Hey guys, it’s Hasan.
a few months ago we did an AMA on Subtle Asian Traits.
And it was really successful.
I had a great time talking to everybody there.
And then you guys suggested I need to do Subtle Curry Traits.
And so, I clicked on the link;
I saw that banner of a bunch of dudes partying underneath that waterfall.
And I was like, “This is my kind of group.
Let me put on a banyan and let’s chase these waterfalls.”
(Laughs)
Alright, “What was the one thing that blew your mind (the most)
while researching for the Indian politics episode?”
Indian cable news.
Indian cable news was like,
“Release the pundits.”
"He had nothing in mind, not his family, only the country.
That I salute—”
“—No, but they want proof!”
“Now I’m coming to that.”
“But they want proof!”
“No, Navika—”
“You are a shameless person, whoever you are—”
It was just...amazing.
We did show one clip on the show
where we had “Indian Nancy Grace”
calling the shots and, yeah, she’s awesome.
I also love how she uses everyone’s full name.
It’s incredible when she’s like,
“Mr. Poonawalla, I will not tolerate that!”
“As for you, Ashish Malhotra,
we cannot allow this!”
It was– she’s really great. I love her.
It’s just as if she’s about to like,
read you your full name and your social security number.
“Mr. Hasan Minhaj: social security number...”
[bleep]
Navika Kumar, if you’re watching this – holler at me.
I would love to be a guest on your show.
It would truly be an honor.
I would love to be one of 19 guests.
um,
I know you’d give me special attention
and, um,
I just love how you use everyone’s full names.
“What is your favorite type of biryani?”
Ok.
Uh, for me – any type of biryani that minimizes that amount of black balls.
Black balls are sort of, like,
aromatic landmines that people put in their biryani.
I don’t even mind, like, the acorns, the walnuts, the random sticks–
Sometimes you’ll get biryani and there will just be like, straight up sticks in it.
Like, “Oh, I just went on a hike. Here’s some sticks from my hike.
Just like, a twig or two.”
I don’t even mind those.
Those are big; like, surface area-wise you can move them to the side.
These black balls are a nightmare.
And if you get black balled,
ugh, it fucks up your whole day.
Also, apparently, I asked my mom about it.
She’s like, “Oh, it’s for aroma.”
And I’m like, “It already smells great.
Why do we have to add these
incredibly dangerous things to our meal?”
If I was running for, like, school president,
and I had, like, a biryani-based agenda
I’d be like: My first policy position is no black balls in biryani.
And I think I’d win by a landslide.
“Did you get grounded for doing the episode on Indian elections?”
Yes, I got grounded and I can only use my computer for the next hour,
so...we gotta hurry this up.
“Did Shashi Tharoor smell good?”
He actually smelled like a dictionary.
“How do you feel about Birkenstocks?”
To me, Birkenstocks are luxury chappals. Uh, it’s kind of an excuse, um…
It really is just the first class version of Batas.
Bata, if you’re watching this video, um, I could be the face of Bata.
“Your first cousin Faiz teaches me Professional Ethics in law school.
He’s also hilarious. Cool fam, Hasan.”
Faiz actually did help us with our Indian Elections script, so, what’s up Faiz?
It’s my cousin, he actually really is my cousin.
This is wild, this is the first time someone on the Internet has done that
and they’re actually right.
You know, like, how sometimes people on the Internet are like,
“Oh I know your cousin!”
And it’s like, not my cousin. They’ll be like, “I know your cousin, Harun!”
I’m like, “I don’t have a cousin Harun.”
But this time, they actually do know my cousin, which is really cool.
“What do Brown Aunties say about you during their gossip sessions?
Also, how desi is it that everyone is asking for a job here.”
First of all, um, I think it’s amazing. You should shoot your shot.
I love the ambition. I love the drive and I love the hustle.
How crazy would it be if someone actually got a job via Facebook?
Where it’s like, “Hey, how’d you get that job at Patriot Act?”
They’re like, “I don’t know... I just like... I just dropped a resume
in an AMA and I got hired.” That’d be amazing.
The one thing aunties say all the time is, “He’s not that funny,” which, I’m used to.
“I loved your rendition of tum paas aaye on air,”
[sings] Like, “tum paas aaye…”
“But what’s your favorite Bollywood song?”
For me, uh, Kabhi Kabhie is like, an all-time classic.
