>>Russell Peters: I like being a dad. My daughter's good. She's uh--
She's two. I-- I-- Uh-- She's-- She's really pretty!
I say that-- Like if--
[Low laughter]
Let me just clear something up. If I had, a fucked up looking kid,
[Laughter]
I would be, the first, to tell you, you know what I mean?
[Laughter]
I'd be like, "Yeah, I got a little girl--"
"Eeeeeeeyuh"
[Laughter]
"Fingers crossed, she grows out of it!"
You know?
[Laughter]
But I'm honest! Like-- Like, I hate when people tell you how cute their kid is,
and then you see their kid, and you're like,
[Surprised tone] "What the fuck is that?" You know what I mean? Like--
[Stupid sounding voice] You gotta see my kid! My kid's like--"
[Surprised tone] "Woah! What, did you Google a platypus, before you showed me your kid?! What is that?"
[Laughter]
Not every kid's cute. I mean, they're sweet, but you know, you can look at a kid, and be like,
"Ugh"
I saw a cute baby, in the mall, the other day, but just a giant head on this kid.
Like-- I could tell, like, it couldn't even hold that shit up, you know?
[Laughter]
Just a big head, on that baby.
I hope he grows into that thing, you know, but uh--
She is very-- very pretty girl, my daughter. She's uh--
She's is! Like people see her, and go, "Wow, she's so pretty."
And to be honest with you, my daughter's very pretty 'cause she-- she looks like, my ex-wife.
My ex-wife is a very good looking woman,
on the outside, and uhm--
[Laughter]
My ex-wife's like a Ferrari, with no engine, you know what I mean?
[Laughter]
[Shocked tone] "Oh my God, is that a Ferrari?!"
"Yeah, it doesn't work. It doesn't work."
[Laughter]
"Just fuckin' sits there, and costs me money. That's all it does!"
[Laughter and Applause]
Are there any pregnant women here, tonight?
[Audience members cheering]
Okay. Sorry, that you're in the stairs, and you have to climb, all that shit.
[Groans]
[Laughter]
Pregnant women have it rough. You have no idea, until you get pregnant,
how rough pregnant women have it. Like, I mean, there's the obvious things, that women go through,
when they're pregnant. They're uncomfortable, they got-- their hormones are crazy, they've got cravings,
they've got a human inside of 'em.
You know, their-- their-- their moods, are all over the place.
That's enough to deal with, on your own, but then, when you have to deal with other people, too,
that only adds insult to injury.
And especially in America, it's even worse, 'cause Americans don't give a shit,
they'll just say whatever they want, to you.
At least, in Australia, they're like,
[Mumbling in an Australian accent] I don't know-- I don't know what happened there, mate."
[Laughter]
"Walkin' a little bit, like a kangaroo, over there, mate!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "What'd you say?"
[Australian accent] "Nothing, love! have a good night! Yeah, yeah."
[Laughter]
"No worries! No worries! Have a healthy child. Yeah! Alright! Yeah!"
[Laughter]
"Let me give you a carrot!"
[Laughter continues]
They gotta deal with other people. When my ex-wife was pregnant,
We were in the mall, one time-- This girl, walks up to my ex-wife, she goes,
[Valley Girl voice] "Oh my God, you're pregnant?!"
[Laughter]
She pointed, at her stomach, like we didn't know, where she was pregnant, you know what I mean?
[Valley Girl voice] "Oh my God, you're pregnant?! That's a miracle!
You have a mir-uh-cle growing innn-side of yooou!"
[Laughter]
I hate when people say shit, is a miracle.
It's not a miracle, when a woman gets pregnant. It's a blessing! It's not a miracle!
Especially when my ex-wife got pregnant. She's Latina; I'm Indian.
How hard, do you think it was, to get pregnant? You know what I mean?
You got the two most fertile humans on the planet--
[Laughter]
We never even had sex!
[Laughter]
I just sent her a text, one day!
"I'm comin' home!"
[DUM!]
[Laughter]
[Spanish accent] "I just saw, "coming."
[Laughter continues]
I hate when people say shit is a mir---
[Valley Girl voice] "That's a miracle!"
It's not a miracle, you know?
[No audio]
It'd be a miracle, if I was in the wrong hole. Then, it's a miracle, you know what I mean?
[Laughter]
[Valley Girl voice] "Oh my God, you're pregnant?! That's a miracle! "
[Normal voice] "It is a miracle! I was in her ass!"
[Laughter]
"This is the most determined child, you've ever seen!"
[Laughter continues]
"Do you know how much shit, this kid's been through?!"
[Laughter and Applause]
♪ ♪