You know what phrase I randomly started to question last week? “I wouldn’t wish that
on my worst enemy.” We hear it all the time, most of us have probably used it, or at least
thought it from time to time. But have you ever really thought about it? Because now that I have,
it doesn’t really make sense.
The intended meaning makes sense — when we say “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst
enemy,” generally we mean to emphasize how bad the thing we’re referring to is. It’s
something really sad or really painful — so sad or so painful that we wouldn’t even
wish it on our worst enemy. It’s figurative language intended to communicate a feeling,
not to literally declare that you’re not going to do something. Which is good, because if it was a
saying that had to be interpreted literally, I don’t think as many of us would say it.
Because, sure, most of us try not to be too hateful toward our fellow human beings. We
don’t go out of our way to wish ill on others, even if we feel like they have it coming. We
try to stay within basic boundaries of respect, right? We recognize that there’s a certain level
of dignity and comfort to which everyone should be entitled. And that’s essentially what you’re
saying when you say “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.” You’re expressing that idea,
that some things are so bad no one should have to experience them.
But, I dunno, doesn’t it depend? Shouldn’t we judge things like this on a case by case basis?
“Hey, did you hear about Ronny? He turned left at a red light last week and got T-boned by a
car coming the other way. Broken limbs, broken ribs, punctured lung, cracked skull — he’s
gonna be in the hospital for weeks, he’ll need months, maybe even years of physical therapy,
they say he may never be the same again. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”
. . . Really?
I certainly wouldn’t wish it on myself, or anyone I cared about. I wouldn’t wish on most people,
even. The average person, if such an individual could exist — if you could somehow fairly quantify
the virtues and vices of every human being who ever lived, add it all up and divide by however
many billion of us there have been since we split off from whoever our most recent non-human
ancestors were, to create a person who represents the average moral character of the entire
species — I probably wouldn’t wish it on that person. And, I bet most of you wouldn’t, either.
But your worst enemy? . . . Really?
People sound so sure when they say that, but I’m not even a hundred percent sure I wouldn’t have
wished it on Ronny. Because it depends, doesn’t it? I probably wouldn’t have wished it on Ronny.
Odds are Ronny’s a decent enough guy. But, what if Ronny turns out to be a serial killer? What if the
contractors show up to install the wheelchair ramp at the front of Ronny’s house after his accident
and while they’re digging around they discover a couple dozen bodies stashed in his crawl space?
Or, what if it’s not even that bad? What if he’s a drug dealer, who earns his living exploiting the
addictions of desperate people? I’m not talking about weed — I’m talking about the hard stuff,
the shit that hollows people out physically and financially and spiritually. Ronny doesn’t care,
though — it’s just money in his pocket, and he does just fine.
Would I wish broken arms and legs, punctured lungs and a cracked skull on him then? Yeah, probably.
Especially since he was clearly at fault for the accident — you don’t turn left on red.
I guess it also depends on what you mean by “worst enemy.” If you have an actual
worst enemy that you think of when you say that, it changes your perspective a little.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy — not even that guy from across the street
who always steals packages off my porch. He’s a thief but he’s still a human being.
Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s a meth addict — and he’s been having a real hard time
lately — I hear his dealer’s been in the hospital. Anyway, it’s the society
that allows people like him to fall through the cracks that I should really be mad at, not him.”
An enlightened and compassionate point of view. I congratulate you. But, what about
your hypothetical worst enemy. Like, not the actual person who you consider your worst enemy,
but the worst enemy you ever could have, in theory? Because I think
that’s the sort of “worst enemy” people usually mean when they use the phrase.
Most normal people don’t have a “worst enemy.” Here’s a good way to tell if you’re not sure:
if I ask you “Who is your worst enemy” and you have to think about it for more
than a few seconds, you don’t have a worst enemy.
Maybe you have a worst enemy by default — like, there is someone who is more annoying, or who
makes getting through your day more difficult than anyone else, but they’re not actively fucking your
life up, it’s just that someone out of all the people you know has to be the worst one.
So, most people don’t have someone who they actively think of as their
worst enemy. I know I don’t — who am I, fuckin’ Sherlock Holmes? “A terrible,
terrible fate, Watson. I shouldn’t wish such a thing upon my own worst enemy.”
“Really, Holmes? Not even Professor Moriarty?”
“No, my dear friend, not even the dastardly Napoleon of Crime himself!”
“But he pushed you off a bloody waterfall!”
“I said what I said, Watson! And I pushed him! I! Pushed him!”
So, imagine your worst enemy — the worst enemy you could ever have, someone who threatens your
safety or all you hold dear, someone who stands in opposition to your values, someone who you
find morally repugnant and who represents a clear and present danger to you and all good and decent
people. Imagine that worst enemy, and then tell me honestly — you really wouldn’t wish it on them?