My dad – and I think a lot of Indian dads would sing that just as, like, a go-to.
“Yo, like, you know I can sing, right?”
So, yeah, my dad would definitely hit that Amitabh deep baritone
at the beginning where he’s like, [impersonates Kabhi Kabhie].
He would, like, really hit that part of the song.
For those of you guys who’ve never heard that song, it’s almost like,
you know how, like, rap albums have, like, little interludes?
Kabhi Kabhie has, like, a little interlude in the beginning, where Amitabh Bachchan
is sort of, like, doing, like, a little poem before he sings the song and so…
Yeah, any time I knew my dad was trying to, like, you know, impress my mom –
he’d drop some Kabhi Kabhie.
Also, the video’s iconic.
The clothes that Amitabh is wearing in that video– it’s great.
His swagger is uncanny.
“What do you think about the repeal of Section 377?”
I think it’s an amazing step in the right direction and
it’s a huge victory for civil liberties.
“What do you prefer –
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai or Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham…?"
It’s kind of messed up that you’re asking me that question because
those are both Karan Johar movies, so they’re very similar.
It’s like being like, “uh, would you want Jaws or E.T.?”
Like, they’re both Spielberg classics, so, you asking me this question is very messed up.
But I like both of them for different reasons.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, I love for the love story between Shah Rukh and Kajol.
And then "Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham..." for the family dynamics and drama.
“When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
If you could go back and tell 5-year-old Hasan
and his parents what you do now, what do you think they’d say?”
So, when I was 5, I actually was really into drawing.
So, I wanted to be an animator. And my dream was
to be an animator for “Batman: The Animated Series.”
That was, like, my favorite cartoon growing up.
And then, if I were to tell my parents what I do now…
First of all, they’d be, like, “Who are you?,”
cause I’ve gone back in time, which is insane. So they’d be like,
“Who is this bearded man who showed up and like, ‘Hey, mom! Hey, dad!’”
That’d be really weird for them.
They’d also not believe what I’m doing is a real career.
I’d be like, “Oh, I do comedy on television.”
They’d be like, “What is that?”
Actually I’d be like, “I do comedy on the Internet.”
And they’d be like, “What are you talking about?
Where have you come from? You’re a demon.”
I’d be like, “But, Ami, Abu. I’m your son.”
“If you could have someone appear as a special guest host
on Patriot Act, who would you want?”
I think Nathan Fielder would be an incredible host for Patriot Act.
And I would want Nathan to do it
at the same pace that I do Patriot Act episodes in.
I think that’d be incredible.
“Will you connect with me on LinkedIn.”
Uh, I don’t have a LinkedIn. Why do people ask me this all the time?
They’re like, “What’s your LinkedIn?”
I don’t– Comedians don’t have LinkedIn’s.
Also, if we did, it’d be really sad.
It would be like, “Occupation: Stand-up Comedy.”
And then you’d, like, would list the number of years and then…
no. It just wouldn’t work.
Isn’t it kind of crazy that you’re just putting your resume on blast?
Like, it’s just straight-up public knowledge. Isn’t that wild?
This was a huge thing at family dawats you’d have, like,
some auntie who’d come up to you and be like, “What’s your SAT score?”
And you’d be like, “What? Why are you–”
Like, it was like someone was looking at you naked.
And now, people are just like, “Here’s my resume.”? Just publicly look at it?
People list their GPA on it, right?
–Yeah.
People straight-up list their GPA.
So, Indian people – in the comments, please let me know:
do you list your GPA on your LinkedIn? And if so, how are you so brave?
I would never list my GPA. Ever.
I’ve given away my SAT score but at this point, you know, there’s no going back.
LinkedIn is basically, like, the first 5 minutes of, like,
a conversation you have with someone in a bar.
Like, “Hey, where are you from? What do you do?”
“What’s your GPA?”
You know, like, the first three questions you ask at a bar?
“What’s your GPA?”
“What’s something about being South Asian that
you think non-desi folk really struggle to understand?”
I have to call my parents. It’s just a non-negotiable thing.
Like, sometimes I’ll be with friends. My phone will be ringing.
It’ll be like “buzz buzz,” and it’ll be like,
“Mom Cell,” and they’re, like, “Nah, don’t pick up.”
And I’m like, “You don’t understand. I– I have to pick up.”
Like, “It’s not an emergency.”
And I’m like, “I– It just– You don’t understand.”
