we had uh
we had mr sandler on the show last night
he came out and started dancing at the
tower
[Laughter]
sandler who that's what i say oh
he's an old friend and a confidante yeah
i miss him to death
yeah you happy i came down and saw him
last night it was fun yeah this is our
little hangout it's our home away from
home
oh come down here a little snowden you
know they don't know that my first is
that my nickname snowing
no it was for a little bit yeah uh when
i started saturday night you were
a writer that's right and you took me in
your wings
and uh you kind of carried me through
the year
and uh i never got a thank you and
that's why i didn't get anything on
because they had good writers
i wrote a lot of crap that year i
remember no you did and i was telling
everybody
uh now you're a single guy
yeah yeah okay and you have a hit show
you have a hit show it's got to be uh
[Applause]
i know you're out there you're living
the life you're with the supermodels huh
you're with the uber models you're with
the ultra models
do you ever think i just want to settle
down i want to have kids
uh conan uh i know that uh deep down i
know i want to have a nanny
and um so to have a nanny yeah i'll
probably have some kids
then for sure you get a nanny it's the
best way you'll work your way around huh
yeah
yeah that's a good idea but no it's uh
it's tough because you know you date
like uh if you date now and then because
i'm single mm-hmm
there's really no story in it you know
so uh because i am a single guy
so i date here and there and then the
problem is uh yeah if you date like
a girl and then another one like a
couple weeks later whatever you know no
big deal there's nothing
nothing bad going on but you kind of mix
up their stories
because you know they all tell you the
whole story about their life right and i
kind of sometimes don't listen totally
and then uh and it's kind of and then so
then dinner a couple then and then you
like crisscross a few times so you
forget the back story
and then they tell you they tell you
something you have to commit one way or
the other
so you just act either really sad or you
just pick one i go hey
uh i go hey your sister have fun last
night she just
and she had chemotherapy and i go oh
yeah but don't they give you like
lollipops and stuff
you're a charming guy i forgot i know i
just you know i committed it though
uh-huh uh-huh you're from uh you know we
used to talk about this back in the day
you're from phoenix yeah that's where
you're from you love it there do you go
back there
much try and get away from do i try
to uh but you know showbiz kind of
creeps into
it's kind of everywhere now because of
all you know all the ways you can get at
the internet and all that
so i live in like kind of secluded area
and there's this old german woman that
lives next to me
and she's really sweet and she has a
garden and so when i meet her she's like
the last person
but she's like kind of a secret fan but
she's just a huge bluffer
so the first time i move in she goes i
i'm your neighbor
i just i have a garden and i'm german i
don't know
they say you're famous i i don't know
i'm sorry i don't know
i go no that's okay she goes but i don't
know the t
v with the letters i don't understand
i hope you're as good as a neighbor as
you are on
[Music]
the next time i come in town she goes a
friend
told me you were on the tv with the
images on the screen i don't know
because i'm not i have my roses and the
lilies
and i don't so i wouldn't know she's
weird i don't know i go
great great but that's good for you if
that's something you
and i go great so the next time i come
in she's like hey conez is on laserdisc
i go what yeah felicity started big then
it hit a wall
i go oh no you're secretly so busy
yeah frazier's dropping the key demos
by flower she forgets and goes
sweet right the thorns poke me
i like her you play along next time you
don't know anything about show business
oh and i forgot
and what's this i'm reading i'm reading
the paper uh that uh you performed with
beck that was something i and i was
thinking well doing what did you do
comedy just before bec came out what was
the idea
yeah yeah yeah we did a uh you opened
for back
i'll
you began the show and then beck came
out
i was there and beck and i we're like
this we're two little dirt balls
it's like parent trap and we hang out
together you know we're like twins
so we look like two little gas station
attendants
except one of us is really smart and one
of us is me uh-huh
so so i opened form this environmental
gig it's all charity
and uh so i go out and do my act and
then
but while devo was on it was all for
these computer kind of nerdy people
