KIND OF FELL IN LOVE WITH THESE
TWITTER POLLS OVER THE HOLIDAYS.
MY FAMILY AND I CAME UP WITH A BUNCH OF MATCHUPS, AND I TWEETED
THEM OUT WITH THE HASHTAG #CHRISTMASBATTLE.
AND WE GOT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF VOTES ON CLASSIC
HEAD-TO-HEADS LIKE "NUKE THE SIZE OF AN ANT VERSUS ANT THE
SIZE OF A NUKE."
"HARRY POTTER'S WORMTAIL VERSUS LORD OF THE RINGS' WORMTONGUE."
OR "KYLO REN VERSUS J. ALFRED PRUFROCK."
KYLO WON THAT ONE IN A LAND SLIDE.
PRUFROCK IS MERELY AN INSECURE, OVERDRAMATIC CRY BABY, WHILE
KYLO REN IS AN INSECURE, OVERDRAMATIC CRY BABY...
WITH A LIGHTSABER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS A LOT OF FUN, AND I
THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THIS ON THE SHOW?
SO I AM.
RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO "FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHTS."
TWO NOUNS ENTER!
ONE NOUN LEAVES!
AND THE FIGHTS ARE DECIDED VIA TWITTER POLL, SO IT'S LIKE THE
ELECTION, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE ACTUALLY VOTE.
LET'S GET READY TO ARGUUUUE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GOT THE CARDS?
YOU GOT THE CARDS?
COME ON OUT HERE.
THIS IS MY OLD FRIEND AND PRODUCER PAUL DINELLO,
EVERYBODY.
HAVE A SEAT, PAUL.
SAY HI, EVERYBODY.
PAUL IS GOING TO JOIN ME FOR "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS."
>> YOU FEELING GOOD.
>> FEELING GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE THE BEST MAN IN MY WEDDING, RIGHT?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND WHO WAS THE BEST MAN AT YOUR WEDDING?
>> MY BROTHER.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU WERE IN THE RUNNING.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY BROTHERS DO YOU HAVE, PAUL?
>> ONE.
>> Stephen: ANOTHER SO I WAS TWO OUT OF TWO.
HOW MANY BRACKETS I DO HAVE?
>> SEVEN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I CHOSE YOU.
OKAY, THAT'S OUR FIRST MATCH-UP.
WHO LOVES THE OTHER ONE MORE, PAUL OR STEPHEN?
GO VOTE NOW, WHO LOVES THE OTHER ONE MORE, PAUL OR STEPHEN?
PAUL, YOU READY TO PLAY "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS"?
>> LET'S DO IT!
THIS NEXT MATCHUP IS A CLASSIC THAT I
TWEETED OVER THE HOLIDAYS BUT HAVEN'T WEIGHED IN ON YET,
"MARVEL SUPERVILLAIN THANOS VERSUS IMMORTAL SUPER-ELF SANTA
CLAUS."
LET'S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE.
WE WILL START WITH THANOSE.
WEIGHING AT 6'7', 985 POUNDS, THE GREATEST OF ALL TITANIAN
ETERNALS HAS A LEFT-HAND REACH OF ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE AND
ANY POINT IN HISTORY, THANKS TO HIS TECHNO-MYSTICAL
TRANSPORTATION CHAIR.
WEAKNESSES: OVERCONFIDENCE, PRETTY DUMB OUTFIT.
MARITAL STATUS: SINGLE.
A FORMIDABLE FIGHTER, BUT DON'T COUNT OUT HIS OPPONENT:
SANTA CLAUS.
ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE, SANTA TIPS THE SCALES AT 5'7", 310
POUNDS, FULL OF JELLY, CAN TRAVEL FAST ENOUGH TO VISIT
EVERY GOOD BOY OR GIRL IN A SINGLE NIGHT.
HIS POWERFUL ALLIES INCLUDE AN ARMY OF ELF SLAVES; SENTIENT,
FLYING DEER; AND THE COCA-COLA CORPORATION.
WEAKNESSES: TYPE II DIABETES, AND TIM ALLEN'S ROOF.
OKAY, PAUL.
SANTA VERSUS THANOS.
I THINK THANOSE WALKS AWAY WITH THIS IMMEDIATELY.
HE USED THE INFINITE GAUNTLET.
HE CAN RESHAPE TIME AND SPACE.
WHAT SAY YOU?
>> YOU ARE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD.
>> Stephen: YES, I AM.
I AM LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD AND THANOSE RULES IT.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU NEVER DOUBT SANTA.
YOU DON'T GO ALL THE WAY AROUND THE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT UNLESS
YOU KNOW HOW TO CRACK THE WHIP.
>> Stephen: BUT SANTA, SANTA IS-- SANTA HE'S A JOLLY OLD ELF.
HE'S NOT A MINDLESS CIG MACHINE LIKE THANOSE IS.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY ELVES HE HAS KILLED IN HIS WORKSHOPS.
NOBODY HAS KEPT AN EYE ON THAT UPON MAN.