I’ve sometimes been with friends and I’ve been hanging out with them
and they’ll be like, it’ll be like “Dad Cell” and they’ll be like, “Not right now.”
And I’m like, “Goddamn, Brian.”
“What was the hardest episode you’ve done so far, in terms of research on the topic?”
So, I would say Indian Elections, for sure was the hardest
in terms of the breadth and the depth of it cause the episode’s 30 minutes
but there was a lot of other stuff that we wanted to include.
There’s just tons and tons and tons of information –
it could have been multiple episodes.
And then also, just how tense and loaded of a topic Indian Politics is,
especially being a desi kid. I’m an NRI and I’m an ABCD.
I’m talking about Indian Elections, like…
There were a lot of things that I had to be aware of going into it.
so we tried to address all of them in the episode.
“What’s the one thing you loved and one that you hated
about growing up in a desi household?”
So the good thing is – you get to live at home as long as you’d like.
And the bad thing is – you get to live at home as long as you would like.
So...yeah. You start hitting the mid-twenties uh,
mid-to-late-twenties, it gets a little real.
And I lived at home during college, which was wild.
There was a lot of times where I had to “go to the library.”
“To study.”
On a “Saturday night.”
This is a crazy story. So, this is how–
this is actually how my parents found out that I was doing comedy.”
So, I used to tell my mom. My mom was cool with me doing comedy.
So I was like, “Hey mom, I’m gonna ‘go to the library.’”
And she’s like, “You’re gonna ‘go to the library?’”
And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m gonna ‘go to the library.’”
Which was you’re gon– I was gonna go to an open mic.
So, we live in Davis. And I’m living at home and I have to drive to San Francisco.
Like, San Francisco had the best open mics.
So, I drove to San Francisco, but it was raining on the way back,
and so when I was driving back, my car hydroplaned and it hit a median
um, on the freeway around Vallejo, which, if you’re from the area –
is really far from Davis. It’s, like, 40 minutes away.
And, I had to call home and my mom gave my phone to my dad.
She did the thing where she was like, “Talk to your dad.”
So, I was like, “Oh, shit. I’m done for.”
I could tell in that moment, she’s like,
“I cannot lie for you anymore. Talk to your father.”
and I’m like, “Mom!” Gives the phone to my dad and I’m like,
“Hey, Dad. Like, uh...I, uh... I got in a car accident.”
And that was really bad.
He’s like, “Are you okay? Is everything alright?”
I’m like, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”
“Is the car okay?”
And I’m like, “Yeah, the car– the car’s fine.”
“Where are you?” And I was like, “Vallejo.”
And he’s like, “Vallejo.” And then he just hung up.
And I was like, “Oh I’m… I’m done for.”
And I know it’s bad because my dad is getting me solo.
He’s not bringing my mom with him.
So I’m like, “Oh, I fucked up, like...Najme’s rolling out solo.”
So he goes. He picks me up on the side of the road.
It was like out of a movie – it’s raining outside.
Like, he’s in, like, a rain slicker. I’m in, like, a rain slicker.
He’s just like, “That’s a really far distance you went to go to the library.
I hear the– Are the libraries in Vallejo really good?”
I’m like, “Alright, I gotta come clean.”
So, uh, I told my dad.
I was like, “Dad, uh... I didn’t go to the library.
Uh...I’ve been doing standup comedy.”
And my dad was like, “Goddamnit, Hasan.
I really was hoping that you were just smoking weed.”
And it was the first time, um–
that I knew that my dad was 420 friendly. So…
It was a really cool moment.
Just like a really cool rad-brown-dad-dot-tumblr-dot-com moment.
So, that’s it.
Thank you guys so much for joining me on this second AMA.
Shoutouts to everybody who came out, uh, on Subtle Curry Traits.
Shoutouts to the four dudes underneath that waterfall. Keep chasing ‘em.
Keep chasing your dreams.
And I’ll see you guys next time.
Alright, this is how– this is how Na–
This is how Nathan Fielder would do Patriot Act, here we go.
Three, two, [clap]
Hi, I’m Nathan Fielder. Welcome to Patriot Act.
Thank you.
Tonight, I want to talk about an epidemic that is affecting everyone:
Student Loan Debt.
Student Loan Debt affects pretty much
everyone I know.
And if it doesn’t affect you,
congratulations on being a Kennedy.