so uh benefit for computer people i i'm
not sure
it wasn't a benefit was i don't know
what story i'm telling you
so uh you got paid a lot of money
probably i i don't
i don't know so i go something got cured
that night
so i go i talk to beck and he's got like
this big case with like it's like clown
suit he's getting his whole band ready
because he's a little eccentric but he's
really good
so he's like you wear the green hair you
wear the hula skirt says getting his
band ready and then he goes you want to
go on me and i go yeah
so he goes all right welder glasses he
was really specific
white gloves crooked visor i go cool
heavy and he goes if you don't wear the
crooked visor don't come out all right
so he does electric avenue and he wants
me to break dance with him
so he does electric avenue and then he
goes like this
so i come out
and then he puts on a deer head and
doesn't eat
me oh well out of it and the two of you
at the same time that would be cool
we were like pop lock electric boogaloo
and so it was total blast and then all
all the nerds and nines around
and then they they got home they
couldn't wait to log on because they
were david
you don't have to do that on a computer
i have an auto typewriter computer
that's one crappy computer uh
people don't know this a couple of
months ago i never hang out with
celebrities i have no celebrity friends
but you're in town and i bump into you
somewhere and i end up eating dinner
with you
and your dad oh yeah who i hung out with
for a bit pee-wee he's his name
oh yeah he he do you not want me to say
he goes
he goes by that uh he doesn't want but
he was a real character he seemed he was
very opinionated i remember that yeah
you know what's funny is my dad came out
for the nbc affiliate
or announcements of the new shows and so
he goes yeah i just want to tag along
you know because they've been divorced a
while so we're just buddies we hang out
now right
and he's totally like see he's kind into
the showbiz thing so he goes on to say
i'm just your dad i'll hang out
so i had to leave and he goes i'll run
back and uh
kind of hang in for you at the party be
your eyes and ears
so i go all right that doesn't sound
like a good idea go ahead uh-huh
so he goes and so uh he's sitting there
with uh all these
showbiz people when he goes i had a few
knocks davey at that point i had a few
whacks
so he's of course because he's drunk all
the time so he goes uh
i mean always nice to throw that in
about dad he had a few cordials so
uh he's in there and he goes they were
all blah blah showbiz so i decided they
wanted to hear the everyman's
perspective i go no one wants to hear
your opinion
so he goes so he's there with my uh
producer of just shoot me and some other
people
and he chimes in with uh nathan lane had
to come out and do a uh
a little stand-up comedy thing to talk
about his show and he goes saw
nathan lane's comedy bit pretty good
and who did he say this to he said
what's your nbc yeah
and then my uh producer goes uh you know
uh bill squankmeyer the producer of the
nathan lane show
and he goes hey he didn't let me finish
yeah where i but the stand-up was not
where it could be but the show clips
were
big buzz where i was looks like a sure
hit
so he's backpedaling all the way and
they're like no mr peewee you've really
said the wrong thing
hey davey i think i fixed it though
how do you finish from that you didn't
let me finish
complete with eyes crossed it's gonna
come back around
it's like the dow so uh
you're hosting uh starting out live yeah
tomorrow it's gonna be fun it's scary
that's why i'm like half half makeup and
they're beating me up i'm in the
trenches down there
they're uh like 13 things it's
ridiculous i'm gonna i give 80
percent to every one of them you know
how i am buddy that sounds like a killer
show
i'm doing the caveman afraid of caves
it's a great sketch gonna
one joke do it for 12 minutes
pilot afraid of flying anytime you do a
sketch now
um they might make it into movies you
have to sign a document before you
perform it
how much you make for the sequel all
that stuff so once that
it's quick you got a lawyer you get a uh
affidavit there you get a notary
you're in the sketch so hopefully so
you've really
you've really jazzed everybody up about
this show they'll be checking that out
no it's gonna be fun
it's me got some surprise gifts
i don't know that's all they wanted to
hear i'd watch a show that has some boo
boob
[Applause]
uh just shoot me of course tuesdays at
nine o'clock p.m congratulations on that
thanks and host and santa live this week
with mutual guest eagle-eyed cherry kids
love eagle eye chips
david spade everybody fred savage