[theme song plays]
-Wow, Ethan! Great moves, keep it up, proud of you!
-Stop what you're doing right now,
take your smartphone out of your pocket,
AND THROW IT ON THE FLOOR
BECAUSE THAT SHIT'S RUINING THE FABRIC OF SOCIETY!
Not really,
but that's what people are trying to make you think these past years.
We've been bombarded with these anti technology videos.
And I gotta say,
they're starting to piss me off a little bit.
The first of these videos was: "I forgot my phone".
This video is about how she is the only sane person in the world,
and everyone else is a sociopath that's always on their phone.
Look how down to Earth she is, guys!
She's on a swing-set by herself at 30 years old.
That's not desperate, is it?
-Are you out of your mind?
-The next one was by Gary Turk
who made the infamous "Look Up".
I mean, c'mon, look at this guy.
Aw dude, you're so alone, man!
Nobody understands you, huh?
-We're a generation of idiots,
smartphones and dumb people.
-Dumb people? Speak for yourself, dude.
Oh, wait, hold on...
Oh yeah, look at the smug face there, yep.
He thinks he's one of the smart people, doesn't he?
Yeah, he does.
Last but not least was "Can We Autocorrect Humanity?"
by Prince AYEEEEE.
Prince EAAY?
Prance?
I don't know how the fuck to say his name.
But Prince, really?
C'mon, dog. Get over yourself.
-Mr. Zuckerburg,
not to be rude, but,
you should reclassify Facebook to what it is,
an anti-social network.
[crowd cheering]
-All of these videos are dumb for their own reasons, but,
the point itself is just stupid, I mean
how can you complain about this awesome thing?
I mean, I can jerk off
anywhere, dude.
Anytime, anywhere.
How can you complain about having that power in your pocket, dude?
It's awesome!
It's just an easy way to pander,
and circlejerk about
how poetic and deep and thoughtful you are,
but at the same time,
you're just going to turn that video off,
and take up your phone,
and fuckin' forget you've ever watched it!
-Stop watching this video, and live life the real way.
-Wow...
Wow, he's so right, you know?
I've been livin' life the wrong way, man.
So crazy...
Anyway...
But I'm relieved to say, finally,
I saw a video that made me think that,
maybe this trend is about to die!
You see, Nature Valley,
decided to make an anti technology commercial
to sell their candy bars.
You know it stops being cool once the,
once the big money gets in, right?
So, everybody give it up for Nature Valley,
really appreciate ya,
hey, let's take a look at the commercial, and see how great it is.
[melancholy music plays]
The video starts off by asking 3 different generations
what did they do during their childhood?
-When you were a kid, what did you do for fun?
-Hmm, I wonder where this is going?
Man, their childhood was probably so cool and natural!
-I had a few fish in my basket,
and I looked up on this bluff,
and here's this black bear sitting there,
watching me.
If he starts chasing me, I'm gonna,
keep throwing the fish outta my basket,
until he's,
gorged, and he won't bother me
-Mm-hm.
Sure that happened, buddy.
What, do you want your kids to go fight bears?
Is that what this is about?
You want us to go fight bears now?
Is that the kind of world that you want,
do you want to put your kids in danger?
Instead of, you know, have 'em play a couple of vidya games?
Oh yeah, back in my day,
we used to wrassle with bears.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah right, you senile piece of shit.
You guys ready for the big twist?
It's gonna shock you!
-So, what do you like to do for fun?
-Video games.
Definitely.
-Text.
Send email.
-Oh, yeah!
Nothing more fun then sending emails
in 2015.
Yeah, this commercial wasn't written by some
out of touch, old piece of shit.
I love email. It's so fun.
You don't have to wait for the letter to get there.
Isn't that amazing?
It's my favorite thing
-3 hours,
or, 3 to 4 hours a day.
-Same.
-5 hours straight.
-5 hours straight?
Haven't left my mom's basement
in weeks.
I have a catheter,
so I don't have to get up, I pee through a tube.
I shit in a pail,
and my mom brings me Cheetos for dinner.
I'm, uh, just your average, regular old gamer.
-I forget,
I don't know what house I have,
parents I have,
a sister I have a dog,
I...
just think I'm in the video game
I completely get lost.
-Tell 'em what you did, Billy!
["5 hours straight." slo-mo and repeated]
Tell 'em what you did
you sat at the computer for 5 hours didn't you lazy fuck?
Ooh, nice tablet, dude.
How many hours of Candy Crush do you play on there?
Probably about 5 to 10 hours a day?
Ah yeah, the tablets are great for playing Candy Crush.
That's not a video game though, huh?
-Whenever I feel upset,
I'd play video games, and I'd feel normal.
It's really wonderful.
-Yeah, video games. [sucking sounds]
Video games... [more sucking sounds]
[moan]
[even more sucking sounds]
Yeah... oh... video games...
I feel good again...
Not really, it's not really like that,
you've ever played a round of Counter-Strike?
That shit, I come out more pissed off then I went in.
You're telling me video games are the answer to my problems?
It'll make me feel good?
Please, dude! I wish that was true.
At this point, I don't even know why I play them.
[depressing music plays]
Oh, come on, are you really crying?
Really?
The only thing that tells me is that you're unstable, lady.
You need help, if this is moving you to tears.
[crying] Boo hoo, why did you have to play video games, Billy?
[continuned sobs mixed with "5 hours" in slo-mo]
-When your daughters grow up,
your great, great grandkids,
what do you think will happen if this trend continues?
-It's scary to think that they'll never have to leave the house.
-Why is that scary?
You never have to plow fields anymore, right?
Is that scary?
Do you think that's scary that you don't have to dig a hole in the ground
and shit in it?
Is it scary that you don't need to ride a fuckin' horse
for 2 months to get across the country,
or take a boat, 4 months, to cross a continent?
Does that scare you?
-Cindy grew up doing a lot of the things I did,
and enjoyed,
and I see what, uh,
my grandsons are doing today,
and it's mind boggling.
-I wish the would be like me, and sit at home,
and watch Fox News for 10 hours straight.
God! I wish my kids were more like me!
I sit at home and watch the news for 10 hours,
I learn stuff on the news,
see, that's the difference,
that's why this is ok,
[sucking noises] FEED ME
and what they do is not!
I get educated.
Fox News educates me.
It is not entertainment.
It's the news.
[sucking noises] FEED ME
-I think it's innate in all children,
but needs to be nurtured.
[melancholy music plays again]
Rediscover the joy of nature,
by eating our candy bars!
Rediscover the joy of nature,
by giving your kids early onset diabetes!
Nature Valley!
But you know what, their point is fair.
maybe I do need to rediscover nature, I mean,
I spend a lot of time in here.
Maybe I spent too much time in here.
Man, maybe we should rediscover nature, huh?
Hmm...
-I feel like he's missing out on what out there,
in the beautiful world.
[the same melancholy music plays yet again]
-That special connection with nature,
I think it's innate in all children,
But needs to be nurtured.
[music continues to play through the outro]