(beeping)
(synthesizer music)
- We did this one.
Did that one.
We did that one.
We did this one.
- You ever consider throwing the old ones away?
They're beginning to smell weird.
- It's the musk of companionship.
- It's the musk of a lot of things.
- Hey!
Speaking of musk smelling things,
whatever happened to Ripley's cat in the Aliens franchise?
- Jonesy.
She leaves him on the company ship
before she heads off to LV426.
Presumably he lives a full life after that,
which is more than I can say for his owner.
- Oh yeah, Jonesy outlives Ripley in cat years,
not in human years though.
- Yeah, in cryosleep years they both are pushing 90 so.
- Which would be like 300 in cat cryosleep
years, catosleep.
- And yet for Ripley,
the events of those movies all take place
over a couple a months.
- Got it!
Today's thing is why Voldemort is secretly Gandalf.
What are you all?
No, stop thinking!
- Hey, Marty, who are you supposed to be Clint Eastwood?
(laughs)
- Okay, so (bleep) the cards then, I guess, right?
Is that what we're doing,
just abandoning the cards that I lovingly,
tenderly put together for us?
- Just, just, let them go, man.
There, not so hard.
(cards thudding)
Sorry, he's sorry.
It was for an important moment of growth.
- Man, Ripley really doesn't get a break
in any of those movies, does she?
- No, after she wakes up in Aliens she's asked to go fight
a whole hive of them after like a couple a weeks.
Then she crash lands on that sexless Friar Tuck planet
and immediately has to fight an alien dog hybrid.
Then, depending on you philosophical views on the soul,
that same Ripley who commits suicide
at the end of Alien 3 is resurrected in Alien 4
just as the acid spit hits the fan.
That's like a solid month of pure alien Rambo-ing.
- Philosophical?
Wait, are you saying?
Are you saying women don't have souls?
Because I disagree, Soren.
Katie, did you see that?
I disagree.
- I know.
- Okay, any time travel movie plot is a complete
mind (bleep) marathon when you look at it
from the perspective of the hero.
In Back to the Future Marty McFly spends a week in 1955
only to have Doc Brown screech into his driveway
the next day and drag him off to the future,
then back to the present,
then into the past again all in a single day.
- I mean it's like I was just here yesterday.
- You were here yesterday, Marty, you were!
- Then it's another week in the old west,
and finally he's dropped off exactly where he started.
For everyone else,
those two weeks of temporal mishaps for Marty
all happened in a single quiet evening.
- The same thing happened to Ash in the Evil Dead trilogy.
His romantic cabin vacation that was actually months
fighting skeletons in medieval times,
to all of his coworkers that's just a long weekend.
- Oh, that's a good one!
Hey, did you guys all realize that The Evil Dead
and Friday the 13th take place in the same universe?
- But don't Freddy and Jason take place
in the same universe?
And in Nightmare on Elm Street
they watch the movie Evil Dead.
- Yeah, it's real (bleep) up.
In Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
we see the Necronomicon from The Evil Dead
just laying around Jason's apartment, right,
and in the Friday the 13th chronology
that actually takes place in 2003.
- Wait, Jason Goes to Hell, the early 90s slasher?
- Yup!
Both Jason Goes to Hell and Jason Takes Manhattan
are both post 9/11 in the Jasonverse timeline.
I mean I'm surprised you guys didn't know that.
- Why would we know that?
Why would anyone know that?
How is that even possible?
- 'Cause you read it on a Jason forum
and remembered it.
- Not what I'm asking.
- Oh, the timeline, how is the timeline possible?
Right, okay so the first movie starts in 1979,
and then the next two movies take place immediately after.
Until Jason is hacked to death by 12 year old Tommy Jarvis,
who is played by?
Corey Feldman!
Come on, none of you guys Friday the 13th fans?
Did you even play the new game?
- I mean I watched the first movie,
but aren't the sequels all kinda.
- Garbage!
They're garbage films, Katie.
- They have a rich mythology.
See, Tommy Jarvis comes back in the sixth film
and he's 17 years old and he accidentally resurrects Jason
using the cemetery fence as a lightning rod.
- Sixth?
Accidentally res?
Trash!
- So that means that the story skips ahead to the 90s.
Then in The New Blood we meet this girl named Tina Shepard,
who's like in the same place at the same time,
but she kills her dad with her psychic dock buckling powers.
(scoffing)
The New Blood skips ahead to 2001 when she's 16
and she resurrects her father's dead corpse
to trap Jason in the waters of Crystal Lake.
- Just absolute garbage.
- Then in 2002 Jason
takes Manhattan.
(crashing)
And finally in 2003 the FBI lure Jason
and kill him straight to hell!
(screaming)
(loud explosion)
- Whoa, cool!
- Yeah, and that is when we see The Book of the Dead.
(gasping)
- Okay.
