(lively music)
(Zach clears throat)
- Hi, welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns."
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
My guest today is Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
- Thank you very much for inviting me. I appreciate it.
- You look good.
- Thanks. So do you.
- Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
You look like Steve Jobs now.
- Okay.
- I don't wanna get sentimental, but I have to tell you,
back when I was kid I used to stay up
really, really late and, um...
- Good, thanks.
- No, I would just watch the color bars
and the national anthem.
Let's just call out the elephant in the room.
Your new show on Netflix,
two chairs, one guest, and you've grown a beard.
I don't like to say the word thief,
so I'm not gonna say,
"Stop, thief, you're a thief,"
and I'm not gonna say crime doesn't pay,
'cause obviously, in your case it did.
Your Netflix show is called
"My Next Guest Needs No Introduction".
Wouldn't a better title be
"My Next Show Will Have No Viewers"?
- Yeah. We considered that.
- That didn't test well?
- Oh, I think it tested very well,
but it hurt my feelings.
- Do you think a good career trajectory
is going from one hit show that everyone watches
to a Netflix show that people mean to watch
but never get around to it?
I've heard of your show,
I've heard people talk about people
talking about your show, but I've never seen it
and I don't know any relative or friend of mine
or acquaintance that's ever seen it.
- If you knew me, you'd know that I don't much
care about other people.
- Your son's name is Harry.
Did you name him after your face?
- Named him after my late father.
How do you feel now?
- Well, I didn't know it was going to go into
a bummer story like that. - No, I know,
but you don't have the capacity
for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
Can you take some constructive criticism?
- Yeah.
- People find you unpleasant.
- Hmm. Thank you.
You love fast cars.
In what other ways is your penis small?
- Well, I guess in the only important way.
- The testicles.
- Can I just say something about this?
Not once has anyone discussed with me
my penis, my size of my penis,
my use of my penis or my testicles,
so I'm just curious about the pathology behind this.
- Do you think letting you leave CBS
was the biggest mistake of Les Moonves' career?
- Under normal circumstances I would invoke "Young Sheldon",
but I'm not going to.
- Did he every play grab-ass with you?
- Yeah.
- He never tried to honk your peen?
- Oh, here we go.
I mean, honest to god, what is it?
- You got a little choked up
during your first show back after 9/11.
Looking back on that now,
do you wish you had grown a sack?
Of ballies?
- I guess my mistake was inviting myself
to be on this show.
- I'd like to thank my guest, David Letterman,
for coming on and sharing his insight of the world.
- Thank you.
♪ Never meet your heroes ♪
♪ Because they will let you down ♪
♪ Never meet your heroes ♪
♪ Because they will let you down ♪
- Hey, motherfucker, I need that button.
"Between Two Ferns: The Movie".
It's streaming now on Netflix.