Welcome back to the show.
If you're in the middle of tweeting "Dumb Canadian bitch,
shut up about immigrants," pause those thumbs a sec.
One, I'm an American.
I worked really hard, and I took a test,
and I don't think I'll be leaving my American born family
to fuck off back to Canada.
Sorry.
But I will shut up about immigrants now, because I
want to talk about refugees.
Not the same thing.
Immigrants are people who leave their country
hoping for a better life.
Refugees are people who flee their country
hoping just to stay alive.
Also, refugees don't get to pick where they go.
They wait patiently for any country to take them,
kind of like how some people spent prom season.
And in case it wasn't clear from our fucked up health care
system, and our deep belief that tacos with fried chicken shells
are food, the United States is not Europe.
Refugees coming to the US are vetted for up to two years,
and admitted in order of preference.
Personally, my favorite refugee is Lauren Hill.
I am sorry, no, she is my favorite Fugee.
The US' refugee preference is for women and children.
It's almost as though the sole criterion
for getting in is that your hand can't be
larger than the president's.
The executive hairball that Trump's team coughed up for him
to sign bans refugees for at least 120 days, which
is against the Geneva Convention,
but fuck those Swiss bastards!
Americans are in mortal peril!
The chance of an American being killed by a foreign born
terrorist is 1 in 3.6 million.
Looking specifically at refugees,
that statistic jumps to 1 in 3.64 billion.
So, slightly lower than your odds
of getting to make out with Idris Elba
while being struck by lightning.
Trump's not slamming the door on asylum seekers to keep us safe.
He's doing it because he said he would.
They're expecting him to deliver on cracking
down on Syrian refugees.
Tens of thousands of Syrian refugees--
Who are definitely, in many cases, ISIS aligned.
And we now have them in our country,
and wait till you see what-- this is going
to be the great Trojan horse.
This could be the great Trojan horse,
and I don't want to be known in 200 years
for having created the Trojan horse.
Not the way I'd expected Trump to combine
the words Trojan and horse in a sentence, but what do I know?
Maybe he secretly reads loved classics on his golden crapper.
He's a complicated man.
Actually, Trump's Trojan horse shit
echoes a Democratic president.
No, more socialist.
Keep going.
More left.
Bingo!
Today's threat to our national security
is not a matter of military weapons alone.
We know of other methords, new methods of attack.
The Trojan horse-- spies, saboteurs, and traitors.
Fuck you, FDR.
They weren't Trojans or Nazis, they were Jewish refugees.
And they definitely did have something to fear besides fear
itself.
Albert Einstein wrote letters begging the Roosevelts to let
Jews in, but evidently FDR was more scared of Jewish children
than he was of a guy who could split the fucking atom.
The way America welcomed the last non-Christian war refugees
to knock at our door is one of the most
shameful stains on our history, which is saying a lot.
That's why we put a big stone post-it
note on the Washington Mall reminding
us to never do it again.
We also made an annual day of remembrance
so we'd remember not to forget.
The White House is defending the fact
that it did not reference the Jewish people in its statement
for Holocaust Remembrance Day, saying that critics
are just nitpicking.
Right.
Right, right.
I'm talking to people who frog whistled the Holocaust.
Fine.
I won't mention that this refugee ban is immoral,
embarrassing, and inhuman.
I'll just point out that it is the act of a giant pussy.
Here is a man who's afraid of germs, stairs, books,
unprocessed food, women, birds, Muslims,
Russian pee tapes, inner cities and, of course, strong winds.
But he can't recognize the courage of people who survived
literal war zones to come to a new country,
start over with nothing, and keep going
each day despite the contempt with which we're
horrible enough to treat them.
You want a Muslim ban?
We know you do.
So say it, already, Mr. Straight Talker.
Slap your meat on the table and face the legal consequences
like a man.
Don't puss around by banning territories
that just happen to be Muslim.
Territories is a politically correct--
I don't know, what is the word?
A euphemism.
That's it!
Forget the coy euphemisms and own your pointless cruelty.
That is why America voted for you.
Except for the majority of America that didn't.
We'll be right back.