HE COULD BE A MAD MAN THE OTHER 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR.
BESIDES, SANTA ALWAYS GETS IT DONE, NEVER MEASED UP ONE
CHRISTMAS.
>> Stephen: EXCEPT THE FIRST ONE.
>> HOW'S THAT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S A BABY GOING TO DO MYRRH.
>> WE'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN VOTES HIT THE
TWITTER.
VIEWERS, CAST YOUR VOTES AT MY TWITTER PAGE, @STEPHENATHOME,
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT, SANTA OR THANOSE.
READY TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT MATCH-UP.
>> LET'S DO IT.
>> Stephen: A CLASSICAL HYPOTHETICAL BRAWL WE'VE ALL
DEBATED BEFORE, LET'S START WITH THE KING.
LEBRON WEIGHS IN AT 6'8", 250, WITH TWO CHAMPIONSHIPS, FOUR
LEAGUE M.V.P. AWARDS, AND NOW, THE ABILITY TO SUMMON A GIANT
HAMMER MADE OF GREEN ENERGY.
HE'S THE ULTIMATE ALL-AROUND PLAYER.
HE CAN RUN THE POINT, DOMINATE THE POST, AND AGAIN, TRANSLATE
HIS WILLPOWER INTO A MASSIVE EMERALD FIST.
WEAKNESSES: EVEN WITH POWER LIMITED ONLY BY HIS IMAGINATION,
LEBRON STILL HASN'T GOTTEN IT DONE FOR CLEVELAND.
AND NOW LET'S GO TO THE TRUTH, BABY, THE TRUTH HURTS.
LET'S GO TO JORDAN AND HIS MAGIC LAMP.
WEIGHING IN AT 6'6", 215 POUNDS, JORDAN IS THE GREATEST OF ALL
TIME.
SIX CHAMPIONSHIPS, A LEGENDARY COMPETITIVE STREAK, AND AN
ANCIENT LAMP HE UNEARTHED IN THE LOST TEMPLE OF OSIRIS.
HE ENDORSES HANES, NIKE, McDONALD'S, GATORADE, LOCKHEED
MARTIN, SPANX, HELLMAN'S MUSTARD, AND THE BOSTON-TO-D.C.
FUNG WAH BUS ROUTE.
ALSO IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD ALLOWED TO GET AWAY WITH A
HITLER MUSTACHE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ONE OF HIS
WISHES.
HIS ONE WEAKNESS: BASEBALL.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK THIS ONE THROUGH, PAUL.
YOU'RE A CHICAGO BOY.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO WITH M.J., I'M GUESSING HERE.
>> OF COURSE, I AM.
HE'S A GREAT PLAYER.
YOUR BOY HAS ONE RING.
MY BOY HAS SIX RINGS.
>> Stephen: BUT MY BOY'S RINGS CAN ACTUALLY TRANSLATE HIS WILL
AND HIS COURAGE INTO A MACHINE GUN THAT SHOOTS BULLET OF PURE
ENERGY TO KILL MICHAEL JORDAN WHEN HE GOES UP FOR THE DUNK.
>> ONE WISH, RING GO AWAY.
>> Stephen: HE'S NOT GOING TO HAVE ONE WISH LEFT, PAUL.
MICHAEL'S GOING TO USE THE FIRST WISH THIS WAY.
YOU KNOW HE'S A FIERCE COMPETITOR.
GIVE ME THAT ON MICHAEL.
HE'LL USE THE FIRST WISH TO WISH FOR MORE WISHES.
THAT DOESN'T WORK, HE LOSES A WISH.
THE SECOND WISH, HE WISHES TO BE ABLE TO HIT A FASTBALL.
SECOND WISH GOES AWAY.
AND THE THIRD WISH HE'S GOING TO USE TO TRY TO GET PRINCESS
JASMINE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.
WE KNOW M.J. HAS A WEAKNESS FOR THE LADIES.
THIS WILL BE LeBRON ALL THE WAY.
>> YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN.
JORDAN DOESN'T NEED WISHES.
IF YOUR MIND IS WEAK, THAT RENDERS THE RING USELESS AND
NOTHING MAKES YOUR MIND WEAKER THAN HAVING TO FACE JORDAN IN
THE PAINT.
>> Stephen: SO-- >> THAT'S THE IDEA OF HAVING TO
FIGHT MICHAEL JORDAN WILL WEAKEN YOUR MIND!
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY NOTHING MAKES YOUR
MIND WEAKER THAN STROG LIVE IN CLEVELAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A GREAT CITY!
HE ALMOST SAID IT, NOT ME!
IT'S HIS FAULT.
THE POLL IS NOW LIVE ON TWITTER.
GO TO @STEPHENATHOME AND LET YOUR THUMB VOICE BE HEARD.
VOTE ON THE QUESTION WHO WOULD WIN IN THE FIGHT.
YOU DECIDE.
WE'LL ANNOUNCE THE RESULTS NEXT WEEK ON.
>> IFY!