND PLEASE NEVER CHANGE THE
CHANNEL." FOX'S LOSS IS SOMEONE ELSE'S
GAIN, BECAUSE OVER AT CONSERVATIVE NETWORK NEWSMAX,
PRIMETIME VIEWERSHIP HAS SURGED. THAT'S BIG NEWS FOR THEIR
PRIMETIME LINEUP: THE SECURITY CAMERA AT A BAIT
AND TACKLE SHOP. CURRENTLY TUCKER IS A FREE AGENT
AND THERE'S PLENTY OF INTEREST. IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE WAS
FIRED, TUCKER CARLSON GOT AN OFFER FROM RUSSIA
STATE MEDIA. THAT'S GOTTA BE A TEMPTING
OFFER. UP UNTIL NOW, HE'S BEEN
REPRESENTING RUSSIA PRO BONO. TUCKER HAS ALSO GOTTEN
DA. WE REPORT.
YOU DECIDE. TUCKER HAS GOTTEN UNOFFICIAL
OFFERS FROM ONE AMERICA NEWS NETWORK, CONSERVATIVE NEWS
OUTLETBLAZE TV, AND EVEN MIKE LINDELL OFFERED TUCKER
CARLSON A JOB. YEAH, LINDELL WANTS TUCKER TO BE
THE PILLOW. BIG NEWS OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE,
ALMOST FORGOT LAST WEEK,
PRESIDENT BIDEN OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL SEEK
A SECOND TERM. OF COURSE, WE KNOW BIDEN'S
REAL OPPONENT IS THE RAVAGES OF TIME.
IF HE WINS A SECOND TERM, HE WILL BE 86 WHEN HE LEAVES
OFFICE. AND VOTERS FEEL THAT IS,
TO PUT IT DELICATELY: WAY TOO [BLEEP] OLD.
ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, 70% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE BIDEN
SHOULD NOT RUN FOR RE-ELECTION, AND HALF OF THOSE POLLED CITE
HIS AGE AS A MAJOR REASON. BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THAT BIDEN
IS YOUNG AT HEART. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. [APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ALL HIS OTHER ORGANS
WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT. BUT JOE'S GOT HOPE,
BABY, BECAUSE IN THAT SAME POLL, 88% OF DEMOCRATIC VOTERS SAY
THEY'D DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY STILL VOTE FOR BIDEN
IF HE'S THE NOMINEE. YEAH!
DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY. SO, NOBODY WANTS HIM,
BUT THEY'LL TAKE HIM IF HE'S THEIR ONLY OPTION.
HE'S A POLITICAL POSITION KNOWN AS
"OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE." FOLLOWING HIS ANNOUNCEMENT,
BIDEN WAS ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE OF HIS AGE, AND HE SAID THIS.
>> YOU SAID QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR AGE ARE LEGITIMATE AND
YOUR RESPONSE IS ALWAYS "JUST WATCH ME."
WHAT DO YOU SAY THOSE AMERICANS WHO ARE WATCHING
AND AREN'T CONVINCED? >> WITH REGARD TO AGE, I CAN'T
EVEN SAY -- I GUESS HOW OLD I AM.
I CAN'T EVEN SAY THE NUMBER. IT DOESN'T REGISTER WITH ME.
>> Stephen: "LISTEN, JACK, LISTEN.
IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT MY AGE, YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT I HAVE TROUBLE IDENTIFYING AND CALCULATING BASIC NUMBERS."
MARCO. WHAT?
ONE GUY IT LOOKS LIKE BIDEN WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
MUCH NEXT YEAR IS FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND BROKEN ROBOT IN THE
HALL OF NEVER-GONNA-BE PRESIDENTS, RON DeSANTIS.
RON DeSANTIS WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP THE G.O.P. MOVE PAST THE
FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE HAS ONE BIG POLITICAL LIABILITY:
HE'S RON DeSANTIS. AND HE'S TANKING IN THE POLLS.
AND NOT JUST HERE. ANYWHERE HE GOES ON THE PLANET.
HE JUST RETURNED. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
RON DeSANTIS JUST RETURNED FROM A FOREIGN TRIP THAT WAS
OFFICIALLY BILLED AS AN ATTEMPT TO BUILD FLORIDA GOES ECONOMIC
RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE U.K., ISRAEL, SOUTH KOREA AND JAPAN.
YES, HE WAS TRYING TO BOOST SALES OF FLORIDA'S TOP EXPORTS:
UNEMPLOYED ALLIGATORS, SPONGEBOB FACE TATTOOS,
AND DRUNK BACHELORETTES WANDERING AROUND GOING,
"GUYS, WHERE'S LIZ?" "WHERE'S LIZ?"
I'M SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL WITH LIZ.
WAIT, I'M LIZ. OF COURSE, THE REAL POINT OF
THE TRIP WAS TO MAKE HIM LOOK PRESIDENTIAL, BUT IN JAPAN,
IT MADE HIM LOOK LIKE THIS. >> GOVERNOR, POLLS SHOW YOU
FALLING BEHIND TRUMP. ANY THOUGHTS ON THAT?
>> I'M NOT A CANDIDATE, SO WE'LL SEE IF AND WHEN
THAT CHANGES. >> Stephen: "I'M NOT A,
I'M NOT A CANDIDATE, AND I'M ALSO NOT A,
NOT IN CONTROL OF MY HEAD! THIS IS NOT A JOKE,
I CAN'T STOP. HELP!
MY SKULL IS FULL OF BEES!" OH, NO.
OH, NO. THEY FOUND A FLOWER.
DeSANTIS ALSO TRAVELED TO THE UNITED KINGDOM,
WHERE HE MET WITH BRITISH BUSINESS LEADERS, WHO LATER
DESCRIBED HIM AS: HORRENDOUS AND LOW-WATTAGE,
AND SAID THAT DeSANTIS LOOKED BORED AND STARED
AT HIS FEET AT AN EVENT CO-HOSTED BY LLOYD'S OF LONDON,
THE WORLD'S LARGEST INSURANCE MARKETPLACE."
HE BORED BRITISH INSURANCE AGENTS!
[BRITISH ACCENT] "OH, I SAY.
OH. MY GOODNESS.
HE'S FRIGHTFULLY DULL. LET'S GO BACK TO DISCUSSING
DEDUCTIBLES FOR CHIMNEY LUNG." THE HARSHEST REVIEW OF ALL:
"IT FELT REALLY A BIT LIKE WE WERE WATCHING A STATE-LEVEL
POLITICIAN. THERE WASN'T ANY STARDUST."
NO STARDUST. OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN FLORIDA,
METH. THAT WASN'T THE ONLY LOWLIGHT
FROM DeSANTIS'S TRIP. HERE HE IS RESPONDING TO A
QUESTION ABOUT A FORMER GITMO DETAINEE WHO CLAIMS DeSANTIS WAS
PRESENT WHILE HE WAS TORTURED.
>> HOW WOULD THEY KNOW ME? OKAY, THINK ABOUT IT, DO YOU
HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT IS CREDIBLE?
SO THIS IS 2006, I AM A JUNIOR OFFICER, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK
THEY WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED ME FROM ADAM?
OF COURSE NOT. >> Stephen: "YOU REALLY THINK
A GUY WOULD REMEMBER ME? NO ONE REMEMBERS ME.
I DON'T REMEMBER ME. GLOM DeSANDWICH?
OH, NO, THE BEES ARE BACK!" THE BEES ARE BACK!"
OH! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE NICOLAS CAGE
AND JAMES MARSDEN. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
I TALK ABOUT HOPEFULLY CONTINUING TO
COME BACK. ♪ ♪