The car accident, the punctured lungs, the broken bones?
. . . Really? Good for you, I guess. There’s that famous Gandhi quote, “An eye for an eye leaves the
whole world blind,” and there is wisdom in that for sure, but on the other hand, if there’s one
particular guy going around poking out people’s eyes, there’s nothing wrong with wishing someone
would fuck him up, right? It would probably be to everyone’s benefit, wouldn’t you think?
Sometimes the thing that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy is something that actually happened to
someone else. Instead of Ronny getting T-boned it’s, “Oh, did anyone tell you about Frank? The
babysitter wasn’t paying attention and dropped Frank’s daughter head-first into a blender.
Can you imagine? I know Frank’s an asshole, but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”
I mean, I’m sure Frank’s having a bad time, too, but he’s not the one who got dropped into
a blender! What about the baby? Do you even know her name, while you’re over there with your heart
bleeding for that asshole Frank? Fuck Frank! You wouldn’t wish having their daughter dropped into a
blender on your worst enemy? I wouldn’t wish being dropped into a blender on a baby! . . . Probably.
In all likelihood.
I can’t imagine a scenario where I would wish being dropped into a blender on a baby,
but that doesn’t mean such a scenario could never
exist. I just don’t want to shut that door all the way, is what I’m saying.
But, I digress.
Actually, the more I think about it, maybe I’m the problem. Because, when I imagine that hypothetical
worst enemy I was talking about before, or even when I consider the various real-life “worst
enemy” candidates that we have to choose from — and I think you’ll agree, it’s quite a selection —
I dunno, there’s really nothing I can conceive of that’s so bad I wouldn’t wish it on them.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I’m such a bad guy. I don’t think I’m cruel,
or particularly vindictive. And, it’s not that I’m never comfortable on the
moral high ground. It’s more that, sometimes I don’t think it’s worth the climb to get there.
Because pretty much any terrible thing you could think of, I would totally wish on my worst enemy.
Why wouldn’t I? They’re my worst enemy! What else are they for? It doesn’t make sense!
In fact, it makes so little sense that I’m gonna try to stop using this phrase,
and I recommend that you do the same. I can’t force you, of course,
and I wouldn’t want to — how you express yourself is your personal choice. But,
think about it this way: we’re all characters in our own stories, aren’t we? That being the case,
shouldn’t we want ourselves to be the most well written characters we can be? Shouldn’t we try to
write good dialogue for ourselves? And what’s one of the keys to writing good dialogue? Specificity!
So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where you would say “I
wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” replace it with a more specific phrase.
“Hey, did you hear about Bill? Last week he was working his shift at the butcher shop,
he wasn’t paying attention and he lost half his arm in the meat grinder.”
“Oh, man, that’s terrible! I wouldn’t wish that on my elementary school principal!”
See, isn’t that more interesting? You say something like that and it brings
the whole conversation to life! People hear that and they can’t help but wonder:
what was so bad about your elementary school principal?
Why’d you say that instead of “my worst enemy”? Their head starts to swim with questions,
and possibilities. All of a sudden, and probably for the first time, you seem fascinating to them!
I would wish that on my elementary school principal, by the way. He was a bastard.
Mr. Price, I mean — the guy who started when I was in third grade.
Not Mr. Bowers — that man was a saint. Came back to volunteer for Fun Night the
year after he left — remembered my name! We weren’t even close!
Or how about this: “I saw on the news this morning that this guy was outside
taking a piss during a thunderstorm and got struck by lightning. The lightning
defied the laws of physics and traveled up his urine stream, entered his body,
cooked him from the inside out, and then he exploded like a hot dog in a microwave.”
“Damn, that’s awful. I wouldn’t wish that on Dame Judi Dench!”
Think of how that would set people’s minds racing! “Judi Dench? What did she do? I never
heard anything . . .” They whip out their phones, start furiously Googling. “Aww,
Jesus, it must have been pretty bad — nobody’s even talking about it!”
You can also use it to find out where everybody in the conversation stands:
“I wouldn’t wish that on Johnny Depp!”
Use their reaction to identify who you might want to start nudging out of your social circle.
“I wouldn’t wish that on Ronald Reagan.”
Use that reaction to identify who to expel from your social circle immediately!
Or don’t. Up to you. But, you see how much more fun it can be if you get a little creative with
it? You can show some personality, you can reveal potentially useful information about
whoever you’re talking to — way more clever and practical than just defaulting to the old cliche.
See, I can do that, mix it up a little, use some imagination,
or I can just keep saying “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” when something awful happens,
and I’ll just be another person who talks like everybody else. What a boring prospect that
is. That would be the absolute worst. I wouldn’t wish that on Derek Jeter.
Long story.
Actually . . . not so much.