- Jesus, file that under who gives a (bleep).
So Jason is 50 in the final movie?
- Ehh, he's like 30 in immortal Jason years.
- Which would be 127 in immortal cat years.
- How are you calculating cat years so fast?
What have you been doing in your off time?
- Oh, speaking of 127, I have one too,
Seven the movie, but from the killer's perspective.
- Why aren't you answering my question?
- Look.
It's dated exactly one year ago today.
- Thanks to sloth we know that John Doe's been planning
these murders at least a year in advance,
all of which culminate in the murder
of Brad Pitt's wife and the placing
of her head in a fancy package.
- Seems that envy is my sin.
- Oh, what's in the b
- ox!
But, none of that could've been planned
for longer than a couple days, at most.
Mills has only been on the case,
or indeed in town, for a week.
So the decision to decapitate his wife
had to have been cooked up at the last minute.
- Right, there's even a scene where he says that to Mills.
- I'll be readjusting my schedule in light
of today's little setback.
- But!
Since John Doe is Mr. meticulous von stabby,
we can assume that there are two other corpses
posed elaborately tucked away somewhere in the city
with sins carved into their bodies
that the cops just never find.
I mean for John Doe the entire third act of this film
is just improvising a good finale
for his Riddler killing spree,
and all in a single day.
Here's how we know:
Mills and Somerset show up at the scene
of the pride murder in the morning.
Later that morning they're at the police station,
and John Doe hops out of a cab covered in blood
and turns himself in.
- Detective!
- You're looking for me.
- We also see Mills sleeping in bed
with his wife the night before,
which means the last time Mills saw
his soon to be headless wife alive
was that morning before he left for cop work.
So John doe had to have like broken
into his apartment, murdered his wife,
and sawed through her spinal column,
like first thing in the morning.
Like he had to skip breakfast.
Then he would have to neatly package the head
without getting any blood on the package,
find an all day delivery service,
on the Lord's day I might add,
and convince them to deliver it
to a far off location at a specific time later.
- He said he wanted it here at exactly seven o'clock.
- Yeah, and he couldn't just walk into
the shipping center just covered in blood.
I mean that means he'd have to like change his clothes
at like a Target bathroom or something.
- Which means,
to make the scene work at the police station
he had to change back into his bloody murder suit
and take the most awkward cab ride of all time
to turn himself in.
- All with time to get booked and get driven to the desert.
That is a lot to manage in a day.
- Oh, yeah, it's like murderer Double Dare.
- I could do it.
I could kill that much in a day.
- I got it!
Marvel, Marvel is the answer.
- I feel like you weren't even listening to mine.
- We know according to the established
MCU timeline, the official one,
that the events of Thor, Incredible hulk,
and Iron Man 2 all take place within the same week,
all before the events of Captain America,
and all after the events of the first Iron Man
where Nick Fury is establishing the Avengers initiative.
So Nick Fury is trying to build a team of superheroes
before he knows that Thor exists,
that Captain America would be found,
that Loki would attack, that Thanos was out there,
or even that aliens were real.
All he has is a bunch a spin kicking spy buddies,
a retired Ant-Man, a blue cube,
and the whispers of a green monster clomping around Brazil.
That is a completely unrealistic plan
that he got phenomenally lucky for having.
- That's true!
I mean Tony Stark says that he's Iron Man
and then Fury just breaks into his house
and invites him to be a part his
hypothetical alien punching clubhouse.
That's crazy.
- But doesn't he know Hydra exists at that point?
- Yeah, but is that really enough to pour billions
of defense spending into a color coded super team
that you really have zero evidence of the necessity for?
I mean 99 percent of the time
that would get you pretty darn fired.
- It would get you pretty (bleep) darn committed.
We're supposed to see Nick Fury as this
badass genius when what's more likely
is that he is the Doc Brown of S.H.I.E.L.D.,
a discredited maniac stumbling
from failed project to failed project
until hitting a statistically impossible jackpot.
Bam! (smacking)
Daniel did it.
Daniel's the best, and he did it without his cards.
It seemed the cards were inside of the, my cards!
- You know, in a way,
these cards are your own Avengers initiative.
- How many of those do you actually have?
- I don't know,
how many consecutive days have we been
coming here and doing this, 79, 80?
- What, so like it's only been two and a half months?
Feels like much longer.
- Well, you've all been rapidly
changing your appearance every day
so I can see how it would seem that way.
Also, it's a lot longer in cat years I assume.
- [Katie] Yeah.
- [Michael] I wouldn't know.
- [Dan] There's only...
- -[Soren] What, you, you?
Gah!
- [Michael] I can't go the other way.
I can't divide cat years into normal years.
You'd need some kind of like cat machine.
- Mmhmm.
A catculator.
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Yaayyy. - Thank you!
Hooray.
- Bink.
- Bink, bonk. - Bink.
(mimicking explosion)