Hey ma'am, I think it's your turn to order--
Don't talk to me until I have my coffee!
Hey there Lucy, what would you like to order to--
Don't talk to me until I have my coffee!
Oh! Thanks girl, okay, so can I get an oatmeal, a latte.
Every Starbucks Ever.
Oh hey, I was wondering if I could get a medium cappuccino, please.
Um... what's a medium?
See, here we have a tall, a grande, or a venti.
Yeah, the middle cup--
Okay, seriously, you need to stop it!
This is a grande size!
GRR-AW-N-DAY.
You wouldn't be sitting here calling Ariana Grande, "Ariana Medium", now would you?!
No! No one would do that! That's stupid!
Go! Next customer.
Yeah, I'll have a large americano.
Every Starbucks Ever.
Alright, I got a venti cappuccino for ET HAN?
ET HAN?
Ugh, do you mean Ethan?
Sorry sweetie, not your name, not your coffee. It's out of my hands.
Every Starbucks Ever.
Yeah, I'm picking it up right now, m'hm, kay.
What can I get for you today?
Yeah, can I get a grande upside down, caramel macchiato with three pumps of vanilla--
One third cup of steamed almond milk, 20% condensation.
Two milligrams of cinnamon, four sprinkles of sea salt, and two exhales of human breath.
You got it!
It's a complicated order, I don't know what to do!
Ah, no problem, just pour a crap ton of cinnamon on there.
It's what I do every time, they're too dumb to notice.
Boom, ha ha, oh wait, *breathes*.
Good to go.
Here you go.
It's perfect.
Every Hipster Ever.
Alrighty guys, I have a grande mocha for Semen?
Ugh, it's Simon.
Semen!
Simon.
Semen!
Si-mon!
Oh okay, I see, See Mens?
Yeah, See Mens.
*laughs* Bye, See Mens!
Every Macchiato Ever.
Mahalo, can I get an uno organic ristretto?
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve ristrettos, because that's not actually coffee.
Oh, wow, okay, uhm, I'm sorry I thought this was an authentic coffee shop?
But I guess not.
What on your menu is organic?
Uh well, for one, it is authentic, and we have a rare Napoli blend.
The beans were hand picked by Ca Loh Eese monkeys in the jungles of Malawi.
Dope!
Okay, but are those monkeys in safe and ethical work environments?
Um, of course.
Yeah, but do they have health benefits?
Yeah, their copay for doctor visits, is like, nothing.
Dope, what do they pay for their medications?
Like, five, five bucks.
Yeah, okay, you know what? I'm just gonna have to take my personal business elsewhere.
Uh, because this is neither authentic or liberal.
I'll see you.
Bye... You look like a french dictator.
Every Starbucks Ever.
I have a grande Pike's Place for Clint Norris?
Actually, the name's Clitoris.
Every Star Fox Ever.
Joey never complains about my boobs, and we have sex all the time even at the Red Lobster.
*laughs*
Yeah Loraine, so last night, Tommy was going through my phone and found photos of us having--
What did he find?
Was it the boobs?
Excuse me, Loraine, I've got some people being rude and eavesdropping!
Mind your business!
Y'all are rude!
So anyway, the photos were of dicks, like, lots and lots of dicks.
I swear, an ocean, or like a painted gallery of dicks.
Every Starbucks Ever.
Hey guys, thanks so much for watching.
Click the video on the left to watch bonus scenes and bloopers from this video.
Yas! This pumpkin spice latte is the sh*t!
And clcik the video on the right to watch "Every Girlfriend Ever".
Ooh, this chest deserves a double tap!
Hey! Don't you dare like that picture!
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